ok, true, u probably fool me a lot more than i realize, but i think i know u enough to tell a little bit why you're angry. when u were talking to me about going on a break with fred, i remember u saying that wat u wanted more than anything was for him to tell u no, he needed u. and first of all, he did, and does need u, and i'm guessing he didn't say much against the idea because ur the world to him. the exact same thing happened to julia. she wanted to break up with her bf, she wanted him to say no, but he said ok because he wanted wat was best for her and would make her happiest. its the same with fred, and most if not all guys who will ever care about u or another girl.
(i'm gonna act like i know it all now):girls like to be fought for, but they dont want to tell guys, they just want them to get it and fight through fire and hell and other rough shit for them. but unfortunately, most guys dont get that. if we care a lot about a girl (like fred and i do about u), and u want to push us away, we'll let u if we think it'll help u, despite its effect on us, which would usually suck.
i do accept too quickly, cuz i'm not a huge fan of confrontation. i get that from my dad. he's pretty passive or passive aggressive most of the time, and i guess i am a lot too. my mom's the aggressive one, and gets into fights with people a bit, but i guess it could be worse. and sure, u r manipulative, and that's rarely a nice thing, but ur not a bitch. and just trust me on this one. i may be blinded by ur good qualities, but that's only because there's plenty of them, and as i told u, i think u sell urself short.
ok, i guess the whole jealousy subject is weird for me, not cuz i dont see my worth, i think i do a lot more than i used to thanks to u, but i'm just not used to ppl being jealous of me. i'm a good pianist and poet sure, and i do other stuff well too, but im jealous of u 2. and dont say i shouldnt be. i think ur mind is more beautiful than mine. like remember that poem i showed u, with the line "his heart spoke thought in poetry" that was about u. ur thoughts are beautifully organized, whether u want to accept that compliment or not, u r attractive. very much so. just ask fred. the funny thing, i think i got that from my dad, he's hilarious, and the charming thing, idk, i guess in middle school i tried the whole reclusive thing, didn't work, and now i have friends who i feel i can be myself with. and sure, things get awkward sometimes, but watever.
ok, maybe part of me was a little annoyed with u, but its probably cuz u've been worrying about me so much, but i guess i see myself as the one who's supposed to worry, and i feel even now that time spent worrying about myself, trying to see if anything's wrong in my life, is time wasted. not that i dont feel i deserve to have problems, but if life's good, i dont feel like i need to sweat the small stuff, u know?
i guess i hate the thought of u spending time worrying about me. the last thing i want to do is cause u trouble or pain, but i guess i'm also jealous that u can see through me so easily, and u know me better than i know u or myself. dont get me wrong, its reli helpful, but sometimes i wish i had ur clarity of seeing ppl.
i know i focus on the best in ppl, partly cuz i want to accept them or forgive them or something, and part of me probably wants to protect my innocence from thinking that the world is awful. but i love all of my friends, despite their flaws, cuz i know i have to accept all of them, or at least as much as my heart wants to accept. sure, my optimism may get me hurt, and has, but im okay with that. i'll accept the consequences, because i'd rather be more accepting than critical of people. there u go, ur not a bitch, u just see a lot in ppl, and ur critical or their flaws.its like being extra perceptive and seeing all the little bumps and obstructions on ppl's faces.
yea, i'm jealous of russell. i wish i weren't, but i cant help it. he accels in the aspect of life im most insecure about in my self. sure, i have good qualities, but there's a part of me that likes to be the best at everything, which i kinda hate, but u know. i didnt have my first kiss till 16, i was turned down by every girl i asked out in middle school (and freshman and sophomore year), while he has been a pimp practically forever, and has made out (and gone out) with arguably the 2 best looking girls i asked out. and u've been where i am too, can u reli blame me for being jealous? =/
sigh. yea, maybe i'm wasting my time on russell. i've let our friendship become pretty shallow, but he's still my friend. ur guys' drama isn't stupid, i know stupid drama. (aka, alyssa, amanda, shariss) sure, i'll probably have my own stuff to deal with, we all will. but by then, i'll probably have other friends to listen to me, or i'll be able to handle it myself, so dont worry about it.
ok, i have felt like u've been pushing me away a bit, but i've been doing that too. but don't u ever think that i won't keep in touch with u. unless u change ur cell #, we're definitely going to be talking, and i might even have internet access where i'm going to college. jessy, ur like a sister to me. ur my best friend, and if i'm keeping in touch with anyone from high school, it's gonna be u. k? so don't push me away. besides, im not that easily gotten rid of. =]
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