i want to save, or at least help people. i see that as my noble mission in life. i have this self-righteous/selfless/wanting to be of service/self-martyring/tragic hero wish/complex.
i guess it started when i was younger, and still terrified of my mom. my sister still took piano back then, and she'd cry at the piano while practicing and my mom would yell at and hit her, and she'd cry more, and i'd sit terrified doing homework, too afraid to try and help her.
high school sorta rekindled this desire to save people. luckily, i soon became surrounded with people i thought i could save. unfortunately, i could not/still can not save them.
miranda: couldn't even get through to her, tried to make her happy, even fixed her up with chris davidson when she had a crush on him and i had a crush on her, couldn't do shit, gave up.
russell: isn't really self-destructive, but i tried to help him by fixing him up with julia. he said he wanted someone who'd like him for him, i thought julia would appreciate his relationship wanting and sensitive self. he ended up realizing that he's not the kind of person for relationships or something, she ended up hating him, or not, idk anymore. basically, huge backfire, guilt, emotional disconnect, couldn't help my best friend, gave up.
julia: had rough break-up with kenta, wanted a relationship and someone to take care of her. i thought russell would do that, tried to fix them up. things were great for a few months, she said we'd made her whole again, i couldn't be happier, even though at the beginning weird feelings for her started coming back. now she's smoking again, her and russell are on weird terms, i don't know if she's eating, she looks thinner and thinner, reminiscently so of miranda. she's stubborn too, so i give up.
jessy: just tried the little things, staying late afterschool, skipping classes to hang out with her. now i'm scared they'll kick me out of pl and my mom will get reli pissed, and i really want to be a pl. but i feel guilty because i want to save or help people, and i've already failed at that so much, with my sister, with my friends, even with my mentee. i feel like jessy's the only one left, so i focus all my stupid heroism on her. but then i'm scared of the consequences, and i feel like both choices, (hanging out or not, skipping obligations or not) define who i am, either the dedicated friend, or the good student, and i know i'm taking it too seriously, but i've always done that. thus, i feel like i'm sacrificing my time to save my friends, but neither of which seems to be accomplishing much, and my time isn't all that valuable, so i'm just being overly dramatic about missing classes and crap, but i still feel guilty if i neglect my friends for classes, or if i neglect my classes for friends, because that's how i see it.
so i want to be a hero, but i feel weak, and i want to sacrifice, cuz i feel it might make me more able to help my friends, but i'm not sacrificing much of actual importance, but i still feel like a martyr because my vision of good and bad is exaggerated, i guess.
and in the end, i guess part of me wants to be taken care of, not that my friends don't do that, but i feel like sometimes it's not fair to ask them to if i feel like they need saving, which most of the time they don't, and when they actually do, i don't seem to be able to do much. some hero i am. =P
2 comments:
I'm going to say the same thing I said today in school. If you feel that bad about it, don't do it. You seem to think that just because I'm upset, or in pain, or whatever, means that you absolutely must drop whatever you're doing and come help me. That's not the case at all. Not to be a bitch here, but I've dealt with a lot before I met you. I promise you I will not die if you go to gym/dance/english/history/math instead of sitting around with me. And to be perfectly honest, you're right. Nobody has ever cured my migraine by cutting class and playing the piano for me. So don't be frustrated that you don't help. Nobody does.
You gotta get your priorities straightened out, kid. We...we're just friends, we won't get you into college. So if PL and college are that important, go to all your classes, do your homework, don't stay late after school with us. I don't know what you want me to tell you, ultimately it's your decision.
Sometimes it's really hard. I know, i've been through some of the same exact things that you talk about, we have similar friends, similar problems. Sometimes it feels as if everything is falling apart and there's nothing you can do to stop it. But a lot of the time things will just take their own route no matter what you do, so there's no real sense in trying to change and adapt other people to what you think is best for them. It's not worth sacrificing your schoolwork and other bonuses for the sake of other people, right now you should be worrying about yourself more, not to say butt out, it's honorable and heroic to attempt to take the load off your friends, but most of the time you can't do anything. There's a big part of that inside me too, but slowly, by messing up more times than i can count, and getting in trouble, and not helping, and all that, I've learned that you have to pick your battles, and work to help in ways beyond single instances, so that they can stand on their own, because we aren't heroes or parents or anything, we're friends, which is in my opinion more important, because we truly know them. so from a friend, take my advice, you travel your own route, and wherever it crosses our paths and becomes intertwined, like it is for most of the year, then we can walk together, and if one of us stumbles the other one is there to catch them, but there's not point in trying to live for someone else, in a way YOU'VE taught me that, and we still have time together, so don't worry. Happy dreaming
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