i want to save, or at least help people. i see that as my noble mission in life. i have this self-righteous/selfless/wanting to be of service/self-martyring/tragic hero wish/complex.
i guess it started when i was younger, and still terrified of my mom. my sister still took piano back then, and she'd cry at the piano while practicing and my mom would yell at and hit her, and she'd cry more, and i'd sit terrified doing homework, too afraid to try and help her.
high school sorta rekindled this desire to save people. luckily, i soon became surrounded with people i thought i could save. unfortunately, i could not/still can not save them.
miranda: couldn't even get through to her, tried to make her happy, even fixed her up with chris davidson when she had a crush on him and i had a crush on her, couldn't do shit, gave up.
russell: isn't really self-destructive, but i tried to help him by fixing him up with julia. he said he wanted someone who'd like him for him, i thought julia would appreciate his relationship wanting and sensitive self. he ended up realizing that he's not the kind of person for relationships or something, she ended up hating him, or not, idk anymore. basically, huge backfire, guilt, emotional disconnect, couldn't help my best friend, gave up.
julia: had rough break-up with kenta, wanted a relationship and someone to take care of her. i thought russell would do that, tried to fix them up. things were great for a few months, she said we'd made her whole again, i couldn't be happier, even though at the beginning weird feelings for her started coming back. now she's smoking again, her and russell are on weird terms, i don't know if she's eating, she looks thinner and thinner, reminiscently so of miranda. she's stubborn too, so i give up.
jessy: just tried the little things, staying late afterschool, skipping classes to hang out with her. now i'm scared they'll kick me out of pl and my mom will get reli pissed, and i really want to be a pl. but i feel guilty because i want to save or help people, and i've already failed at that so much, with my sister, with my friends, even with my mentee. i feel like jessy's the only one left, so i focus all my stupid heroism on her. but then i'm scared of the consequences, and i feel like both choices, (hanging out or not, skipping obligations or not) define who i am, either the dedicated friend, or the good student, and i know i'm taking it too seriously, but i've always done that. thus, i feel like i'm sacrificing my time to save my friends, but neither of which seems to be accomplishing much, and my time isn't all that valuable, so i'm just being overly dramatic about missing classes and crap, but i still feel guilty if i neglect my friends for classes, or if i neglect my classes for friends, because that's how i see it.
so i want to be a hero, but i feel weak, and i want to sacrifice, cuz i feel it might make me more able to help my friends, but i'm not sacrificing much of actual importance, but i still feel like a martyr because my vision of good and bad is exaggerated, i guess.
and in the end, i guess part of me wants to be taken care of, not that my friends don't do that, but i feel like sometimes it's not fair to ask them to if i feel like they need saving, which most of the time they don't, and when they actually do, i don't seem to be able to do much. some hero i am. =P
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
the idea of god
i guess this really started a few days ago, when i had a lab with mr glassman about my thoreau paper. in walden, thoreau seems to see god, or some beauty semi-divine in nature, and it struck me as almost pantheistic, which i sorta subscribe to. more than any other religion anyway. i figure that the beauty in nature is so perfect and singular that its hard to believe its all a coincidence, that there's some divine force within it, if not behind it. maybe life itself is divine, god-given. that would be convenient. =P
so anyway, it turns out thoreau never had a specific religious belief. and that was a huge relief. because i really really admired how he thought, and felt, and wrote. he saw so much beauty in life, like i always try to, and he articulated it sophisticatedly, which i dont reli try to do, but it would be nice.
and it got me thinking. maybe some people dont believe in religion. i mean sure, everyone believes in something. (i've also been listening to that john mayer song belief some this week) if you believe in god, as creator, or guardian, or watever, that's wat u believe in. or if u believe in the devil, or that there's no god, that's still a belief. but during yesterday's service, there was a "moment of meditation" where we were supposed to reflect on god and his grace and blah blah blah.
i technically did that, well, i reflected on the idea of god, and the purpose of religion. i realized that religion, and the idea of god, is a catalyst. it triggers feelings in people. it causes direction, safety, anger, joy, and most of all, hope.
i had a conversation with my dad about this on the way back, and i feel it relates to jessy's blog entry recently. and now that i think about it, russell told me something like this before, when explaining how he's atheist/agnostic, cuz he says he respects others religions, but he doesnt seem to like the idea behind folloing a religion. religion gives people a sense of security. the idea of a god makes people think that, even though they're inperfect and flawed, there's some greater being who's in charge and he's perfect and wise and so everything will turn out ok because he's running the show, so all we have to do is follow him and not question his plan, because we're just humans, what do we know? god is a symbol of order, or direction, of stability for the universe, which is why people feel they have a purpose when they communicate with or follow what they believe to be god.
so god is like a giant, invisible security blanket. he reli is like the father or mother. strong, capable, and able to make everything ok. at some point. i guess we reli on god even more when we're unsure or unsteady of ourselves.
but sometimes religion seems blind. there's no real proof, so we reli on passion and fervor in our told direction to drive us down the path "god" has put out for us. now i'm not saying don't believe in god, just make sure you have a reason. i mean, sure, my reason isn't great, but i don't reli believe in a "god", persay. i like to think there's something, some natural intelligence simpler but greater than ours in all that's around us. the way the stars twinkle, the way the sun shines, the way the moon glows, the way leaves and clouds and the ocean catches all of these lights and reflects them so beautifully, and how we humans are constructed not only to see them, but to enjoy them. i guess i think god was like our designer. he wrote our blueprints, but had no idea wat material we each would be made out of, so left it for us to navigate the program he put in our minds, which includes infinite possibility. possibility for hope, fear, obedience, defiance, questioning, joy, sorrow, and most of all, uncertainty. =P
so anyway, it turns out thoreau never had a specific religious belief. and that was a huge relief. because i really really admired how he thought, and felt, and wrote. he saw so much beauty in life, like i always try to, and he articulated it sophisticatedly, which i dont reli try to do, but it would be nice.
and it got me thinking. maybe some people dont believe in religion. i mean sure, everyone believes in something. (i've also been listening to that john mayer song belief some this week) if you believe in god, as creator, or guardian, or watever, that's wat u believe in. or if u believe in the devil, or that there's no god, that's still a belief. but during yesterday's service, there was a "moment of meditation" where we were supposed to reflect on god and his grace and blah blah blah.
i technically did that, well, i reflected on the idea of god, and the purpose of religion. i realized that religion, and the idea of god, is a catalyst. it triggers feelings in people. it causes direction, safety, anger, joy, and most of all, hope.
i had a conversation with my dad about this on the way back, and i feel it relates to jessy's blog entry recently. and now that i think about it, russell told me something like this before, when explaining how he's atheist/agnostic, cuz he says he respects others religions, but he doesnt seem to like the idea behind folloing a religion. religion gives people a sense of security. the idea of a god makes people think that, even though they're inperfect and flawed, there's some greater being who's in charge and he's perfect and wise and so everything will turn out ok because he's running the show, so all we have to do is follow him and not question his plan, because we're just humans, what do we know? god is a symbol of order, or direction, of stability for the universe, which is why people feel they have a purpose when they communicate with or follow what they believe to be god.
so god is like a giant, invisible security blanket. he reli is like the father or mother. strong, capable, and able to make everything ok. at some point. i guess we reli on god even more when we're unsure or unsteady of ourselves.
but sometimes religion seems blind. there's no real proof, so we reli on passion and fervor in our told direction to drive us down the path "god" has put out for us. now i'm not saying don't believe in god, just make sure you have a reason. i mean, sure, my reason isn't great, but i don't reli believe in a "god", persay. i like to think there's something, some natural intelligence simpler but greater than ours in all that's around us. the way the stars twinkle, the way the sun shines, the way the moon glows, the way leaves and clouds and the ocean catches all of these lights and reflects them so beautifully, and how we humans are constructed not only to see them, but to enjoy them. i guess i think god was like our designer. he wrote our blueprints, but had no idea wat material we each would be made out of, so left it for us to navigate the program he put in our minds, which includes infinite possibility. possibility for hope, fear, obedience, defiance, questioning, joy, sorrow, and most of all, uncertainty. =P
religion
i went to a church service yesterday. nobody i went with seemed to want to be there. not even my mom, which was a surprise. the music was good, uplifting, i guess, but the rest was pretty boring and seemed almost delusional. my dad's best friend's sister is a congresswoman from texas, and she was at the service, which is why we had to go, and she was only mentioned one time without the word congresswoman.
it was just like the last time we went to a church. my dad's best friend's aunt, and my dad's godaunt had passed. she'd had 2 heart attacks, traveled the world, and done many things to help people. i'd only met her a few weeks before she passed, and she seemed so tired when we met her. luckily she seemed ready to pass, and i think she was happy to see my dad before she did.
but anyway, at the funeral there was all this pomp and circumstance, and i now see the connection between pomp and pompous because of that. people performed, of all things. at a funeral. this woman sang a song "for val" (the woman who passed), and this guy who was supposed to have known her like a mother sang a song, and both of them smiled all through the songs. it was actually disgusting. i started to nod off during the funeral, which isnt a great thing, but im glad i missed some of the posturing. nobody except the woman's sister, who was my dad's godmother seemed to be sad, despite all the incredible things they said she'd done for the church and others.
and the congresswoman, how could i forget. CONGRESSWOMAN shiela jackson lee. it was so shallow. i was sitting near her brother, who we call uncle mike, and who was also nephew to val, but he wasn't mentioned a single time. congresswoman shiela was simply mentioned to be in the church that day about 7 times. ok, fine, apparently, she's accomplished and has made change in the world, but a funeral is not the place to celebrate her presence, and to ignore the presence of other relatives of the dearly departed.
but back to the church service yesterday. shiela gave a speech about washington, and hope, and change, and god, and how he looks out for us. it seemed kinda barack obamaesque, but not as good, and involving the conscious concern of a divine being. and i couldn't help thinking how much she believed of what she spoke. was she just posturing too? just putting in god because she was in a church, with people who felt that god was watching over them. it really made me wonder about the power of religion, and how it affects what people do and say, but i'll continue this in another blog. this one's getting long.
it was just like the last time we went to a church. my dad's best friend's aunt, and my dad's godaunt had passed. she'd had 2 heart attacks, traveled the world, and done many things to help people. i'd only met her a few weeks before she passed, and she seemed so tired when we met her. luckily she seemed ready to pass, and i think she was happy to see my dad before she did.
but anyway, at the funeral there was all this pomp and circumstance, and i now see the connection between pomp and pompous because of that. people performed, of all things. at a funeral. this woman sang a song "for val" (the woman who passed), and this guy who was supposed to have known her like a mother sang a song, and both of them smiled all through the songs. it was actually disgusting. i started to nod off during the funeral, which isnt a great thing, but im glad i missed some of the posturing. nobody except the woman's sister, who was my dad's godmother seemed to be sad, despite all the incredible things they said she'd done for the church and others.
and the congresswoman, how could i forget. CONGRESSWOMAN shiela jackson lee. it was so shallow. i was sitting near her brother, who we call uncle mike, and who was also nephew to val, but he wasn't mentioned a single time. congresswoman shiela was simply mentioned to be in the church that day about 7 times. ok, fine, apparently, she's accomplished and has made change in the world, but a funeral is not the place to celebrate her presence, and to ignore the presence of other relatives of the dearly departed.
but back to the church service yesterday. shiela gave a speech about washington, and hope, and change, and god, and how he looks out for us. it seemed kinda barack obamaesque, but not as good, and involving the conscious concern of a divine being. and i couldn't help thinking how much she believed of what she spoke. was she just posturing too? just putting in god because she was in a church, with people who felt that god was watching over them. it really made me wonder about the power of religion, and how it affects what people do and say, but i'll continue this in another blog. this one's getting long.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
beautiful day
today was beautiful. the flowers were blooming, the trees were all bursting and colorful, and the sky was bright and hopeful. i passed the spot where i first told chigozie i loved her and realized that that was almost 9 months ago. even though it was so long ago, the spot was just as beautiful if not more so, and the sun shone blindingly from behind the church where i looked up to and thanked god or nature or something for what an amazing person i'd been blessed with.
yea, it's been a pretty good day.
yea, it's been a pretty good day.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
don't jump
i would cry. a lot. i know i would. i might be able to carry on, but i'd truly be devastated. so don't jump. please. cuz i know i'm not the only one who would cry, and i can think of at least 2 ppl who might try to kill themselves if u died, (julia, miranda) and one who undoubtedly would try to leave this world to get to u. (fred)
cloudless skies
idk wat it is about cloudless skies, but they always unsettle me. the more i look at them, the more unnatural they seem. i feel like it's too peaceful, but not quite, it's just sorta bland, like harry grabow when he's not being a tool.
i love looking at clouds. the way the move amongst each other, with different sizes, speeds, and the way they come apart, reattach, and are changing every second. but i love it best when clouds catch the light of the sun, and they just glow like beautiful, fluffy sky lanterns. =]
clouds give the sky many things: depth, variety of the celestial landscape, color, and majesty. clouds just look so regal, when they're rising and moving near the sun or moon, overwhelming it, overshadowing it (haha, pun), and just glowing. tis a beautiful thing. =]
idk, i guess in my mind, a sky without clouds is like a person without problems in their life. no physical or mental obstructions, just glaring light, nothing hiding who or what they are. it's bland. i've never met anyone who i could compare like that too, maybe a baby, but still, its fun to wonder wat baby's are thinking about, if anything. i like clouds, and people with problems, because there's something to figure out with them. they're not just straightforward with everything. granted, jessy was like that the first day we met, which took me off guard at first, but it worked out. =P
with clouds, as well as people with problems, though, there has to be a balance. most days (like most people) have clouds (problems =P), but if there's too much in their life, its like a completely cloudy sky, barely any sun, and a high chance of rain (tears), and if it doesnt rain, its just dismal. at least if there is precipitation, u know there's a reason for the overcast skies of their souls (yay cheesy poetic language! =]) and if the person has too much going on, its like their sun (soul, heart, mind, all 3) is being concealed by their clouds, but its not easy for someone to just clear away the obstructions. it's their sky, they have to clear it or increase the cloud cover.
but again, clouds move, clouds change, and clouds have different sizes and depths. everyone has problems, i hope, but they're all different, and they all have the potential to either cloud your sky beyond all recognition or understanding, or catch the light from your sun and make your sky shine with all possible beauty, even causing happiness to those who may view it. =]
P.S. i had no idea that metaphor would work out so well. yay chance! =]
i love looking at clouds. the way the move amongst each other, with different sizes, speeds, and the way they come apart, reattach, and are changing every second. but i love it best when clouds catch the light of the sun, and they just glow like beautiful, fluffy sky lanterns. =]
clouds give the sky many things: depth, variety of the celestial landscape, color, and majesty. clouds just look so regal, when they're rising and moving near the sun or moon, overwhelming it, overshadowing it (haha, pun), and just glowing. tis a beautiful thing. =]
idk, i guess in my mind, a sky without clouds is like a person without problems in their life. no physical or mental obstructions, just glaring light, nothing hiding who or what they are. it's bland. i've never met anyone who i could compare like that too, maybe a baby, but still, its fun to wonder wat baby's are thinking about, if anything. i like clouds, and people with problems, because there's something to figure out with them. they're not just straightforward with everything. granted, jessy was like that the first day we met, which took me off guard at first, but it worked out. =P
with clouds, as well as people with problems, though, there has to be a balance. most days (like most people) have clouds (problems =P), but if there's too much in their life, its like a completely cloudy sky, barely any sun, and a high chance of rain (tears), and if it doesnt rain, its just dismal. at least if there is precipitation, u know there's a reason for the overcast skies of their souls (yay cheesy poetic language! =]) and if the person has too much going on, its like their sun (soul, heart, mind, all 3) is being concealed by their clouds, but its not easy for someone to just clear away the obstructions. it's their sky, they have to clear it or increase the cloud cover.
but again, clouds move, clouds change, and clouds have different sizes and depths. everyone has problems, i hope, but they're all different, and they all have the potential to either cloud your sky beyond all recognition or understanding, or catch the light from your sun and make your sky shine with all possible beauty, even causing happiness to those who may view it. =]
P.S. i had no idea that metaphor would work out so well. yay chance! =]
Thursday, April 17, 2008
selfish selflessness
ok, well, the basic jist is this: sometimes, i feel like i try to do a lot for you, but it never helps, or it never seems to....count? in ur mind, i guess.
wat got to me 2nite was when u were talking about getting the tattoo, and u said u wanted dave/russell to go with u. and it kinda hurt not seeing my name there. i mean, the more understanding part of me thought "ok, she probably wants physical comfort, which isn't quite my strong point." but still, that's one of my biggest insecurities, so the more emotional side felt pain.
idk, i guess i'm just a little pissed cuz i feel like i do a lot to try and help u. cut dance classes (the one b4 spring break, that was more about me being worried about u than anything else, and i payed for that, but watever), cutting classes (never want Glassman to yell at me like that again, scary), staying late (admittedly, most of those times were just me not wanting to leave), and blowing off work (laziness on my part).
ur my best friend jessy, and one of the things i want most in the world is to see u happy. this may seem hypocritical, but i really don't want u to feel guilty because of this post. idk, i'm indulging the part of me that likes attention for the good i try to do for ppl.
the point may be muddled, but i just want u to feel that ur not alone, cuz i'm almost always looking out for u.
wat got to me 2nite was when u were talking about getting the tattoo, and u said u wanted dave/russell to go with u. and it kinda hurt not seeing my name there. i mean, the more understanding part of me thought "ok, she probably wants physical comfort, which isn't quite my strong point." but still, that's one of my biggest insecurities, so the more emotional side felt pain.
idk, i guess i'm just a little pissed cuz i feel like i do a lot to try and help u. cut dance classes (the one b4 spring break, that was more about me being worried about u than anything else, and i payed for that, but watever), cutting classes (never want Glassman to yell at me like that again, scary), staying late (admittedly, most of those times were just me not wanting to leave), and blowing off work (laziness on my part).
ur my best friend jessy, and one of the things i want most in the world is to see u happy. this may seem hypocritical, but i really don't want u to feel guilty because of this post. idk, i'm indulging the part of me that likes attention for the good i try to do for ppl.
the point may be muddled, but i just want u to feel that ur not alone, cuz i'm almost always looking out for u.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
forever
i realized something yesterday. i was thinking about what jessy said, and realized that she's right. i do live in the present. when i watch the clouds go by, i dont think about how long they'll be there for me to look at them, or how long they'll be moving in front of the sun, catching their light and framing the sky perfectly. when i look at trees, i dont think how long until they bloom, i just enjoy the white buds about to flower.
the only thing i really worry about losing are people. i question my own mortality almost any time i'm alone. i think of random possibilities of how i could die at that moment, not in fear, or sadness, but just in acceptance, i guess, of how life can be here one moment, gone the next, so u might as well enjoy the moment now, cuz it may be your last. MUWAHAHAHA. =P
the only thing i really worry about losing are people. i question my own mortality almost any time i'm alone. i think of random possibilities of how i could die at that moment, not in fear, or sadness, but just in acceptance, i guess, of how life can be here one moment, gone the next, so u might as well enjoy the moment now, cuz it may be your last. MUWAHAHAHA. =P
Monday, April 14, 2008
time
a while ago i realized that nothing lasts forever. especially not relationships. either someone's gonna fall out of love or friendship, or find someone better, or die. it's gonna end eventually, even if it's till death, unless u die at the same time, but that doesnt mean u shouldn't enjoy it while it lasts. if u know its gonna end, that should, i think, give u more incentive to enjoy wat u have while u have it. sure that's not always easy when u know a relationship has an end, especially if the love doesnt, but that's life. even life ends. we all die at some point, does that mean we should kill ourselves now and save time the trouble? no. it means we should find the garden, frolic in it while we can, and then watch the sunset reflecting on the day we've had, good or bad.
sure, maybe u and i will lose contact after college, and sure, maybe i won't be ur best man. but i'd still like to, and i'm not gonna quit being ur friend just cuz we might not be friends forever. and nothing's set in stone, but i know that if i keep in contact with anyone from dalton, it's gonna be u. definitely. and like i said with the relationships post, remember the chris davidson episode? after all that, i still got turned down, but that didn't stop me from being miranda's friend. so u'll have to do a heck of a lot worse than push me away to really get rid of me.
sure, friends and lovers come and go, forever's not set in stone, but brothers and sisters aren't so easily lost and forgotten. =]
sure, maybe u and i will lose contact after college, and sure, maybe i won't be ur best man. but i'd still like to, and i'm not gonna quit being ur friend just cuz we might not be friends forever. and nothing's set in stone, but i know that if i keep in contact with anyone from dalton, it's gonna be u. definitely. and like i said with the relationships post, remember the chris davidson episode? after all that, i still got turned down, but that didn't stop me from being miranda's friend. so u'll have to do a heck of a lot worse than push me away to really get rid of me.
sure, friends and lovers come and go, forever's not set in stone, but brothers and sisters aren't so easily lost and forgotten. =]
Sunday, April 13, 2008
relationships
wow. i thought my past relationships sucked. leading myself on with 2 girls named hannah, falling in love with one (i think), asking out the second after asking out her best friend. classy.
oh, and of course, the asking out of best friends. lily wen, miranda, almost julia. and then fixing up miranda with chris davidson while liking her, and fixing up julia with russell before i knew i was over her. i've reli....i dont even know wat. fuck sarcasm, i'm a douche. i've cried over girls, prayed for girls, clawed at myself, punched walls, and wrote a shitload of poems. has it all been coincidence? am i sabotaging myself on purpose to repent? or am i just desperate? i've only lucked out with chigozie, and now i've put a time frame on our relationship.
part of me wants to end it, part of me never wants to let her go again. when we talked about wat it would be like to see each other with someone else after we ended it, i just felt so empty. like seeing another guy's hands on her would make me feel angry and jealous and possessive, but seeing her laugh or even smile at another guy would just make me feel empty. i love her, i know i do. "so why are u together?"
....sometimes i wonder that too.
oh, and of course, the asking out of best friends. lily wen, miranda, almost julia. and then fixing up miranda with chris davidson while liking her, and fixing up julia with russell before i knew i was over her. i've reli....i dont even know wat. fuck sarcasm, i'm a douche. i've cried over girls, prayed for girls, clawed at myself, punched walls, and wrote a shitload of poems. has it all been coincidence? am i sabotaging myself on purpose to repent? or am i just desperate? i've only lucked out with chigozie, and now i've put a time frame on our relationship.
part of me wants to end it, part of me never wants to let her go again. when we talked about wat it would be like to see each other with someone else after we ended it, i just felt so empty. like seeing another guy's hands on her would make me feel angry and jealous and possessive, but seeing her laugh or even smile at another guy would just make me feel empty. i love her, i know i do. "so why are u together?"
....sometimes i wonder that too.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
haha, irony
"I will turn the page with a feeling of satisfaction, knowing who died at the end, who lived, who loved and who lost, so when I say goodbye, it's not a half-assed, remorseful one, but a genuine, loving, gentle, happy goodbye. And a genuine hello to the world that awaits me."
-Jessica Watters
who died:miranda
who lived:julia
who loved:jake
who lost:...russell.
-Jessica Watters
who died:miranda
who lived:julia
who loved:jake
who lost:...russell.
to my friend
ok, true, u probably fool me a lot more than i realize, but i think i know u enough to tell a little bit why you're angry. when u were talking to me about going on a break with fred, i remember u saying that wat u wanted more than anything was for him to tell u no, he needed u. and first of all, he did, and does need u, and i'm guessing he didn't say much against the idea because ur the world to him. the exact same thing happened to julia. she wanted to break up with her bf, she wanted him to say no, but he said ok because he wanted wat was best for her and would make her happiest. its the same with fred, and most if not all guys who will ever care about u or another girl.
(i'm gonna act like i know it all now):girls like to be fought for, but they dont want to tell guys, they just want them to get it and fight through fire and hell and other rough shit for them. but unfortunately, most guys dont get that. if we care a lot about a girl (like fred and i do about u), and u want to push us away, we'll let u if we think it'll help u, despite its effect on us, which would usually suck.
i do accept too quickly, cuz i'm not a huge fan of confrontation. i get that from my dad. he's pretty passive or passive aggressive most of the time, and i guess i am a lot too. my mom's the aggressive one, and gets into fights with people a bit, but i guess it could be worse. and sure, u r manipulative, and that's rarely a nice thing, but ur not a bitch. and just trust me on this one. i may be blinded by ur good qualities, but that's only because there's plenty of them, and as i told u, i think u sell urself short.
ok, i guess the whole jealousy subject is weird for me, not cuz i dont see my worth, i think i do a lot more than i used to thanks to u, but i'm just not used to ppl being jealous of me. i'm a good pianist and poet sure, and i do other stuff well too, but im jealous of u 2. and dont say i shouldnt be. i think ur mind is more beautiful than mine. like remember that poem i showed u, with the line "his heart spoke thought in poetry" that was about u. ur thoughts are beautifully organized, whether u want to accept that compliment or not, u r attractive. very much so. just ask fred. the funny thing, i think i got that from my dad, he's hilarious, and the charming thing, idk, i guess in middle school i tried the whole reclusive thing, didn't work, and now i have friends who i feel i can be myself with. and sure, things get awkward sometimes, but watever.
ok, maybe part of me was a little annoyed with u, but its probably cuz u've been worrying about me so much, but i guess i see myself as the one who's supposed to worry, and i feel even now that time spent worrying about myself, trying to see if anything's wrong in my life, is time wasted. not that i dont feel i deserve to have problems, but if life's good, i dont feel like i need to sweat the small stuff, u know?
i guess i hate the thought of u spending time worrying about me. the last thing i want to do is cause u trouble or pain, but i guess i'm also jealous that u can see through me so easily, and u know me better than i know u or myself. dont get me wrong, its reli helpful, but sometimes i wish i had ur clarity of seeing ppl.
i know i focus on the best in ppl, partly cuz i want to accept them or forgive them or something, and part of me probably wants to protect my innocence from thinking that the world is awful. but i love all of my friends, despite their flaws, cuz i know i have to accept all of them, or at least as much as my heart wants to accept. sure, my optimism may get me hurt, and has, but im okay with that. i'll accept the consequences, because i'd rather be more accepting than critical of people. there u go, ur not a bitch, u just see a lot in ppl, and ur critical or their flaws.its like being extra perceptive and seeing all the little bumps and obstructions on ppl's faces.
yea, i'm jealous of russell. i wish i weren't, but i cant help it. he accels in the aspect of life im most insecure about in my self. sure, i have good qualities, but there's a part of me that likes to be the best at everything, which i kinda hate, but u know. i didnt have my first kiss till 16, i was turned down by every girl i asked out in middle school (and freshman and sophomore year), while he has been a pimp practically forever, and has made out (and gone out) with arguably the 2 best looking girls i asked out. and u've been where i am too, can u reli blame me for being jealous? =/
sigh. yea, maybe i'm wasting my time on russell. i've let our friendship become pretty shallow, but he's still my friend. ur guys' drama isn't stupid, i know stupid drama. (aka, alyssa, amanda, shariss) sure, i'll probably have my own stuff to deal with, we all will. but by then, i'll probably have other friends to listen to me, or i'll be able to handle it myself, so dont worry about it.
ok, i have felt like u've been pushing me away a bit, but i've been doing that too. but don't u ever think that i won't keep in touch with u. unless u change ur cell #, we're definitely going to be talking, and i might even have internet access where i'm going to college. jessy, ur like a sister to me. ur my best friend, and if i'm keeping in touch with anyone from high school, it's gonna be u. k? so don't push me away. besides, im not that easily gotten rid of. =]
(i'm gonna act like i know it all now):girls like to be fought for, but they dont want to tell guys, they just want them to get it and fight through fire and hell and other rough shit for them. but unfortunately, most guys dont get that. if we care a lot about a girl (like fred and i do about u), and u want to push us away, we'll let u if we think it'll help u, despite its effect on us, which would usually suck.
i do accept too quickly, cuz i'm not a huge fan of confrontation. i get that from my dad. he's pretty passive or passive aggressive most of the time, and i guess i am a lot too. my mom's the aggressive one, and gets into fights with people a bit, but i guess it could be worse. and sure, u r manipulative, and that's rarely a nice thing, but ur not a bitch. and just trust me on this one. i may be blinded by ur good qualities, but that's only because there's plenty of them, and as i told u, i think u sell urself short.
ok, i guess the whole jealousy subject is weird for me, not cuz i dont see my worth, i think i do a lot more than i used to thanks to u, but i'm just not used to ppl being jealous of me. i'm a good pianist and poet sure, and i do other stuff well too, but im jealous of u 2. and dont say i shouldnt be. i think ur mind is more beautiful than mine. like remember that poem i showed u, with the line "his heart spoke thought in poetry" that was about u. ur thoughts are beautifully organized, whether u want to accept that compliment or not, u r attractive. very much so. just ask fred. the funny thing, i think i got that from my dad, he's hilarious, and the charming thing, idk, i guess in middle school i tried the whole reclusive thing, didn't work, and now i have friends who i feel i can be myself with. and sure, things get awkward sometimes, but watever.
ok, maybe part of me was a little annoyed with u, but its probably cuz u've been worrying about me so much, but i guess i see myself as the one who's supposed to worry, and i feel even now that time spent worrying about myself, trying to see if anything's wrong in my life, is time wasted. not that i dont feel i deserve to have problems, but if life's good, i dont feel like i need to sweat the small stuff, u know?
i guess i hate the thought of u spending time worrying about me. the last thing i want to do is cause u trouble or pain, but i guess i'm also jealous that u can see through me so easily, and u know me better than i know u or myself. dont get me wrong, its reli helpful, but sometimes i wish i had ur clarity of seeing ppl.
i know i focus on the best in ppl, partly cuz i want to accept them or forgive them or something, and part of me probably wants to protect my innocence from thinking that the world is awful. but i love all of my friends, despite their flaws, cuz i know i have to accept all of them, or at least as much as my heart wants to accept. sure, my optimism may get me hurt, and has, but im okay with that. i'll accept the consequences, because i'd rather be more accepting than critical of people. there u go, ur not a bitch, u just see a lot in ppl, and ur critical or their flaws.its like being extra perceptive and seeing all the little bumps and obstructions on ppl's faces.
yea, i'm jealous of russell. i wish i weren't, but i cant help it. he accels in the aspect of life im most insecure about in my self. sure, i have good qualities, but there's a part of me that likes to be the best at everything, which i kinda hate, but u know. i didnt have my first kiss till 16, i was turned down by every girl i asked out in middle school (and freshman and sophomore year), while he has been a pimp practically forever, and has made out (and gone out) with arguably the 2 best looking girls i asked out. and u've been where i am too, can u reli blame me for being jealous? =/
sigh. yea, maybe i'm wasting my time on russell. i've let our friendship become pretty shallow, but he's still my friend. ur guys' drama isn't stupid, i know stupid drama. (aka, alyssa, amanda, shariss) sure, i'll probably have my own stuff to deal with, we all will. but by then, i'll probably have other friends to listen to me, or i'll be able to handle it myself, so dont worry about it.
ok, i have felt like u've been pushing me away a bit, but i've been doing that too. but don't u ever think that i won't keep in touch with u. unless u change ur cell #, we're definitely going to be talking, and i might even have internet access where i'm going to college. jessy, ur like a sister to me. ur my best friend, and if i'm keeping in touch with anyone from high school, it's gonna be u. k? so don't push me away. besides, im not that easily gotten rid of. =]
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
weird day
the sky was cloudy and whitish gray today. it fit at first. we didnt seem to be talking, and barely making eye contact. it made me really sad, but i cant say i was surprised after our convo last night. i feel like i said too much, or spoke too selfishly, idk. oh well, things are better now, and the day ended well.
idk, but i guess if she reads this, i just want to tell her that she means alot to me. she's my best friend, and she's like a sister to me. i've said that to other ppl, but i mean it the most with her. she's my favorite person to hang out with, sullen, drunk, angry, crying, watever. she's not just my sometimes friend. she's my always best friend, and we dont have to talk about watever's going on to still be friends, and she doesnt have to be her happiest for us to hang out. (hintidy hint hint) =]
idk, but i guess if she reads this, i just want to tell her that she means alot to me. she's my best friend, and she's like a sister to me. i've said that to other ppl, but i mean it the most with her. she's my favorite person to hang out with, sullen, drunk, angry, crying, watever. she's not just my sometimes friend. she's my always best friend, and we dont have to talk about watever's going on to still be friends, and she doesnt have to be her happiest for us to hang out. (hintidy hint hint) =]
Sunday, April 6, 2008
guilt
i don't know what hurts more. knowing I ruined her first good mood in a while, hearing a sum of wat she's been going through lately and knowing it may not be all, or knowing that nothing i can say or do will help.
of the 3 things that almost made me cry this weekend, this has been the worst, but the least tear-provoking.
it's weird. when my friends are going through shit, i only seem to cry when i pray for them. it's a different kind of pain, not like with samantha or hannah, or even ariel. i just feel empty, weak. almost physically so.
a big part of me doesn't want her to read this, cuz i know it won't help, but i feel like getting this out somewhere, and being selfish. ta. da.
of the 3 things that almost made me cry this weekend, this has been the worst, but the least tear-provoking.
it's weird. when my friends are going through shit, i only seem to cry when i pray for them. it's a different kind of pain, not like with samantha or hannah, or even ariel. i just feel empty, weak. almost physically so.
a big part of me doesn't want her to read this, cuz i know it won't help, but i feel like getting this out somewhere, and being selfish. ta. da.
first post
i was just thinking, which i do a lot, and writing in that little leather book should just be for poems, not so much just thinking. hence, blog.
i figured i needed to cyber vent cuz i just started crying playing piano. i feel like this first blog is gonna sound pretentious, or pissy, so just bear with me. (bear? bare? watever)
my chest felt weird right after i cried. like i'd just gotten punched. not quite the physical manifestation of emotional pain, but that was there too. i've been trying to describe the physical-emotional pain recently, but it's tricky. the pain changes with the reason. if its cuz of love, then its like a burning in my chest, same with anger i guess, but i've never been that angry. and when its sadness, its more like a weight in ur chest, making it harder to move, like ur in the ocean, with an anchor in ur chest, and ur sinking. and when u feel useless, or helpless, or something-less, its like u have that weight, but u've given up swimming back to the surface, so u just feel empty and weightless. it's not much more fun, especially if ur primary function as a person is feeling. =P
so that's where i am right now, but its stupid, cuz im not even the one with the problem. she's my best friend, and when i read her blog it said she doesnt write, she just thinks, and if that's true, i dont get how she can look at how her thoughts flow, and think she's nothing special. she's one of the most amazing ppl i've ever met, and by far the most unforgettable. it's weird, but when we talk in starbucks or something, it's almost like the young adventurous person who has climbed the mountaintop to seek the wise council of the guru or something. and she's the guru, but she's in pain. her head is bowed, weighed down by how much she knows, and her eyes look into space, having seen too much in too little time.
ow. ow. (chest throbs? it's been awhile) ms. preuss was right. i do internalize this stuff. does that make me better or worse than him? hmm, probably neither. u cant compare apples to pineapples. one is plain, juicy i guess, could be sour on the inside, but there's always some outside indication. but with pineapples, they always have those pines sticking out, and it's harder to tell wat's going on on the inside just from looking at the outside. and they could be as sour or as sweet as possible on the inside, but u have to be let in, either by finding the chink that lets u see the inside (like a notebook or something =P), or simply cutting in there by force. but be careful, cuz u might get ur finger caught. unfortunately, i have neither knife nor sight to effectively see into the pineapple. oh well, there's always the pear. sometimes overlooked, it can be very juicy and sweet, though biting into it often leaves less than pleasant residue.
ok, enough metaphors, blog entry #1, complete. i guess i feel a bit better. i wonder how she's doing....
i figured i needed to cyber vent cuz i just started crying playing piano. i feel like this first blog is gonna sound pretentious, or pissy, so just bear with me. (bear? bare? watever)
my chest felt weird right after i cried. like i'd just gotten punched. not quite the physical manifestation of emotional pain, but that was there too. i've been trying to describe the physical-emotional pain recently, but it's tricky. the pain changes with the reason. if its cuz of love, then its like a burning in my chest, same with anger i guess, but i've never been that angry. and when its sadness, its more like a weight in ur chest, making it harder to move, like ur in the ocean, with an anchor in ur chest, and ur sinking. and when u feel useless, or helpless, or something-less, its like u have that weight, but u've given up swimming back to the surface, so u just feel empty and weightless. it's not much more fun, especially if ur primary function as a person is feeling. =P
so that's where i am right now, but its stupid, cuz im not even the one with the problem. she's my best friend, and when i read her blog it said she doesnt write, she just thinks, and if that's true, i dont get how she can look at how her thoughts flow, and think she's nothing special. she's one of the most amazing ppl i've ever met, and by far the most unforgettable. it's weird, but when we talk in starbucks or something, it's almost like the young adventurous person who has climbed the mountaintop to seek the wise council of the guru or something. and she's the guru, but she's in pain. her head is bowed, weighed down by how much she knows, and her eyes look into space, having seen too much in too little time.
ow. ow. (chest throbs? it's been awhile) ms. preuss was right. i do internalize this stuff. does that make me better or worse than him? hmm, probably neither. u cant compare apples to pineapples. one is plain, juicy i guess, could be sour on the inside, but there's always some outside indication. but with pineapples, they always have those pines sticking out, and it's harder to tell wat's going on on the inside just from looking at the outside. and they could be as sour or as sweet as possible on the inside, but u have to be let in, either by finding the chink that lets u see the inside (like a notebook or something =P), or simply cutting in there by force. but be careful, cuz u might get ur finger caught. unfortunately, i have neither knife nor sight to effectively see into the pineapple. oh well, there's always the pear. sometimes overlooked, it can be very juicy and sweet, though biting into it often leaves less than pleasant residue.
ok, enough metaphors, blog entry #1, complete. i guess i feel a bit better. i wonder how she's doing....
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