so yea, i didn't forget it was christmas =]
as always, i wish everyone all the happiness and love and peace that i feel we each deserve everyday. we just happen to pick today to go all out in giving that to others. still, keep this cheer and good spiritedness towards ourselves and others as fresh as possible all year round.
why u ask? why not? =D
happy holidays.
Friday, December 25, 2009
chick flicks (expected)
ok, so i saw the notebook and he's just not that into you in the same week, and i loved them both. surprise surprise.
it's been too long since i've blogged, but i don't know where to begin. ok, the notebook was pure beauty from beginning to end, and even though i could predict almost everything in the movie, i still cried at the end. too touching an ending. couldn't handle it.
i expected he's just not that into you to be cheesy, predictable, and cliche, but i really liked it. the ending was bittersweet, as to where the characters ended up (alone or with someone). the right people ended up happy though. they weaved the characters together pretty well, and they set up the romances nicely. all in all, i'd watch it again. but i feel like the notebook is one of those movies that will just stick with me to the point that i won't need to see it again.
err, updates, updates.... college is still great, finals weren't so bad. a little stressful, but as my upperclassmen friends showed me, it'll be worse soon enough. =P i'm writing poetry as always, playing piano as always, i'm probably gonna audition for one of the dance groups up there next semester, oh, and i'm singing my ass off. =]
i'm not gonna lie, i love it at amherst, and that doesn't look like it's gonna change. but it's always good to be home with the ppl i love. i hope i see every person who gets to read this b4 i go back on the 8th. =]
it's been too long since i've blogged, but i don't know where to begin. ok, the notebook was pure beauty from beginning to end, and even though i could predict almost everything in the movie, i still cried at the end. too touching an ending. couldn't handle it.
i expected he's just not that into you to be cheesy, predictable, and cliche, but i really liked it. the ending was bittersweet, as to where the characters ended up (alone or with someone). the right people ended up happy though. they weaved the characters together pretty well, and they set up the romances nicely. all in all, i'd watch it again. but i feel like the notebook is one of those movies that will just stick with me to the point that i won't need to see it again.
err, updates, updates.... college is still great, finals weren't so bad. a little stressful, but as my upperclassmen friends showed me, it'll be worse soon enough. =P i'm writing poetry as always, playing piano as always, i'm probably gonna audition for one of the dance groups up there next semester, oh, and i'm singing my ass off. =]
i'm not gonna lie, i love it at amherst, and that doesn't look like it's gonna change. but it's always good to be home with the ppl i love. i hope i see every person who gets to read this b4 i go back on the 8th. =]
Monday, October 26, 2009
catharsis
thanks dad, for teaching me the word for a huge change right before going off to college, cuz it's starting to kick in. the parties are just starting to get monotonous, and people are acting kinda crazy. it's good tho, cuz there are always zumbyes and bluesox (the zumbyes' sister group) willing to chill less maniacally, and these guys ryan and azlan are more or less two distinct possibilities of what i'll be like as a senior.
i miss you ny ppl, it's weird trying to find a sort of home in every aspect of life here, but i'm working on it, and hopefully things will solidify soon. but for now, i'm just getting fucking pissed off at how 90% of the time, ppl can't fathom having fun without getting trashed. i actually threw my phone and punched a wall the other day and almost caused dorm damage. it wasn't just cuz of this, but it pushed me over the edge for a bit. first time i've been mad since coming here.
ugh. ok, better now. =]
i miss you ny ppl, it's weird trying to find a sort of home in every aspect of life here, but i'm working on it, and hopefully things will solidify soon. but for now, i'm just getting fucking pissed off at how 90% of the time, ppl can't fathom having fun without getting trashed. i actually threw my phone and punched a wall the other day and almost caused dorm damage. it wasn't just cuz of this, but it pushed me over the edge for a bit. first time i've been mad since coming here.
ugh. ok, better now. =]
Saturday, October 10, 2009
new stuffs
so i figured it was time to blog again, if for no other reason to mix up the posts that are up now. they're all kinda heavy, and i feel like i'm in a fog lately, so maybe if i blog more often, i can see what's in my head an make more sense of it. only time will tell.
so i'm back in ny, it's weird. riding in the bus back into the city, there were some clouds that had been streaked across the sky in lines, like a barbecue grill, and the sunset behind them made them look red. it was sort of disconcerting, like the sky was smeared with blood. oh well, i doubt it's a reliable omen for the next two days (knock on wood). new york was just as congested, chaotic, and loud as i thought it would be, and i already miss being able to make eye contact with people. =[
the cab ride back sort of gave me a headache, idk if it was the noise, the smelly air, or the speed of the cab ride itself, but it just reminded me that i'm truly not a city boy at heart. i'm too lazy/relaxed/slow paced for this place, but it is my home. oh well.
it's funny, i realized that i'd tried to disown ny because when i thought back, i had a very biased image of it. congested, crowded, rude ppl, polluted, too much commercialism, too hectic and fast paced. i mean, all of that is right, but ny's also really artistic, and parts of it are as beautiful as other parts are...not. =P i guess you just have to take the good with the bad. welcome home.
so i'm back in ny, it's weird. riding in the bus back into the city, there were some clouds that had been streaked across the sky in lines, like a barbecue grill, and the sunset behind them made them look red. it was sort of disconcerting, like the sky was smeared with blood. oh well, i doubt it's a reliable omen for the next two days (knock on wood). new york was just as congested, chaotic, and loud as i thought it would be, and i already miss being able to make eye contact with people. =[
the cab ride back sort of gave me a headache, idk if it was the noise, the smelly air, or the speed of the cab ride itself, but it just reminded me that i'm truly not a city boy at heart. i'm too lazy/relaxed/slow paced for this place, but it is my home. oh well.
it's funny, i realized that i'd tried to disown ny because when i thought back, i had a very biased image of it. congested, crowded, rude ppl, polluted, too much commercialism, too hectic and fast paced. i mean, all of that is right, but ny's also really artistic, and parts of it are as beautiful as other parts are...not. =P i guess you just have to take the good with the bad. welcome home.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
blah
just had to get that last post out, momentary lapse in happiness. most things are great here, parties and shit just gets confusing sometimes. that's all. =P
confusion
what is it? it's like they're members of some amazing, secret cult that can tell when others aren't. but it's not even a secret, they wear it on their sleeves, they talk about it, splitting everyone into us or them. they look out for their own, so to speak, and shun others from their sacred practices. ugh, it's so fucking annoying.
why do they think it makes them better? half the time it wasn't about trust, and the other half it just happened too early, for the wrong reasons, and regrets piled upon regrets, was it really worth gaining those first few years of superiority before the cult runs its course and just becomes commonplace? someone, please enlighten me, as i am a woeful, uneducated, timid thing, not worth your attention or your indulgence.
fuck you.
why do they think it makes them better? half the time it wasn't about trust, and the other half it just happened too early, for the wrong reasons, and regrets piled upon regrets, was it really worth gaining those first few years of superiority before the cult runs its course and just becomes commonplace? someone, please enlighten me, as i am a woeful, uneducated, timid thing, not worth your attention or your indulgence.
fuck you.
Monday, September 28, 2009
glass
(disclaimer: juliet, this is not about u. i never doubt that i loved you)
sometimes, most of the time, guys are stupid. we can't tell u how we feel, so we act out, or ignore you, or hook up. idk about the last one personally, but watever. in accordance to popular belief, guys are simple. contrary to popular belief, we do have feelings. unfortunately, those emotions can get us into trouble or get us hurt, so we don't acknowledge them nearly as much as we should. this makes us come off as numb half intentionally and half out of self-defense.
it can get to the point where we feel something, act in response, but don't even understand the real feeling that's making us do these things. unless it's something as overpowering and devastating as true love, which we have enough trouble reconciling anyway, we're more or less emotionally illiterate. it sucks, but sometimes we don't tell u how we feel cuz we legit don't know.
the point of this is that guys are simple, but we do care, even if we can't express or say it for shit. but what we can do, when we care about someone, is try to keep them near to us, and caring about us. that's why we say things, and stay near u, and then panic and retreat when we see our cover falling from our heart and our actions. we overplay our hand out of wanting you near, and then we clutch our cards to our chest immediately to save face and heart.
ladies, and men who don't realize, know that we do care. we're too simple to fuck around and lead u on without reason. we do care. it can suck at times, but we do.
sometimes, most of the time, guys are stupid. we can't tell u how we feel, so we act out, or ignore you, or hook up. idk about the last one personally, but watever. in accordance to popular belief, guys are simple. contrary to popular belief, we do have feelings. unfortunately, those emotions can get us into trouble or get us hurt, so we don't acknowledge them nearly as much as we should. this makes us come off as numb half intentionally and half out of self-defense.
it can get to the point where we feel something, act in response, but don't even understand the real feeling that's making us do these things. unless it's something as overpowering and devastating as true love, which we have enough trouble reconciling anyway, we're more or less emotionally illiterate. it sucks, but sometimes we don't tell u how we feel cuz we legit don't know.
the point of this is that guys are simple, but we do care, even if we can't express or say it for shit. but what we can do, when we care about someone, is try to keep them near to us, and caring about us. that's why we say things, and stay near u, and then panic and retreat when we see our cover falling from our heart and our actions. we overplay our hand out of wanting you near, and then we clutch our cards to our chest immediately to save face and heart.
ladies, and men who don't realize, know that we do care. we're too simple to fuck around and lead u on without reason. we do care. it can suck at times, but we do.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
checking in
hey guys, got a free moment, and juliet said i haven't posted on the bloggersphere in a while, which is true, so here goes:
i love it here, the mountains, memorial hill is freaking beautiful no matter what time of day. i'm playing some ultimate frisbee, I'm technically on the team, but i don't go everyday, which is fine, because they're really chill. they call me condor, after my frisbee nickname in high school (thanks jamie elish). we play barefoot, which surprised me at first, but it's really natural now and i like the feeling. we played in the rain the other day, which was reli funny, ppl slipping and sliding and dropping the frisbee for no reason. even when u mess up tho, the more jockish seeming members don't make fun of u, they're always encouraging and reli nice. college sports is WAY different than in high school.
oh, as i've mentioned, i'm playing piano in the dining hall like every day, but it's hard to keep each time fresh, sometimes i just pick out new stuff on the spot, and normally it works, yay. there r some other reli good pianists here, but i seem to have the monopoly on the piano in the dining hall.
i haven't read ppl poetry in about a week, which i just realized, but i'm writing some good stuffs here. it's sorta weird, cuz the natural beauty around here is so inspiring, but i can't find that much time to sit down and put it all in a poem. still, when stuff flows here, it's pretty great. (or legit, as everyone says here)
my a capella auditions went reeeeeli well. they were impressed with my falsetto control, even tho i hadn't sang it in months, with the zumbyes, i got every sing back note progression perfectly, which i was a little surprised at too, and the most surprising part was that i felt confident through most of it. these guys are all amazing singers, and at least one of them has perfect pitch (he named a high f# just from hearing the piano) but they were all so nice and approachable both at rehearsals and just when seeing me on campus that my voice rarely shook, i talked a decent amount, and i made them laugh once or twice, which is good cuz they do a lot of comedy stuffs. finally, i sang moondance, and they all started tapping and whatnot, and they liked when i belted a bit, and when i put a little flourish run at the end, they all cheered. it felt so good.
err, wat else. oh, i met these two epic seniors:ryan don't know his last name and azlan (yes, like the lion) guttenberg (wait for it, wait for it...) smith. (what happened). they're both really cool. ryan's basically what i want to be when i leave amherst. he's cool, calm, but still happy and emotional, he's a poet like me, and we met cuz he saw my poetry book, and he has the same one in the color that miranda originally gave me. the other night we spent at least half an hour sitting on a bench looking at the mountains and talking about high school, freshmen orientation, girls, siblings, philosophy, it was incredible. i legit think it was fate meeting him, and when i told him why he sort of agreed. he kept reminding me that i'd only been there 2 weeks, and that this was our first real convo. funny how things go.
the most important thing he said to me tho was "jake, i don't think you're naive. there's a difference between being naive and not knowing things." idk, that just rang with me. i do miss all u beautiful ny ppl, even if the thought of going back to the city makes my soul gag. see you all soon, we love you madly. =]
i love it here, the mountains, memorial hill is freaking beautiful no matter what time of day. i'm playing some ultimate frisbee, I'm technically on the team, but i don't go everyday, which is fine, because they're really chill. they call me condor, after my frisbee nickname in high school (thanks jamie elish). we play barefoot, which surprised me at first, but it's really natural now and i like the feeling. we played in the rain the other day, which was reli funny, ppl slipping and sliding and dropping the frisbee for no reason. even when u mess up tho, the more jockish seeming members don't make fun of u, they're always encouraging and reli nice. college sports is WAY different than in high school.
oh, as i've mentioned, i'm playing piano in the dining hall like every day, but it's hard to keep each time fresh, sometimes i just pick out new stuff on the spot, and normally it works, yay. there r some other reli good pianists here, but i seem to have the monopoly on the piano in the dining hall.
i haven't read ppl poetry in about a week, which i just realized, but i'm writing some good stuffs here. it's sorta weird, cuz the natural beauty around here is so inspiring, but i can't find that much time to sit down and put it all in a poem. still, when stuff flows here, it's pretty great. (or legit, as everyone says here)
my a capella auditions went reeeeeli well. they were impressed with my falsetto control, even tho i hadn't sang it in months, with the zumbyes, i got every sing back note progression perfectly, which i was a little surprised at too, and the most surprising part was that i felt confident through most of it. these guys are all amazing singers, and at least one of them has perfect pitch (he named a high f# just from hearing the piano) but they were all so nice and approachable both at rehearsals and just when seeing me on campus that my voice rarely shook, i talked a decent amount, and i made them laugh once or twice, which is good cuz they do a lot of comedy stuffs. finally, i sang moondance, and they all started tapping and whatnot, and they liked when i belted a bit, and when i put a little flourish run at the end, they all cheered. it felt so good.
err, wat else. oh, i met these two epic seniors:ryan don't know his last name and azlan (yes, like the lion) guttenberg (wait for it, wait for it...) smith. (what happened). they're both really cool. ryan's basically what i want to be when i leave amherst. he's cool, calm, but still happy and emotional, he's a poet like me, and we met cuz he saw my poetry book, and he has the same one in the color that miranda originally gave me. the other night we spent at least half an hour sitting on a bench looking at the mountains and talking about high school, freshmen orientation, girls, siblings, philosophy, it was incredible. i legit think it was fate meeting him, and when i told him why he sort of agreed. he kept reminding me that i'd only been there 2 weeks, and that this was our first real convo. funny how things go.
the most important thing he said to me tho was "jake, i don't think you're naive. there's a difference between being naive and not knowing things." idk, that just rang with me. i do miss all u beautiful ny ppl, even if the thought of going back to the city makes my soul gag. see you all soon, we love you madly. =]
Saturday, August 29, 2009
the last drop
there really is never enough time, but you will be my first true love forever.
goodnight angel.
goodnight angel.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
cool ideas
so this movie bickford shmeckler's cool ideas has been on comedy central a lot, as it was this same time last year, and watching it again is making me think about the concepts presented in it again.
so the final epiphany of this guy is that we can't understand anything, and that anyone who tries to understand everything is a dickweed, or douchebag, or something like that, i forget which word he uses. but it's a cool socratic realization. and it wraps up the movie in a great way that says something about the nature of humanity and understanding. because he has this book full of cool ideas, which are based on scientific facts that we can understand as humans, coupled with observations about human nature talking about things we can't understand, like why we think we exist if subatomically, we're mostly empty space, how we can think, etc.
and this got me thinking, that mankind is in the middle in terms of understanding. it goes back to the philosophical veil of ideas that plato and others discussed. (those of you who will take philosophy will be familiar with this) there are things we can understand, and things that we can't, but that's probably the best position to be in. because if we understood everything, we'd either be depressed by the dismal or unsatisfying truths into commiting suicide, (in one of the first scenes of the movie, the guy thinks about jumping off the dorm roof because he can't come up with his goal, a unifying theory of everything), we'd still have differing views and opinions on a larger and more extreme scale, our enhanced wisdom and resulting technology intensifying warfare and disagreement. and if we were too dumb to understand anything, we'd live constantly in fear of everything around us, and we'd probably lash out at poor times.
with us being in the middle of these two extremes, we can understand enough to have an opinion about the world and not be afraid of everything surrounding us, but we don't understand enough for there to be no mystery in life, for everything to look so simple that it can't be beautiful without us taking a condescending view to it. for any scifi ppl, just look at dr, manhattan from watchmen. he understands "how everything in this world fits together except people" as the silk spectre says, and everything in the world to him, except humans, at only one point, are boring, and he seems depressed and disconnected from the world throughout the movie. if we knew everything, we'd be like doctor manhattan. enlightened, but unhappy, unaffected by life's simple miracles. he doesn't know everything, so he still has some sense of wonder, but if he truly knew everything, there would be no joy in his existence.
so in short, we're lucky that both the world and our perceptional abilities were constructed in such a way for life to be somewhat revealing to us, and somewhat concealed, allowing us to be in awe of aspects of the universe, while understanding how beautiful and miraculous they are.
i don't know if i phrased all of it right, cuz it was sort of just verbal spewage, but i hope some of this made sense/made u think/understand/wonder.
so the final epiphany of this guy is that we can't understand anything, and that anyone who tries to understand everything is a dickweed, or douchebag, or something like that, i forget which word he uses. but it's a cool socratic realization. and it wraps up the movie in a great way that says something about the nature of humanity and understanding. because he has this book full of cool ideas, which are based on scientific facts that we can understand as humans, coupled with observations about human nature talking about things we can't understand, like why we think we exist if subatomically, we're mostly empty space, how we can think, etc.
and this got me thinking, that mankind is in the middle in terms of understanding. it goes back to the philosophical veil of ideas that plato and others discussed. (those of you who will take philosophy will be familiar with this) there are things we can understand, and things that we can't, but that's probably the best position to be in. because if we understood everything, we'd either be depressed by the dismal or unsatisfying truths into commiting suicide, (in one of the first scenes of the movie, the guy thinks about jumping off the dorm roof because he can't come up with his goal, a unifying theory of everything), we'd still have differing views and opinions on a larger and more extreme scale, our enhanced wisdom and resulting technology intensifying warfare and disagreement. and if we were too dumb to understand anything, we'd live constantly in fear of everything around us, and we'd probably lash out at poor times.
with us being in the middle of these two extremes, we can understand enough to have an opinion about the world and not be afraid of everything surrounding us, but we don't understand enough for there to be no mystery in life, for everything to look so simple that it can't be beautiful without us taking a condescending view to it. for any scifi ppl, just look at dr, manhattan from watchmen. he understands "how everything in this world fits together except people" as the silk spectre says, and everything in the world to him, except humans, at only one point, are boring, and he seems depressed and disconnected from the world throughout the movie. if we knew everything, we'd be like doctor manhattan. enlightened, but unhappy, unaffected by life's simple miracles. he doesn't know everything, so he still has some sense of wonder, but if he truly knew everything, there would be no joy in his existence.
so in short, we're lucky that both the world and our perceptional abilities were constructed in such a way for life to be somewhat revealing to us, and somewhat concealed, allowing us to be in awe of aspects of the universe, while understanding how beautiful and miraculous they are.
i don't know if i phrased all of it right, cuz it was sort of just verbal spewage, but i hope some of this made sense/made u think/understand/wonder.
Friday, August 14, 2009
thank you robert frost
so jordan took some robert frost on vacation with us, and read some to me tonite. i want to write like him, like shakespeare, like jessy, like cc, they all seem to have such a facility with language. i want my thoughts to sound like poetry, for the words to flow and fit together like a puzzle of ocean and sky. ok, so here's some robert frost inspired poetry, enjoy.
A watch, a calendar, a clock,
Their reading never satisfies.
The future seems behind a lock,
The past, beneath us, buried lies.
In time, we cast our hope before
As lamentations trail behind.
With age, we're constantly at war;
Envy the body, curse the mind.
We often feel a blinding ire
Because of an imagined rift
Between the present and desire,
We never see it as a gift.
A watch, a calendar, a clock,
Their reading never satisfies.
The future seems behind a lock,
The past, beneath us, buried lies.
In time, we cast our hope before
As lamentations trail behind.
With age, we're constantly at war;
Envy the body, curse the mind.
We often feel a blinding ire
Because of an imagined rift
Between the present and desire,
We never see it as a gift.
Friday, July 31, 2009
reminiscing
each day i seem to miss someone else, most of whom aren't in the city right now. =[ this is for you all.
madame t-juliet and i were at red lobster yesterday, and we heard some african music a block away, and she asked where u were, and i thought about it, and realized just how much i miss watching u dance. african, hip hop, modern, you always had ur own flavor to it and made it look effortless. and u never look as free as u do when u dance. it's like the world dissolves around u and ur christening a new one with your moves. u know i'm coming bak to see ur dtw piece, so make it hot. =]
sunflower girl-i still need to type up that poem for u, sorry. =P give my regards to ur wonderful gf, i love the cd u gave me, and i'll miss playing music with u at ur house. u have such a zest for everything u do in life, and i don't know what i'll do to get that extra energy u'd give me daily with your presence. get back from whatever beautiful location you're at right now so i can hear u sing and play ur guitar songs. =]
bluebird-i never took the time to say how happy i am for u, and how proud i am of you for making it these past two years. i hear ur family's amazing, and i couldn't be happier for u. i wonder if u still play guitar, if u still write songs, if u still love the sunrise the same way u taught me to years ago. i've asked about u from jess and julia, but i guess i was too afraid to call or something, honestly, because i feel like i abandoned u when u left. i just let u go and that was that. but i miss how we used to be, and i'll always cherish those memories. =]
shadow-even though i saw u a few days ago, it made me realize how much i miss u. i can't wait till u get ur computer so we can ichat and i can find out if that finger thing still works. u really do seem more mature. u were always thoughtful, but now u're using those powers for understanding urself and not just criticizing. u must keep writing and show me ur poems, because i'll always be able to learn about language from anything u write. u've been through a lot and u're still standing, so never underestimate ur strength. u can take on anything this world might throw at u, and i'm always here to catch u, even if i have to run across the world and leap, arms outstretched. =]
ninjaaah-i could not be less surprised that ur apprenticing with a blacksmith. i'm gonna miss having u there as an example, academically, athletically, making me want to be as good as u. u motivated me more that u know, and i know u can do absolutely anything that u care enough about to devote urself to. it's cliche, but u've proven time and again, with dancing, wrestling, schoolwork, women, that anything u want, u can achieve as long as u give it an honest try. we're going to college, time to forge ur own path, and russ, u can change the world, so reli put ur mind to wat u want to do, and don't just fuck around, because frankly, if u squandered ur talent and drive by doing something meaningless to u, i'd be fucking pissed off. kick some ass man. =]
madame t-juliet and i were at red lobster yesterday, and we heard some african music a block away, and she asked where u were, and i thought about it, and realized just how much i miss watching u dance. african, hip hop, modern, you always had ur own flavor to it and made it look effortless. and u never look as free as u do when u dance. it's like the world dissolves around u and ur christening a new one with your moves. u know i'm coming bak to see ur dtw piece, so make it hot. =]
sunflower girl-i still need to type up that poem for u, sorry. =P give my regards to ur wonderful gf, i love the cd u gave me, and i'll miss playing music with u at ur house. u have such a zest for everything u do in life, and i don't know what i'll do to get that extra energy u'd give me daily with your presence. get back from whatever beautiful location you're at right now so i can hear u sing and play ur guitar songs. =]
bluebird-i never took the time to say how happy i am for u, and how proud i am of you for making it these past two years. i hear ur family's amazing, and i couldn't be happier for u. i wonder if u still play guitar, if u still write songs, if u still love the sunrise the same way u taught me to years ago. i've asked about u from jess and julia, but i guess i was too afraid to call or something, honestly, because i feel like i abandoned u when u left. i just let u go and that was that. but i miss how we used to be, and i'll always cherish those memories. =]
shadow-even though i saw u a few days ago, it made me realize how much i miss u. i can't wait till u get ur computer so we can ichat and i can find out if that finger thing still works. u really do seem more mature. u were always thoughtful, but now u're using those powers for understanding urself and not just criticizing. u must keep writing and show me ur poems, because i'll always be able to learn about language from anything u write. u've been through a lot and u're still standing, so never underestimate ur strength. u can take on anything this world might throw at u, and i'm always here to catch u, even if i have to run across the world and leap, arms outstretched. =]
ninjaaah-i could not be less surprised that ur apprenticing with a blacksmith. i'm gonna miss having u there as an example, academically, athletically, making me want to be as good as u. u motivated me more that u know, and i know u can do absolutely anything that u care enough about to devote urself to. it's cliche, but u've proven time and again, with dancing, wrestling, schoolwork, women, that anything u want, u can achieve as long as u give it an honest try. we're going to college, time to forge ur own path, and russ, u can change the world, so reli put ur mind to wat u want to do, and don't just fuck around, because frankly, if u squandered ur talent and drive by doing something meaningless to u, i'd be fucking pissed off. kick some ass man. =]
Saturday, July 18, 2009
sympathy vs. empathy vs. apathy
since my last post was supposed to say empathy every time i wrote sympathy, i thought this would be a good next topic.
i realized that throughout most of highschool, i never really sypathized. i was always either empathetic or apathetic to people. with people i cared about, i always tried to relate to them, understand what they were feeling. it didn't seem to be enough to just recognize that what they were going through sucked. i had to experience it with them so that they weren't so alone in their plights. with people i didn't care about as much, i either didn't know their problems, or i didn't really care because their issues seemed trivial next to what the people i cared about were always going through.
but empathy gets draining, and apathy gets numbing, so we almost need to practice sympathy to keep a healthy distance between caring about others and preserving your own piece of mind.
someone once told me that the man who is completely selfish has no friends, but neither does the man who is completely selfless, and that might be the best advice i've ever been given. empathy can be rare, but it's potent, so if you can, by all means, empathize with people going through shit. but if not, it never hurts to show you care, or sympathize, if that's the correct definition.
"though thought and feeling lie so far apart,
though possibility does make me wince,
i often as if i do have a heart,
this beating in my chest does not convince."
i realized that throughout most of highschool, i never really sypathized. i was always either empathetic or apathetic to people. with people i cared about, i always tried to relate to them, understand what they were feeling. it didn't seem to be enough to just recognize that what they were going through sucked. i had to experience it with them so that they weren't so alone in their plights. with people i didn't care about as much, i either didn't know their problems, or i didn't really care because their issues seemed trivial next to what the people i cared about were always going through.
but empathy gets draining, and apathy gets numbing, so we almost need to practice sympathy to keep a healthy distance between caring about others and preserving your own piece of mind.
someone once told me that the man who is completely selfish has no friends, but neither does the man who is completely selfless, and that might be the best advice i've ever been given. empathy can be rare, but it's potent, so if you can, by all means, empathize with people going through shit. but if not, it never hurts to show you care, or sympathize, if that's the correct definition.
"though thought and feeling lie so far apart,
though possibility does make me wince,
i often as if i do have a heart,
this beating in my chest does not convince."
Friday, July 3, 2009
knowledge
so i'm reading siddhartha, almost done, it's been a nice book to take my time on and reflect whilst reading, thanks russ for the book, and here's some stuff it's made me think about and realize.
because each of our realities is a perception of the world, we can't really KNOW what IS, but we have our impressions and beliefs as to what IS. so no one can really possess knowledge. instead, what we have are beliefs, both weak and strong about what is and what is not.
what defines a belief as weak or strong is evidence and reasoning. like with a theory, however many instances in life that we perceive reflect and support that belief, the stronger or weaker said belief is. like how every time we see a wall withstand force, or hit it with our hand and get hurt, we know it to be hard. each time we see that similar result in the world, we have more and more certainty of our belief.
a reli cool thing about belief/knowledge is how we obtain it. the way i see it, there are two ways we learn, or gather knowledge and beliefs about the world: experience and teaching.
experience is like reading from a primary source, this source being the world as we see it through our perception via our senses. the secondary source of teaching being when someone else or something else (like a book, hint hint) tells us something. experience is much stronger in this respect, because the reality of it is closer to our mind, while teaching is us seeing through someone else's perception something in the world.
when we experience something, like heartbreak, or a bruise, or trauma, we understand it firsthand, much better than when someone tries to describe it. the former is just more vivid in our minds.
when someone tells or teaches us something, it's more difficult. we like proof, or reasons to show that this teaching is true or reliable. if not, we just go along with whatever is told to us without really understanding why it is true. experience gives us a firsthand example of knowledge, like a self-evident truth.
final point of this post, dedicated to mr. fisher, who once asked "but isn't sympathy bs?"
sometimes, yes, it is bs. but when you've legitimately experienced the same scenario (for lack of a better word) that the other person is going/had gone/will go through, you do understand what that person is experiencing. when you have experienced the same thing, or a very similar thing, sympathy becomes much more real and genuine. but if you've never experienced the same thing, then you are farther from understanding the situation of the other person, for the reasons i've stated above.
so it depends, mr. fisher. if you've never experienced what the other person is going through, then yes, you're sympathy is bs. you don't know what they're experiencing, and all you can do is guess how they feel.
but if you have gone through the same or a similar thing as the other person, then your sympathy is not bs. you need a decent understanding of your own feelings to relate and understand someone else's, and a willingness to be there for the other person and seem sincere, but bottom line, your sympathy will be true, because you have been there, and that experience has taught you to understand that situation.
because each of our realities is a perception of the world, we can't really KNOW what IS, but we have our impressions and beliefs as to what IS. so no one can really possess knowledge. instead, what we have are beliefs, both weak and strong about what is and what is not.
what defines a belief as weak or strong is evidence and reasoning. like with a theory, however many instances in life that we perceive reflect and support that belief, the stronger or weaker said belief is. like how every time we see a wall withstand force, or hit it with our hand and get hurt, we know it to be hard. each time we see that similar result in the world, we have more and more certainty of our belief.
a reli cool thing about belief/knowledge is how we obtain it. the way i see it, there are two ways we learn, or gather knowledge and beliefs about the world: experience and teaching.
experience is like reading from a primary source, this source being the world as we see it through our perception via our senses. the secondary source of teaching being when someone else or something else (like a book, hint hint) tells us something. experience is much stronger in this respect, because the reality of it is closer to our mind, while teaching is us seeing through someone else's perception something in the world.
when we experience something, like heartbreak, or a bruise, or trauma, we understand it firsthand, much better than when someone tries to describe it. the former is just more vivid in our minds.
when someone tells or teaches us something, it's more difficult. we like proof, or reasons to show that this teaching is true or reliable. if not, we just go along with whatever is told to us without really understanding why it is true. experience gives us a firsthand example of knowledge, like a self-evident truth.
final point of this post, dedicated to mr. fisher, who once asked "but isn't sympathy bs?"
sometimes, yes, it is bs. but when you've legitimately experienced the same scenario (for lack of a better word) that the other person is going/had gone/will go through, you do understand what that person is experiencing. when you have experienced the same thing, or a very similar thing, sympathy becomes much more real and genuine. but if you've never experienced the same thing, then you are farther from understanding the situation of the other person, for the reasons i've stated above.
so it depends, mr. fisher. if you've never experienced what the other person is going through, then yes, you're sympathy is bs. you don't know what they're experiencing, and all you can do is guess how they feel.
but if you have gone through the same or a similar thing as the other person, then your sympathy is not bs. you need a decent understanding of your own feelings to relate and understand someone else's, and a willingness to be there for the other person and seem sincere, but bottom line, your sympathy will be true, because you have been there, and that experience has taught you to understand that situation.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
mood rings
"let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings."
this sounds like a good idea, but there's no guarantee that the mood ring color would stay the same, or clear, or that the girl would let you see her mood ring. sometimes girls want to be figured out, or they don't want to be figured out, to be paid attention to and have time devoted to helping them, like playing hard to get with their emotions. and a mood ring is a short cut around what they might want, which would probably turn it red anyway.
i'm not a girl, so i could be wrong, but i do know that sometimes, there's just no winning with girls and their emotions. =/
this sounds like a good idea, but there's no guarantee that the mood ring color would stay the same, or clear, or that the girl would let you see her mood ring. sometimes girls want to be figured out, or they don't want to be figured out, to be paid attention to and have time devoted to helping them, like playing hard to get with their emotions. and a mood ring is a short cut around what they might want, which would probably turn it red anyway.
i'm not a girl, so i could be wrong, but i do know that sometimes, there's just no winning with girls and their emotions. =/
Monday, May 25, 2009
hmm
so russ gave me the book "siddhartha" (spelling fail?) and i reli like it so far. there's a lot of thought, a lot of questioning, a lot of enjoying nature (which i love) and a lot of enlightenment.
one thing the book talks about a lot is the "Self", and how in enlightenment, the personal "Self" is one with the universal "Self", Atman. it seems like Siddhartha is most at one with Atman, or most at peace when he's admiring nature like a child, innocently, without looking for something beneath.
Siddhartha meets Gotama, a Buddha, one who has achieved enlightenment, during the book, and he talks with him, learns from him, knows his enlightenment to be real, and strives to be like him, still, unimitating, unseeking. not to compare myself to a Buddha, obviously, but today i was at jessy's with kg, celi, gen, and juliet, and we were eating out in her backyard, and it was a beautiful day and the sun was shining and lighting up the trees, and the food was delicious and the music was regina spektor and i loved everyone there, and it was just bliss, and i wanted nothing more, except maybe for gen to be a little happier.
it's times like that when i feel like we as humans are all at our best. not running, not necessarily stagnant, not yearning, not worrying, just enjoying the moment, appreciating life and the present. unbothered by the past, unwary of the future, content and still in the moment. i love that feeling, and nature is like my medium for it. i would never say i am enlightened or anything like a buddha, but i can see why Siddhartha sees such solace in nature, such admiration for stillness.
one thing the book talks about a lot is the "Self", and how in enlightenment, the personal "Self" is one with the universal "Self", Atman. it seems like Siddhartha is most at one with Atman, or most at peace when he's admiring nature like a child, innocently, without looking for something beneath.
Siddhartha meets Gotama, a Buddha, one who has achieved enlightenment, during the book, and he talks with him, learns from him, knows his enlightenment to be real, and strives to be like him, still, unimitating, unseeking. not to compare myself to a Buddha, obviously, but today i was at jessy's with kg, celi, gen, and juliet, and we were eating out in her backyard, and it was a beautiful day and the sun was shining and lighting up the trees, and the food was delicious and the music was regina spektor and i loved everyone there, and it was just bliss, and i wanted nothing more, except maybe for gen to be a little happier.
it's times like that when i feel like we as humans are all at our best. not running, not necessarily stagnant, not yearning, not worrying, just enjoying the moment, appreciating life and the present. unbothered by the past, unwary of the future, content and still in the moment. i love that feeling, and nature is like my medium for it. i would never say i am enlightened or anything like a buddha, but i can see why Siddhartha sees such solace in nature, such admiration for stillness.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
bros
eugene: i'm happy for u and julia. i heard the poem u wrote for her and it sounds like u're really happy about it. i'll admit, i was surprised when i first heard about u 2, but seeing the look in her eyes that night in astor place when she told me she was waiting for u made me think that this could really be something beautiful. suerte y amor, chico.
dillon: u know i'm sorry about what happened, but i think this will help u start looking after yourself more. i won't elaborate because i know this is somewhat public, but u know i'm here for u, and just know it's not the end of the world, or love, by any means.
russ: last night was nice. idk, u sorta looked out of ur element at times, but it was nice having u there and playing wii with u. i feel like we drifted this year, and i know it was cuz i was jealous of u and jessy getting so close over the summer, telling each other everything and relying on each other. i just felt like a third wheel and that we couldn't really connect cuz u wouldn't tell me wat was going on half the time. but i know now that it's how u operate, and that it doesn't mean we can't still be close. i missed u man. here's to more good times b4 college.
andrew heinrich: what happened.
dillon: u know i'm sorry about what happened, but i think this will help u start looking after yourself more. i won't elaborate because i know this is somewhat public, but u know i'm here for u, and just know it's not the end of the world, or love, by any means.
russ: last night was nice. idk, u sorta looked out of ur element at times, but it was nice having u there and playing wii with u. i feel like we drifted this year, and i know it was cuz i was jealous of u and jessy getting so close over the summer, telling each other everything and relying on each other. i just felt like a third wheel and that we couldn't really connect cuz u wouldn't tell me wat was going on half the time. but i know now that it's how u operate, and that it doesn't mean we can't still be close. i missed u man. here's to more good times b4 college.
andrew heinrich: what happened.
irreverent
"due to a few bumps in the road"
"so, besides people jumping out of buildings, how's dalton?"
i just wish ppl were a little more sensitive, respectful, tactful about things like this. just a little.
"so, besides people jumping out of buildings, how's dalton?"
i just wish ppl were a little more sensitive, respectful, tactful about things like this. just a little.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
meaning
disclaimer: you may find this post pretentious of me, but watever.
so, today was good, 3 labs, did some work, some kenken, didnt play much gameboy.
oh, and i discovered the meaning of life. this time for real, cuz TdeZ verified and discussed it with me. it's not happiness, it's not love, cuz the meaning of life is bigger than human desire. it's about how every living thing is designed to continue living and procreate, continuing its species. it's about how every living thing is naturally equipped to survive and keep living as a primary function.
even amoeba, single-celled creatures, separate and duplicate, survive and procreate by instinct. evolution itself was a species' reaction to its environment, changing to stay alive in a setting that wouldn't change to suit its needs. even after thousands of years of society and millions of years of evolution, humans still seek food, fear death, and long to procreate.
life is the opposite of death by definition. by this, its meaning lies in its opposition of death. living things are constantly striving to stay alive, to stave off death and continue life.
in short, life's meaning is survival and procreation. life is designed to continue itself. initially, this made me really anxious, making me think that the only reason we're here is to not die, and to continue our species. but TdeZ helped me realize that the beauty of life is that its self-preservation is in its nature. everything, from flowers to animals to humans have a need, an instinct to stay alive, even if they're not aware of it.
but don't think that our lives have no meaning besides surviving, because i still think that human life has a different purpose besides surviving, because there's so much that humans do that is neither to survive nor to procreate. but that's a more question for another day.
and i know it's an intense question i just tried to answer, and feel free to doubt me, but that answer works for me. i know what i felt and i trust TdeZ. make of it what you will, but this is what i believe.
so, today was good, 3 labs, did some work, some kenken, didnt play much gameboy.
oh, and i discovered the meaning of life. this time for real, cuz TdeZ verified and discussed it with me. it's not happiness, it's not love, cuz the meaning of life is bigger than human desire. it's about how every living thing is designed to continue living and procreate, continuing its species. it's about how every living thing is naturally equipped to survive and keep living as a primary function.
even amoeba, single-celled creatures, separate and duplicate, survive and procreate by instinct. evolution itself was a species' reaction to its environment, changing to stay alive in a setting that wouldn't change to suit its needs. even after thousands of years of society and millions of years of evolution, humans still seek food, fear death, and long to procreate.
life is the opposite of death by definition. by this, its meaning lies in its opposition of death. living things are constantly striving to stay alive, to stave off death and continue life.
in short, life's meaning is survival and procreation. life is designed to continue itself. initially, this made me really anxious, making me think that the only reason we're here is to not die, and to continue our species. but TdeZ helped me realize that the beauty of life is that its self-preservation is in its nature. everything, from flowers to animals to humans have a need, an instinct to stay alive, even if they're not aware of it.
but don't think that our lives have no meaning besides surviving, because i still think that human life has a different purpose besides surviving, because there's so much that humans do that is neither to survive nor to procreate. but that's a more question for another day.
and i know it's an intense question i just tried to answer, and feel free to doubt me, but that answer works for me. i know what i felt and i trust TdeZ. make of it what you will, but this is what i believe.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
reflection
sometimes u catch a glimpse of urself in someone else, and ur so suprised by what you see, you just can't reconcile with it.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
music
so i was at a seder against my will the other night, and it was admittedly not as bad as i thought. i hadn't seen these ppl in literally 10 years, and i never looked forward to seeing them in the past. anyway, food was pretty good, the adults were reli nice if a tad loud, but 2 of the girls were boy obsessed and sounded kinda slutty from how they were telling stories. the girl who's house it was was fine though. sweet, courteous, a friends fan.
but eventually i got sick of the boy talk and went out to the adults to play some piano. and it saved me from awkwardness the rest of the night. i played wat i've been working on of clair de lune, and i worked my way through moonlight sonata for the first time in weeks. then i played the song i wrote, and some oldies and newies that i'd picked out by ear before.
but to the point of the post, i know i can do quite a few things decently, dance, sing, write poetry, but music's by far the thing i'm most confident about. i'm always second guessing myself at my dancing and singing ability, and i feel like i'm missing something in my poetry, but music is something i KNOW i'm beast at. i get writer's block at times, i can never think of original movements to do in dance, and even the stuff i'm taught i feel like i look awkward doing half the time, and i feel like my voice is good for certain songs, but at the end of the day, i know i can sit down at the piano and go up and down those keys with total comfort.
for the moves i can't do, the ideas i can't convey in words, and the notes i can't hit with my voice, piano is something that never fully limits me. just as all 88 keys are laid out before me, so are the infinite possibilities of melodies and harmonies. when i write a poem, i like for it to have some meaning or point, and i often have trouble sticking to that point or even finding it, but with piano, it's all self-explanatory. the music flows through me and is colored by my mood. no language but the notes themselves, no prose but the rhythm and tempo i choose, no rhyme but the harmonies coming from the instrument.
for some reason, it comes easier for me to be original in music than anything else. i don't necesasrily have to have a subject in mind when i play, i don't need a plan or a structure. i can just start somewhere and see where my ear takes me, i can travel to different octaves and repeat as i see fit, fiddle with rhythm and key independently and together to emphasize. i know poetry, dance, and singing have multiple dimensions like music, but with the piano, it's like i know every interval, every touch, every tone, and i have control over every one, every dimension ready to bend at my command. but it's not even a power thing, it's like symbiosis. the music uses me to escape the instrument and resonate, and i use the music like meditation, calming, pensive, renewing.
but eventually i got sick of the boy talk and went out to the adults to play some piano. and it saved me from awkwardness the rest of the night. i played wat i've been working on of clair de lune, and i worked my way through moonlight sonata for the first time in weeks. then i played the song i wrote, and some oldies and newies that i'd picked out by ear before.
but to the point of the post, i know i can do quite a few things decently, dance, sing, write poetry, but music's by far the thing i'm most confident about. i'm always second guessing myself at my dancing and singing ability, and i feel like i'm missing something in my poetry, but music is something i KNOW i'm beast at. i get writer's block at times, i can never think of original movements to do in dance, and even the stuff i'm taught i feel like i look awkward doing half the time, and i feel like my voice is good for certain songs, but at the end of the day, i know i can sit down at the piano and go up and down those keys with total comfort.
for the moves i can't do, the ideas i can't convey in words, and the notes i can't hit with my voice, piano is something that never fully limits me. just as all 88 keys are laid out before me, so are the infinite possibilities of melodies and harmonies. when i write a poem, i like for it to have some meaning or point, and i often have trouble sticking to that point or even finding it, but with piano, it's all self-explanatory. the music flows through me and is colored by my mood. no language but the notes themselves, no prose but the rhythm and tempo i choose, no rhyme but the harmonies coming from the instrument.
for some reason, it comes easier for me to be original in music than anything else. i don't necesasrily have to have a subject in mind when i play, i don't need a plan or a structure. i can just start somewhere and see where my ear takes me, i can travel to different octaves and repeat as i see fit, fiddle with rhythm and key independently and together to emphasize. i know poetry, dance, and singing have multiple dimensions like music, but with the piano, it's like i know every interval, every touch, every tone, and i have control over every one, every dimension ready to bend at my command. but it's not even a power thing, it's like symbiosis. the music uses me to escape the instrument and resonate, and i use the music like meditation, calming, pensive, renewing.
Friday, March 27, 2009
real talk
tolu always inspires me to do real talk, and since i have a spare moment, here.
jess: i'm so happy for you with all your college acceptances. i'm so proud, even though i always knew you'd dazzle colleges. i told you so =]
i don't know what's going on with fred, but when you feel like talking about it, give me a call, ok? i'm reading and it sounds heavy.
russ: look, i love you like a brother, but dude, like i said at celena's, if you want these girl problems to stop, change what you're doing. i'm not saying you have to become like me, and be best friends with a bunch of girls or whatever you think would be better, but stop hooking up in situations where ppl like you, cuz drama will go down. just cuz u can get all the girls you want, doesn't mean you should. no one's forcing you to do it, so if things go sour, just remember it was your decision and own up to that. ok?
tolu: t, you are real, kind, sweet, a good friend, and above all, talented. if guys don't like you because of your personality, u deserve better anyway. and you are clearly an amazing dancer, so if i hear you doubting yourself again, i may have to smack some sense into you, k?
fred: look, i don't know what's going on, i know i haven't talked to you in a while, but in some way clear stuff up with jessy. you are her world and i know you know that. if for no other reason, make that responsibility the spur that makes you do whatever you have to to set things straight with her.
gen: i'm really glad to see you, and i can tell that maine coast has made you happy. you love the ppl, you've made great friends, you seem happier, slightly calmer but not too much, and you're glowing with a new energy. we missed u a lot girl, but i guess it was worth it to see how happy this has made u. don't leave again tho, k? we love you. and...just like this is the beginning of our lives, this is just the tip of the iceberg in the ppl we'll know, so don't think the majority of ppl suck just cuz of this upper east side petri dish school we go to. keep exploring the world, and i know you'll like what you see.
that's good for now, see you guys in a few days.
jess: i'm so happy for you with all your college acceptances. i'm so proud, even though i always knew you'd dazzle colleges. i told you so =]
i don't know what's going on with fred, but when you feel like talking about it, give me a call, ok? i'm reading and it sounds heavy.
russ: look, i love you like a brother, but dude, like i said at celena's, if you want these girl problems to stop, change what you're doing. i'm not saying you have to become like me, and be best friends with a bunch of girls or whatever you think would be better, but stop hooking up in situations where ppl like you, cuz drama will go down. just cuz u can get all the girls you want, doesn't mean you should. no one's forcing you to do it, so if things go sour, just remember it was your decision and own up to that. ok?
tolu: t, you are real, kind, sweet, a good friend, and above all, talented. if guys don't like you because of your personality, u deserve better anyway. and you are clearly an amazing dancer, so if i hear you doubting yourself again, i may have to smack some sense into you, k?
fred: look, i don't know what's going on, i know i haven't talked to you in a while, but in some way clear stuff up with jessy. you are her world and i know you know that. if for no other reason, make that responsibility the spur that makes you do whatever you have to to set things straight with her.
gen: i'm really glad to see you, and i can tell that maine coast has made you happy. you love the ppl, you've made great friends, you seem happier, slightly calmer but not too much, and you're glowing with a new energy. we missed u a lot girl, but i guess it was worth it to see how happy this has made u. don't leave again tho, k? we love you. and...just like this is the beginning of our lives, this is just the tip of the iceberg in the ppl we'll know, so don't think the majority of ppl suck just cuz of this upper east side petri dish school we go to. keep exploring the world, and i know you'll like what you see.
that's good for now, see you guys in a few days.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
beauty
so in spain, a few of us talked about beauty and established some good stuff. everything has some beauty in it, meaning not only that there's someone, somewhere who will find beauty in some given thing, but that beauty is inherent in things. objects, people, everything has some shimmer of beauty. how much beauty we each see in it becomes a more subjective matter, but beauty exists in things, not in our perceptions.
also, i was thinking about kinds of beauty that different ppl prefer. like it seems to me like jessy likes wild, unconventional, "c'est la vie" kinds of beauty. not to say she doesn't enjoy calm sights like a mountain or a lake, but she prefers the kinds of beauty in things that make her heart dance. i, on the other hand, like to think that i like more calm beauty, like clouds, or a night sky, or sunlight muted by leaves. still, the idea of things like meteor showers and swirling nebulas out in space also strike me. but still, i guess i express my joy in a calmer way than someone like jessy might.
continuing on, (and this is just my opinion, feel free to dispute ppl who i refer to) i feel like russell's preference for beauty is more...structural? i feel like he could find a well built machine or the inner workings of something beautiful in how everything fits, how everything works together. idk. to me, this preference is even more calm than mine. juliet, on the other hand, i believe falls in between me and jessy. cuz she can appreciate clouds like i can, but you'd be hard pressed to see her listening to music without dancing to it. jessy may not dance as much, but you can see her zest for something in her writing about it.
all this, i believe links to our personalities. jessy's very dynamic, tends to feel extremes, while russell is more muted or subdued, and juliet and i fall near the middle, me more calm, her more dynamic. ok, enough for now. night nyc, i missed you. =P
(and of course, you, cookie pants =])
also, i was thinking about kinds of beauty that different ppl prefer. like it seems to me like jessy likes wild, unconventional, "c'est la vie" kinds of beauty. not to say she doesn't enjoy calm sights like a mountain or a lake, but she prefers the kinds of beauty in things that make her heart dance. i, on the other hand, like to think that i like more calm beauty, like clouds, or a night sky, or sunlight muted by leaves. still, the idea of things like meteor showers and swirling nebulas out in space also strike me. but still, i guess i express my joy in a calmer way than someone like jessy might.
continuing on, (and this is just my opinion, feel free to dispute ppl who i refer to) i feel like russell's preference for beauty is more...structural? i feel like he could find a well built machine or the inner workings of something beautiful in how everything fits, how everything works together. idk. to me, this preference is even more calm than mine. juliet, on the other hand, i believe falls in between me and jessy. cuz she can appreciate clouds like i can, but you'd be hard pressed to see her listening to music without dancing to it. jessy may not dance as much, but you can see her zest for something in her writing about it.
all this, i believe links to our personalities. jessy's very dynamic, tends to feel extremes, while russell is more muted or subdued, and juliet and i fall near the middle, me more calm, her more dynamic. ok, enough for now. night nyc, i missed you. =P
(and of course, you, cookie pants =])
Sunday, March 8, 2009
star-crossed love?
so i was thinking...this isn't a scientific theory or anything by any means.
we learned in astronomy that the way galaxies move is more or less random. although the universe is expanding, and galaxies lie light years upon light years away from one another, some galaxies are slowly moving towards each other. in addition, when some galaxies collide, they don't explode, but they simply mesh together and blend. i can't possibly think of a more beautiful way the universe can interact.
so anyway, how cool would it be if these galaxies wandered and swirled and collided into each other not necessarily because of gravity, but because of love? or rather, what if the gravitational forces between galaxies in space was equivalent to the love and attractive force between living things?
think of it. billions of stars, billions of planets, all swirling around a center of gravity, somehow sensing or feeling a similar celestial structure, and feeling irresistibly drawn to each other. moving slowly over millions of years, swirling in the same direction (because they have to be in order to collide meshingly), aching to reach the other. what if entire galaxies felt like humans did? what if everything in the universe was moving, yearning toward something else in the universe, just wishing to collide and connect with something similar, traveling unimaginable distances just to reach the object of their attraction.
i know plenty of u will call this post 'expected', but screw it. gravity is the force of love between celestial bodies. there, i said it. =P
we learned in astronomy that the way galaxies move is more or less random. although the universe is expanding, and galaxies lie light years upon light years away from one another, some galaxies are slowly moving towards each other. in addition, when some galaxies collide, they don't explode, but they simply mesh together and blend. i can't possibly think of a more beautiful way the universe can interact.
so anyway, how cool would it be if these galaxies wandered and swirled and collided into each other not necessarily because of gravity, but because of love? or rather, what if the gravitational forces between galaxies in space was equivalent to the love and attractive force between living things?
think of it. billions of stars, billions of planets, all swirling around a center of gravity, somehow sensing or feeling a similar celestial structure, and feeling irresistibly drawn to each other. moving slowly over millions of years, swirling in the same direction (because they have to be in order to collide meshingly), aching to reach the other. what if entire galaxies felt like humans did? what if everything in the universe was moving, yearning toward something else in the universe, just wishing to collide and connect with something similar, traveling unimaginable distances just to reach the object of their attraction.
i know plenty of u will call this post 'expected', but screw it. gravity is the force of love between celestial bodies. there, i said it. =P
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
helpless
what do you do when you can't help the ones you care about most?
you can give as many hugs as you want, say "shh, there there, it's ok" as many times as you want, you can give all the kisses and comforting touches you want, but i mean, if it doesn't help, what's left to do?
when you can't save your friend from her mind cuz she doesn't want to go back in, or you can't convince your girlfriend that she is good enough because "i love you" just becomes irrelevant.
how do u tell your friend not to look at the past like scars or times she's been beaten, but reminders of what she dealt with and came out of still standing. how do you tell her that just the fact that she still can interact with people, and more over, still has faith in humanity, is a testament to her strength after the shit she's experienced.
how do u tell your girlfriend that she's good enough when you yourself are blinded by how much you love her. that when you see her dance, who cares about anyone else, she glows. fine, maybe she's not the best bball player or the best dancer, and maybe history's giving her a hard time, but who cares? u never know where you'll be in 10-15 years, she may not even be remotely interested in bball or dancing as a career, and she doesn't even have to take history next year, and maybe never again. for now, all that should matter is that she enjoys what she does, which i know for a fact she does, and no dickwad coaches or stupid choreographers can change that.
khalil said something today, that we've only lived about 1/4, 1/5 of our lives. shit's just getting started, we literally have our whole lives ahead of us. don't let this temporary stuff get you so down now, time changes all things and heals all wounds. the future can always be bright if you believe it will be, and the present only lasts so long. i love you both, and i hate seeing you upset. just keep your heads up looking to the sky and above whatever shit is bothering you.
you can give as many hugs as you want, say "shh, there there, it's ok" as many times as you want, you can give all the kisses and comforting touches you want, but i mean, if it doesn't help, what's left to do?
when you can't save your friend from her mind cuz she doesn't want to go back in, or you can't convince your girlfriend that she is good enough because "i love you" just becomes irrelevant.
how do u tell your friend not to look at the past like scars or times she's been beaten, but reminders of what she dealt with and came out of still standing. how do you tell her that just the fact that she still can interact with people, and more over, still has faith in humanity, is a testament to her strength after the shit she's experienced.
how do u tell your girlfriend that she's good enough when you yourself are blinded by how much you love her. that when you see her dance, who cares about anyone else, she glows. fine, maybe she's not the best bball player or the best dancer, and maybe history's giving her a hard time, but who cares? u never know where you'll be in 10-15 years, she may not even be remotely interested in bball or dancing as a career, and she doesn't even have to take history next year, and maybe never again. for now, all that should matter is that she enjoys what she does, which i know for a fact she does, and no dickwad coaches or stupid choreographers can change that.
khalil said something today, that we've only lived about 1/4, 1/5 of our lives. shit's just getting started, we literally have our whole lives ahead of us. don't let this temporary stuff get you so down now, time changes all things and heals all wounds. the future can always be bright if you believe it will be, and the present only lasts so long. i love you both, and i hate seeing you upset. just keep your heads up looking to the sky and above whatever shit is bothering you.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
philosophy
so i wanted to try making my own ontological philosophy, and i'm starting with beauty.
plato said that beauty is in everything, and we merely perceive it in things with our senses. hume said that beauty is in our perception of things, and said nothing about it actually existing in the outside world.
i believe that beauty exists in everything, probably to varying degrees, but we all have a different, yet present, capacity to see beauty. some people see a sunset and see something breathtaking, while others only see a decent sight. but they can't both just be imagining similar beauty. so we may not know just how much beauty is really present in something, but we all perceive different amounts or different aspects of that same present beauty.
beauty can't just be in our heads, because when we're feeling like shit, things can still seem beautiful, and when we're ecstatic, things can seem ugly. this means that our moods don't effect the beauty that we see, but the beauty that we see can affect our mood, like a sunrise making us happy and hopeful, or rain causing melancholy. thus, beauty is independent of mood and our minds, so beauty IS imminent (inherent in) objects and things in the world.
feel free to comment.
plato said that beauty is in everything, and we merely perceive it in things with our senses. hume said that beauty is in our perception of things, and said nothing about it actually existing in the outside world.
i believe that beauty exists in everything, probably to varying degrees, but we all have a different, yet present, capacity to see beauty. some people see a sunset and see something breathtaking, while others only see a decent sight. but they can't both just be imagining similar beauty. so we may not know just how much beauty is really present in something, but we all perceive different amounts or different aspects of that same present beauty.
beauty can't just be in our heads, because when we're feeling like shit, things can still seem beautiful, and when we're ecstatic, things can seem ugly. this means that our moods don't effect the beauty that we see, but the beauty that we see can affect our mood, like a sunrise making us happy and hopeful, or rain causing melancholy. thus, beauty is independent of mood and our minds, so beauty IS imminent (inherent in) objects and things in the world.
feel free to comment.
teddy
i haven't written anything about you yet, and i think if i do it'll give me some final closure. i hadn't seen u in about a week the day it happened, the day you jumped. i remember thinking that that morning the clouds were so beautiful, but so far away, and that it was a shame i was stuck on the ground.
i was in math when it happened, and we were in a test, so it was quiet. we heard a huge boom, like a truck backfiring or something, and people screaming. we'd heard the kids earlier, so we thought it was just playstreet as usual, but it sounded more panicked, somehow. alex shaheen got annoyed in his bitchy ass way, saying "ugh, wat an inconvenient time" or something to that effect. quite frankly i hope he feels guilty for that. benji heard the boom and joked, "whoa, someone just got gatted." i had a bad feeling, so i didnt say anything. for the next 45 minutes, we tried to focus on our tests, as we were told to stay away from windows and heard an awful scream from outside, which i now know was teddy's mom.
we finished, and benji went over to a window to see wat was happening. i was nervous, but i went over too. then i saw you. or at least part of you teddy. i didnt know it was you, i just saw jeans, a white leg, a shoe a few feet to the left of you, a tarp over your body, and a pool of blood. the first thing i thought was that if they covered up the body, and there was that much blood, whoever it was, there's no way they were still alive. i couldnt look away for a minute or two, and i remember someone saying to someone in the class as i went to the window to stop looking, in case we got traumatized for life. sigh. i wont be traumatized for life, but it's just ironic how everything happened.
i wish i'd known u better teddy. i tried to be friendly with u without being dishonest, but still u rarely made eye contact with me and we rarely talked. to be honest, i thought u had a sort of menace about u initially, how at homecoming last year u sort of stalked out, shoulders stooped, when the rest of the football team had run out. seeing how u acted with jessy, i was a little wary, but i am of most guys with my female friends. i never knew how brilliant u were firsthand, but it seems undeniable seeing how much it seems to be general consensus. i keep replaying what may have happened in the dance studio over and over in my head, wondering if i was there, what might i have tried to do, if i'd seen u earlier that day, how would i have showed kindness to u if i knew wat u might do later, and i keep regretting how much pain u mustve felt to resort to suicide.
im sorry dalton couldnt make u feel more welcome in this life, if that's what you needed, but wherever you are, if you can look after ur brother, please do, because he misses you dearly. and know that you are in our thoughts now, and for a long time to come. i can't tell u how many times i've had to console someone, but i can tell you that i've barely had time to come to grips with everything myself. i broke down in juliet's arms because i'm so used to comforting others, but i guess this was just too much. i hope ur happier now teddy, and if anything, thank you for making our lives a little more hug-filled, and for showing us that someone will always be affected if we die.
RIP teddy.
i was in math when it happened, and we were in a test, so it was quiet. we heard a huge boom, like a truck backfiring or something, and people screaming. we'd heard the kids earlier, so we thought it was just playstreet as usual, but it sounded more panicked, somehow. alex shaheen got annoyed in his bitchy ass way, saying "ugh, wat an inconvenient time" or something to that effect. quite frankly i hope he feels guilty for that. benji heard the boom and joked, "whoa, someone just got gatted." i had a bad feeling, so i didnt say anything. for the next 45 minutes, we tried to focus on our tests, as we were told to stay away from windows and heard an awful scream from outside, which i now know was teddy's mom.
we finished, and benji went over to a window to see wat was happening. i was nervous, but i went over too. then i saw you. or at least part of you teddy. i didnt know it was you, i just saw jeans, a white leg, a shoe a few feet to the left of you, a tarp over your body, and a pool of blood. the first thing i thought was that if they covered up the body, and there was that much blood, whoever it was, there's no way they were still alive. i couldnt look away for a minute or two, and i remember someone saying to someone in the class as i went to the window to stop looking, in case we got traumatized for life. sigh. i wont be traumatized for life, but it's just ironic how everything happened.
i wish i'd known u better teddy. i tried to be friendly with u without being dishonest, but still u rarely made eye contact with me and we rarely talked. to be honest, i thought u had a sort of menace about u initially, how at homecoming last year u sort of stalked out, shoulders stooped, when the rest of the football team had run out. seeing how u acted with jessy, i was a little wary, but i am of most guys with my female friends. i never knew how brilliant u were firsthand, but it seems undeniable seeing how much it seems to be general consensus. i keep replaying what may have happened in the dance studio over and over in my head, wondering if i was there, what might i have tried to do, if i'd seen u earlier that day, how would i have showed kindness to u if i knew wat u might do later, and i keep regretting how much pain u mustve felt to resort to suicide.
im sorry dalton couldnt make u feel more welcome in this life, if that's what you needed, but wherever you are, if you can look after ur brother, please do, because he misses you dearly. and know that you are in our thoughts now, and for a long time to come. i can't tell u how many times i've had to console someone, but i can tell you that i've barely had time to come to grips with everything myself. i broke down in juliet's arms because i'm so used to comforting others, but i guess this was just too much. i hope ur happier now teddy, and if anything, thank you for making our lives a little more hug-filled, and for showing us that someone will always be affected if we die.
RIP teddy.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
truf
ok, tolu inspired me to tell some trufs (truths) to you lovely people. idk what im keeping off the top of my head, but we'll figure out now, won't we.
russ: u were right on ur blog, things r going great for u, the mayor's medal thing, rpi, mara maybe coming, i'm really happy for u man. but frankly, stay positive, cuz at times u let urself get too down on yourself for less than crucial things. don't sweat the small stuff, shit happens, and don't forget the monkey rope analogy from moby dick. when you fall into depression, u pull us down somewhat too. such is friendship. =]
jess: i'm proud of you for what you sent me, and for your trying to start focusing more on what's good for u. i look forward to future convos about happiness and your infinite amount of labs. take dozens of picture and WRITE MORE POEMS dammit. you have a gift for writing, photography, conversation, and contemplation. if you can't convince yourself of your worth, just trust ur friends on this, cuz we love u for you, the you that we see, not wat u pretend to be, the smile you put on for the rest of the world. we won't be fooled so easily. oh, also, stay out of trouble. 'nuff said. =]
gen: I MISS YOU SO MUCH! i hear you're having a lot of fun at maine coast tho, so i'm happy for you. still, i miss u being on the 3rd floor for house, and your hugs and calling me jakey or jakers. i hope ur meeting amazing ppl who love you as much as we do, cuz if they care for u any less, u may as well get ur fun ass back here now. stop thinking your silly/crazyness is a bad thing. we love you for it, not because it makes u weird to us, but because you embrace it so fully and freely, and we love that spirit you posess, and if you don't, you should too. =]
tolu: i wanna call u madam T more often, cuz u r like a big mama, but that's not dignified enough. you're a lady, courteous, honest, nice, you don't take bullshit, and you respect yourself, unlike FAR too many girls at our school. =P ur writing and ur dancing is PHENOMENAL. never think anything less of yourself. ur most fun when you're not thinking about what ppl will think of what your about to do. if i or someone close to u ever stares at a time like that, its because we like to see u free and un-self-conscious. so basically, dance like no one's watching, and when we are watching, keep dancing. and write and read ur poems more. ppl should hear what you have to say! =]
juliet: i don't want this to be too mushy, but it's hard for me to say anything bad about u. i love you, u clearly know that, but i wish you saw all the incredibleness in you that i see. i know it's really hard to do that, to love yourself as much as someone else does, but i like to think i'm helping u. ur dancing today was hypnotizing, each movement was so smooth, with just enough pop, and your body flowed like ribbons through the air. never stop having a shit about u, don't let my pokes etc stop u from singing, cuz really i love seeing u so happy and free, and i could look into ur eyes forever. err, i guess i dont reli have any criticism, just keep caring less about how ur hair looks, and how ur dance moves may look, everything, cuz ur great at everything u do. trust me. =]
no matter what i said to all of you, i love you all, and that's the biggest truf of all. =]
russ: u were right on ur blog, things r going great for u, the mayor's medal thing, rpi, mara maybe coming, i'm really happy for u man. but frankly, stay positive, cuz at times u let urself get too down on yourself for less than crucial things. don't sweat the small stuff, shit happens, and don't forget the monkey rope analogy from moby dick. when you fall into depression, u pull us down somewhat too. such is friendship. =]
jess: i'm proud of you for what you sent me, and for your trying to start focusing more on what's good for u. i look forward to future convos about happiness and your infinite amount of labs. take dozens of picture and WRITE MORE POEMS dammit. you have a gift for writing, photography, conversation, and contemplation. if you can't convince yourself of your worth, just trust ur friends on this, cuz we love u for you, the you that we see, not wat u pretend to be, the smile you put on for the rest of the world. we won't be fooled so easily. oh, also, stay out of trouble. 'nuff said. =]
gen: I MISS YOU SO MUCH! i hear you're having a lot of fun at maine coast tho, so i'm happy for you. still, i miss u being on the 3rd floor for house, and your hugs and calling me jakey or jakers. i hope ur meeting amazing ppl who love you as much as we do, cuz if they care for u any less, u may as well get ur fun ass back here now. stop thinking your silly/crazyness is a bad thing. we love you for it, not because it makes u weird to us, but because you embrace it so fully and freely, and we love that spirit you posess, and if you don't, you should too. =]
tolu: i wanna call u madam T more often, cuz u r like a big mama, but that's not dignified enough. you're a lady, courteous, honest, nice, you don't take bullshit, and you respect yourself, unlike FAR too many girls at our school. =P ur writing and ur dancing is PHENOMENAL. never think anything less of yourself. ur most fun when you're not thinking about what ppl will think of what your about to do. if i or someone close to u ever stares at a time like that, its because we like to see u free and un-self-conscious. so basically, dance like no one's watching, and when we are watching, keep dancing. and write and read ur poems more. ppl should hear what you have to say! =]
juliet: i don't want this to be too mushy, but it's hard for me to say anything bad about u. i love you, u clearly know that, but i wish you saw all the incredibleness in you that i see. i know it's really hard to do that, to love yourself as much as someone else does, but i like to think i'm helping u. ur dancing today was hypnotizing, each movement was so smooth, with just enough pop, and your body flowed like ribbons through the air. never stop having a shit about u, don't let my pokes etc stop u from singing, cuz really i love seeing u so happy and free, and i could look into ur eyes forever. err, i guess i dont reli have any criticism, just keep caring less about how ur hair looks, and how ur dance moves may look, everything, cuz ur great at everything u do. trust me. =]
no matter what i said to all of you, i love you all, and that's the biggest truf of all. =]
Thursday, January 29, 2009
wander
we wander,
we wonder,
we ponder,
we plunder,
we flounder,
we thunder,
we win,
and we blunder.
we search,
we imagine,
woo princesses,
fight dragons,
we fall without wanting,
we risk in our flaunting,
we hurt and we learn,
build bridges and burn.
but we shouldn't lose hope,
just widen the scope,
don't look for "the one",
nor from your love run.
pain is the process,
love is the progress,
fear is the squalor,
risk is the valor.
peace cannot be without conflict,
and we cannot be fulfilled without emptiness.
we wonder,
we ponder,
we plunder,
we flounder,
we thunder,
we win,
and we blunder.
we search,
we imagine,
woo princesses,
fight dragons,
we fall without wanting,
we risk in our flaunting,
we hurt and we learn,
build bridges and burn.
but we shouldn't lose hope,
just widen the scope,
don't look for "the one",
nor from your love run.
pain is the process,
love is the progress,
fear is the squalor,
risk is the valor.
peace cannot be without conflict,
and we cannot be fulfilled without emptiness.
spirituality
so today in philosophy we got a bit into religious stuffs, and i had a little trouble at first articulating my beliefs. i guess cause i felt on the spot all of a sudden, and it's something personal and not totally concrete for me, so i said "i'm still figuring it out", which i am, but i guess fleshing it out on cyber paper could help foster some clarity.
so here goes, sorry if i offend anyone, honestly:
idk if i believe in any sort of religion-established god. idk if i buy that someone or something is always looking out for us and answers our prayers. there's so much suffering and unfairness in the world, that either that divinity must have some prejudices or preferences, which is hardly transcendent of humanity and admirable, or they simply don't listen to or hear everyone, which is understandable, but then...how all powerful or all seeing is this "god" anyhow?
as for what i do believe, or what i like to believe, i believe that there is a spirit of divinity, perhaps not a conscious one, that exists in nature. every tree, every cloud, every sunrise and set, every squirrel, every leaf, every insect, every person. each possesses some spark of transcendent beauty that u just need to look for to properly see. like how sunlight brings such unbelievable beauty to a cloudy day, or a simple breeze can make a free leaf dance through the air more gracefully than any conscious animal controlling its movement. there's just so much beauty in the world everywhere. even giant new york skyscrapers allowed me to see the reflection of today's beautiful sunrise on the bus ride to school 2day.
i think that this smattering, ever present beauty is no accident. this beauty is everywhere, and makes sense, showing a sort of intelligence. like how leaves are constructed light enough to be able to dance in the breeze, or clouds are just light enough to let light filter through beautifully, or how on rare occasions, when a tree covered in water freezes, oh my god (haha), it's so beautiful to see a tree encased in ice, so delicately, that the merest touch looks like it could disrupt the gentle balance and destroy the masterpiece of the elements. like a glass covering, glistening and shimmering as it coats the tree gently enough not to destroy it, but heavy enough to be a solid layer. and how the sun can light up the sky in such colors that move our souls to sing and dance and write and love, how can that be a happy accident? it's too perfect.
sure, this may be a flimsy pretext to spirituality, but just think about it. humans just happened to be on this planet, in this solar system, far enough from the sun to not melt, but near enough to not freeze, hospitable.
the sun is the original god of man. it brought light and heat daily, and was worshiped as the reason for living, a benevolent grand being permitting we tiny humans to continue our meager existence. plus, the world literally revolves around the sun, we are constantly in its pull, under its control and in its warmth and protection from flying off into the cold and inhospitable (though breathtakingly beautiful) universe.
one of the reasons i wish from the bottom of my heart that i could have met henry david thoreau is that in his book walden, he called himself a worshiper of the dawn, as if it were a god or goddess. i love the thought of that. rising every morning to greet and thank the sun for its warmth and love, and for returning once more to allow us to live in light. it gives a more tangible standard for worship and what to pray to than most religions, unfortunately, and call me a sap, or irreverent, or stupid, whatever, but next time u get the chance, watch the sun rise, watch its light hit the clouds and light up the sky, watch it bathe everything beneath it in light and golden beauty, and then tell me that you don't see something truly beautiful, something transcendent to the point that it should have been on purpose or even a little possibly spiritual. then allow me to smack you in the face. =]
so here goes, sorry if i offend anyone, honestly:
idk if i believe in any sort of religion-established god. idk if i buy that someone or something is always looking out for us and answers our prayers. there's so much suffering and unfairness in the world, that either that divinity must have some prejudices or preferences, which is hardly transcendent of humanity and admirable, or they simply don't listen to or hear everyone, which is understandable, but then...how all powerful or all seeing is this "god" anyhow?
as for what i do believe, or what i like to believe, i believe that there is a spirit of divinity, perhaps not a conscious one, that exists in nature. every tree, every cloud, every sunrise and set, every squirrel, every leaf, every insect, every person. each possesses some spark of transcendent beauty that u just need to look for to properly see. like how sunlight brings such unbelievable beauty to a cloudy day, or a simple breeze can make a free leaf dance through the air more gracefully than any conscious animal controlling its movement. there's just so much beauty in the world everywhere. even giant new york skyscrapers allowed me to see the reflection of today's beautiful sunrise on the bus ride to school 2day.
i think that this smattering, ever present beauty is no accident. this beauty is everywhere, and makes sense, showing a sort of intelligence. like how leaves are constructed light enough to be able to dance in the breeze, or clouds are just light enough to let light filter through beautifully, or how on rare occasions, when a tree covered in water freezes, oh my god (haha), it's so beautiful to see a tree encased in ice, so delicately, that the merest touch looks like it could disrupt the gentle balance and destroy the masterpiece of the elements. like a glass covering, glistening and shimmering as it coats the tree gently enough not to destroy it, but heavy enough to be a solid layer. and how the sun can light up the sky in such colors that move our souls to sing and dance and write and love, how can that be a happy accident? it's too perfect.
sure, this may be a flimsy pretext to spirituality, but just think about it. humans just happened to be on this planet, in this solar system, far enough from the sun to not melt, but near enough to not freeze, hospitable.
the sun is the original god of man. it brought light and heat daily, and was worshiped as the reason for living, a benevolent grand being permitting we tiny humans to continue our meager existence. plus, the world literally revolves around the sun, we are constantly in its pull, under its control and in its warmth and protection from flying off into the cold and inhospitable (though breathtakingly beautiful) universe.
one of the reasons i wish from the bottom of my heart that i could have met henry david thoreau is that in his book walden, he called himself a worshiper of the dawn, as if it were a god or goddess. i love the thought of that. rising every morning to greet and thank the sun for its warmth and love, and for returning once more to allow us to live in light. it gives a more tangible standard for worship and what to pray to than most religions, unfortunately, and call me a sap, or irreverent, or stupid, whatever, but next time u get the chance, watch the sun rise, watch its light hit the clouds and light up the sky, watch it bathe everything beneath it in light and golden beauty, and then tell me that you don't see something truly beautiful, something transcendent to the point that it should have been on purpose or even a little possibly spiritual. then allow me to smack you in the face. =]
Sunday, January 25, 2009
lyrics
here's a few of my favorite song lyrics. yay boredom. =P
"Here's to the man of your dreams." Oceans Away by The Fray
I love this line mostly because of the tone of it in the song. The music is still for a moment, and his voice is tired with a hint of anguish, but above all, resigned.
"I took a guess and cut a portion out of my heart
He said that's nowhere close enough but it's a damn good start
I wrote the secret that I buried on the wishing well wall
He said I've seen one... it follows that I've seen them all
We spoke of human destination in a perfect world
Derived the nature of the universe (found it unfulfilled)
As I took him in my arms he screamed I'm not insane
I'm just looking for someone to understand my pain..." Devil in the Wishing Well by Five for Fighting (of course)
I just love the feeling of this moment, someone taking the time to talk to the devil and try to understand and connect with him, make him feeling just a little less lonely. everyone needs such understanding, and the fact that it's the devil being understood here makes no one exempt.
"What does this feeling mean to you, both to be seen and to be seen through." Passing Strange by Stew
it's a great, short way to describe at least part of love. the surrendering your self and your defenses to the person.
that's all 4 now. =]
"Here's to the man of your dreams." Oceans Away by The Fray
I love this line mostly because of the tone of it in the song. The music is still for a moment, and his voice is tired with a hint of anguish, but above all, resigned.
"I took a guess and cut a portion out of my heart
He said that's nowhere close enough but it's a damn good start
I wrote the secret that I buried on the wishing well wall
He said I've seen one... it follows that I've seen them all
We spoke of human destination in a perfect world
Derived the nature of the universe (found it unfulfilled)
As I took him in my arms he screamed I'm not insane
I'm just looking for someone to understand my pain..." Devil in the Wishing Well by Five for Fighting (of course)
I just love the feeling of this moment, someone taking the time to talk to the devil and try to understand and connect with him, make him feeling just a little less lonely. everyone needs such understanding, and the fact that it's the devil being understood here makes no one exempt.
"What does this feeling mean to you, both to be seen and to be seen through." Passing Strange by Stew
it's a great, short way to describe at least part of love. the surrendering your self and your defenses to the person.
that's all 4 now. =]
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
response to musings
i was just gonna comment on jessy's blog, but my comment got reli long, hence the blog post.
i think it's more that people change how they ACT around others, as opposed to changing who they are. who they are does affect how their actions change depending on the company, however. some people get shy around certain people, even if they're usually outgoing, some people feel emboldened in the company of certain people, even if they're shy, and certain people may have those sort of effects on others. depending on the person, they may intimidate or unmeeken (yay new words) others.
as for fronts, putting them up does make you not real, because you're acting different in putting up the front. again, though, the fronts you put up are part of who you are, but they're still fronts. that dishonesty in appearances is part of who you are, as are the type of fronts you choose to put up. everyone puts up some front at some point, i think, so this isn't directed at any one person.
sure, fronts may honestly be how you deal with certain situations, but by putting them up, you're pretending and not being true to whoever you're talking to. i think stew said it amazingly when talking about love: "what does this feeling mean to you, both to be seen, and to be seen through." if you love someone, you understand them inside and out. you can see through their facades, their defenses against the world, because they let you inside their mind and heart. conversely, in love, you have to let down your defenses for someone, leaving you vulnerable and without working fronts, because they should know you well enough to see through the act.
i'm rambling, but yes, your fronts are a part of who you are, but a part you need to cast aside to really be yourself. fronts are....a construct, a mask you put on to fool the world into thinking that you are a certain way. the face on the mask is a product of your personality and how you choose to cope, but it's not REALLY you, because you have to consciously act or react in a certain way. sometimes fronts are necessary, but the more you put them up, the less clear your true face becomes, so beware.
i think it's more that people change how they ACT around others, as opposed to changing who they are. who they are does affect how their actions change depending on the company, however. some people get shy around certain people, even if they're usually outgoing, some people feel emboldened in the company of certain people, even if they're shy, and certain people may have those sort of effects on others. depending on the person, they may intimidate or unmeeken (yay new words) others.
as for fronts, putting them up does make you not real, because you're acting different in putting up the front. again, though, the fronts you put up are part of who you are, but they're still fronts. that dishonesty in appearances is part of who you are, as are the type of fronts you choose to put up. everyone puts up some front at some point, i think, so this isn't directed at any one person.
sure, fronts may honestly be how you deal with certain situations, but by putting them up, you're pretending and not being true to whoever you're talking to. i think stew said it amazingly when talking about love: "what does this feeling mean to you, both to be seen, and to be seen through." if you love someone, you understand them inside and out. you can see through their facades, their defenses against the world, because they let you inside their mind and heart. conversely, in love, you have to let down your defenses for someone, leaving you vulnerable and without working fronts, because they should know you well enough to see through the act.
i'm rambling, but yes, your fronts are a part of who you are, but a part you need to cast aside to really be yourself. fronts are....a construct, a mask you put on to fool the world into thinking that you are a certain way. the face on the mask is a product of your personality and how you choose to cope, but it's not REALLY you, because you have to consciously act or react in a certain way. sometimes fronts are necessary, but the more you put them up, the less clear your true face becomes, so beware.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
poetry
i haven't blogged a poem in a while, so here's one:
Icarus
Once you reach a certain point,
Your soul-bent genius takes the fall.
Transcendence senses keen anoint,
And rapture binds you in its thrall.
Beethoven heard the angels sing,
Which deafened him to earthly tune,
And Galileo's light blinding
Made life look like a dark side moon.
Man yearns to the ethereal
Through art, science, life-ology,
But once you learn to truly feel,
You get lost in your ontology.
as always, feedback would be great. =] i like the title as icarus, cuz of the sort of reaching the sun and falling, but i may rename it, just cuz i may want to write a poem about icarus' story itself.
Icarus
Once you reach a certain point,
Your soul-bent genius takes the fall.
Transcendence senses keen anoint,
And rapture binds you in its thrall.
Beethoven heard the angels sing,
Which deafened him to earthly tune,
And Galileo's light blinding
Made life look like a dark side moon.
Man yearns to the ethereal
Through art, science, life-ology,
But once you learn to truly feel,
You get lost in your ontology.
as always, feedback would be great. =] i like the title as icarus, cuz of the sort of reaching the sun and falling, but i may rename it, just cuz i may want to write a poem about icarus' story itself.
growing up
i keep trying to imagine how i'll be in 10, 20, 30 years. i figure in 10 years i might be more outgoing, a little more...debauch? (is that a word?), i guess in 20 years i'll be ready for, if not already raising kids, so i'll mellow a tad, but probably get back in touch with my inner child, and then in 30 years, i'll be more like my father, a little tired, happy, but fully dealing with real life shit, with kids, a career, hopefully stable, in psychology ideally.
all i know is, i want to be a better person than i am now. im afraid my temper will always be an issue, but im working on it, i find that just taking a minute to breath helps. i want to be wiser, but not a dick. i want to KNOW more about life, about people, about the world. right now, i know some, i think, but i don't even know how much i REALLY know. when i'm older, i want to be able to say "i know some about life" or "i don't know shit about life", but either way, i want sureness. i want to know where my intellect stands.
but no matter what, as i grow up, i want to stay happy. i don't want to become cynical or sarcastic like mr. fisher, even if i become as knowledgeable as he is. of my teachers, i want to be most like TdeZ or mr. glassman. they're undeniably wise and nice, but they are so far from arrogance that i can barely use it in a sentence describing them. TdeZ always looks happy with what he's doing, and he's comfortable enough to laugh and make silly noises and joke around about deep philosophy, and mr. glassman almost always has a smile on his face, and when he doesn't....u don't want to be there.
for now tho, i like who i am. i know i have good qualities, i know i have parts of my personality that i need to work on, and i know i still have parts of myself that i can learn more about. i'm probably gonna start going to ms. diaz not just to talk about possibly becoming a psychologist, but maybe to get a psychological evaluation. i don't think i'm crazy, persay, but i feel like she'd be able to help me understand myself better. plus, she's nice and seems quite trustworthy. ok guys, i'll try to blog more, since some of u are asking me to, but for now, happy long weekend. =]
all i know is, i want to be a better person than i am now. im afraid my temper will always be an issue, but im working on it, i find that just taking a minute to breath helps. i want to be wiser, but not a dick. i want to KNOW more about life, about people, about the world. right now, i know some, i think, but i don't even know how much i REALLY know. when i'm older, i want to be able to say "i know some about life" or "i don't know shit about life", but either way, i want sureness. i want to know where my intellect stands.
but no matter what, as i grow up, i want to stay happy. i don't want to become cynical or sarcastic like mr. fisher, even if i become as knowledgeable as he is. of my teachers, i want to be most like TdeZ or mr. glassman. they're undeniably wise and nice, but they are so far from arrogance that i can barely use it in a sentence describing them. TdeZ always looks happy with what he's doing, and he's comfortable enough to laugh and make silly noises and joke around about deep philosophy, and mr. glassman almost always has a smile on his face, and when he doesn't....u don't want to be there.
for now tho, i like who i am. i know i have good qualities, i know i have parts of my personality that i need to work on, and i know i still have parts of myself that i can learn more about. i'm probably gonna start going to ms. diaz not just to talk about possibly becoming a psychologist, but maybe to get a psychological evaluation. i don't think i'm crazy, persay, but i feel like she'd be able to help me understand myself better. plus, she's nice and seems quite trustworthy. ok guys, i'll try to blog more, since some of u are asking me to, but for now, happy long weekend. =]
new layout
my old template for the blog seemed a tad dark for me, i like this one better. the colors r brighter, yet still mellow, and the top is bootiful. =]
Sunday, January 11, 2009
value pt 2
haircut: $12
groceries for ur mom: $13
cab ride home: $8
falling asleep with an angel in your arms: priceless =]
groceries for ur mom: $13
cab ride home: $8
falling asleep with an angel in your arms: priceless =]
value
2 bags of doritos: $1.80
2 hershey's milk chocolate bars: $1.90
1 yellow rose: $5.99 (i think, i forget)
1 hug and a kiss on the forehead: priceless
yet another bag of doritos: $0.90
1 naruto ramen: $10 before tip
dancing in the dark with the ppl you love: priceless
kissing the girl you love goodnight in front of both ur families: worth anything =]
2 hershey's milk chocolate bars: $1.90
1 yellow rose: $5.99 (i think, i forget)
1 hug and a kiss on the forehead: priceless
yet another bag of doritos: $0.90
1 naruto ramen: $10 before tip
dancing in the dark with the ppl you love: priceless
kissing the girl you love goodnight in front of both ur families: worth anything =]
Monday, January 5, 2009
let's try this again
words only burn when the mind is hot
hot with thoughts, angry, passionate, something.
my mind is too soft,
my passion too tempered.
when angels fill ur head
its hard to get worked up.
but when ur surrounded by perfection, by purity
u feel urself a beast
birds leave the tree wanting,
wings seem a torture flaunting,
thoughts seem tainted,
grey matter turned black
and if they come down to ur level,
they may never ascend back.
must we pluck the wings from innocence
to cover up our shame,
must we dwell on anger's resonance
when its casing is to blame?
i'll find a way to speak the truth
without ribbons of prose
but until then, my words, forsooth
are as cliche as a rose. =P
hot with thoughts, angry, passionate, something.
my mind is too soft,
my passion too tempered.
when angels fill ur head
its hard to get worked up.
but when ur surrounded by perfection, by purity
u feel urself a beast
birds leave the tree wanting,
wings seem a torture flaunting,
thoughts seem tainted,
grey matter turned black
and if they come down to ur level,
they may never ascend back.
must we pluck the wings from innocence
to cover up our shame,
must we dwell on anger's resonance
when its casing is to blame?
i'll find a way to speak the truth
without ribbons of prose
but until then, my words, forsooth
are as cliche as a rose. =P
let's see what flows
i never let thoughts flourish
never see them really grow
i usually stifle them in rhymes and form
so now i'll write, let's see what flows.
i can't seem to find the words to speak
my mind too at peace,
to at ease to strike a chord
in me.
i've bitched before
whined, always wanting more
more women, more attention
more recognition, less pretention.
i never liked whining to ppl,
i guess i just felt less alone.
when u know ppl listen to you,
there's some attention that u own.
haha, i can't seem to stop rhyming,
but freestyle just doesnt seem
my style,
it doesnt beam
my light,
my fire.
my love,
my ire.
can't focus, too many ims
that bleeping sound disruptive
i need silence to stop thinking
and start writing again,
till next time.
never see them really grow
i usually stifle them in rhymes and form
so now i'll write, let's see what flows.
i can't seem to find the words to speak
my mind too at peace,
to at ease to strike a chord
in me.
i've bitched before
whined, always wanting more
more women, more attention
more recognition, less pretention.
i never liked whining to ppl,
i guess i just felt less alone.
when u know ppl listen to you,
there's some attention that u own.
haha, i can't seem to stop rhyming,
but freestyle just doesnt seem
my style,
it doesnt beam
my light,
my fire.
my love,
my ire.
can't focus, too many ims
that bleeping sound disruptive
i need silence to stop thinking
and start writing again,
till next time.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
new years
hey ppls, u probably know it's new years. i've been thinking a lot, talking to ppl some, most of the thoughts either expressed, too private, or unexpressable, so i guess i'll skip them and just do some resolutions:
1) stay in shape/get in better shape, either by working out every day, doing a sport if not dtw, just being more active i guess. i seem to be a laze outside of hip hop class or other dance related places.
2) stay sharp with work even during second semester, dont just blow off senior initiative, dont slack off, even after getting into college.
3) GET HOME ON TIME. (juliet knows what im talking about =P)
4) get into dtw, cuz it's always sooo much fun. (this one's less up to me)
5) in peer leadership, give my freshmen something out of the experience, make them remember or at least not regret the sessions.
6) in piano and dance, get better at improv, be it hip hop, modern, jazz music, i just want to be more original and dynamic.
7) keep writing poetry (obviously), maybe do an epic poem, or something epic with poetry.
8) make poetry club more active, keep the laid back environment, but organize more things than just reading in meetings.
that should do it for now, happy 2009! =]
1) stay in shape/get in better shape, either by working out every day, doing a sport if not dtw, just being more active i guess. i seem to be a laze outside of hip hop class or other dance related places.
2) stay sharp with work even during second semester, dont just blow off senior initiative, dont slack off, even after getting into college.
3) GET HOME ON TIME. (juliet knows what im talking about =P)
4) get into dtw, cuz it's always sooo much fun. (this one's less up to me)
5) in peer leadership, give my freshmen something out of the experience, make them remember or at least not regret the sessions.
6) in piano and dance, get better at improv, be it hip hop, modern, jazz music, i just want to be more original and dynamic.
7) keep writing poetry (obviously), maybe do an epic poem, or something epic with poetry.
8) make poetry club more active, keep the laid back environment, but organize more things than just reading in meetings.
that should do it for now, happy 2009! =]
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