first post

i was just thinking, which i do a lot, and writing in that little leather book should just be for poems, not so much just thinking. hence, blog.

i figured i needed to cyber vent cuz i just started crying playing piano. i feel like this first blog is gonna sound pretentious, or pissy, so just bear with me. (bear? bare? watever)

my chest felt weird right after i cried. like i'd just gotten punched. not quite the physical manifestation of emotional pain, but that was there too. i've been trying to describe the physical-emotional pain recently, but it's tricky. the pain changes with the reason. if its cuz of love, then its like a burning in my chest, same with anger i guess, but i've never been that angry. and when its sadness, its more like a weight in ur chest, making it harder to move, like ur in the ocean, with an anchor in ur chest, and ur sinking. and when u feel useless, or helpless, or something-less, its like u have that weight, but u've given up swimming back to the surface, so u just feel empty and weightless. it's not much more fun, especially if ur primary function as a person is feeling. =P

so that's where i am right now, but its stupid, cuz im not even the one with the problem. she's my best friend, and when i read her blog it said she doesnt write, she just thinks, and if that's true, i dont get how she can look at how her thoughts flow, and think she's nothing special. she's one of the most amazing ppl i've ever met, and by far the most unforgettable. it's weird, but when we talk in starbucks or something, it's almost like the young adventurous person who has climbed the mountaintop to seek the wise council of the guru or something. and she's the guru, but she's in pain. her head is bowed, weighed down by how much she knows, and her eyes look into space, having seen too much in too little time.

ow. ow. (chest throbs? it's been awhile) ms. preuss was right. i do internalize this stuff. does that make me better or worse than him? hmm, probably neither. u cant compare apples to pineapples. one is plain, juicy i guess, could be sour on the inside, but there's always some outside indication. but with pineapples, they always have those pines sticking out, and it's harder to tell wat's going on on the inside just from looking at the outside. and they could be as sour or as sweet as possible on the inside, but u have to be let in, either by finding the chink that lets u see the inside (like a notebook or something =P), or simply cutting in there by force. but be careful, cuz u might get ur finger caught. unfortunately, i have neither knife nor sight to effectively see into the pineapple. oh well, there's always the pear. sometimes overlooked, it can be very juicy and sweet, though biting into it often leaves less than pleasant residue.

ok, enough metaphors, blog entry #1, complete. i guess i feel a bit better. i wonder how she's doing....