teddy

i haven't written anything about you yet, and i think if i do it'll give me some final closure. i hadn't seen u in about a week the day it happened, the day you jumped. i remember thinking that that morning the clouds were so beautiful, but so far away, and that it was a shame i was stuck on the ground.

i was in math when it happened, and we were in a test, so it was quiet. we heard a huge boom, like a truck backfiring or something, and people screaming. we'd heard the kids earlier, so we thought it was just playstreet as usual, but it sounded more panicked, somehow. alex shaheen got annoyed in his bitchy ass way, saying "ugh, wat an inconvenient time" or something to that effect. quite frankly i hope he feels guilty for that. benji heard the boom and joked, "whoa, someone just got gatted." i had a bad feeling, so i didnt say anything. for the next 45 minutes, we tried to focus on our tests, as we were told to stay away from windows and heard an awful scream from outside, which i now know was teddy's mom.

we finished, and benji went over to a window to see wat was happening. i was nervous, but i went over too. then i saw you. or at least part of you teddy. i didnt know it was you, i just saw jeans, a white leg, a shoe a few feet to the left of you, a tarp over your body, and a pool of blood. the first thing i thought was that if they covered up the body, and there was that much blood, whoever it was, there's no way they were still alive. i couldnt look away for a minute or two, and i remember someone saying to someone in the class as i went to the window to stop looking, in case we got traumatized for life. sigh. i wont be traumatized for life, but it's just ironic how everything happened.

i wish i'd known u better teddy. i tried to be friendly with u without being dishonest, but still u rarely made eye contact with me and we rarely talked. to be honest, i thought u had a sort of menace about u initially, how at homecoming last year u sort of stalked out, shoulders stooped, when the rest of the football team had run out. seeing how u acted with jessy, i was a little wary, but i am of most guys with my female friends. i never knew how brilliant u were firsthand, but it seems undeniable seeing how much it seems to be general consensus. i keep replaying what may have happened in the dance studio over and over in my head, wondering if i was there, what might i have tried to do, if i'd seen u earlier that day, how would i have showed kindness to u if i knew wat u might do later, and i keep regretting how much pain u mustve felt to resort to suicide.

im sorry dalton couldnt make u feel more welcome in this life, if that's what you needed, but wherever you are, if you can look after ur brother, please do, because he misses you dearly. and know that you are in our thoughts now, and for a long time to come. i can't tell u how many times i've had to console someone, but i can tell you that i've barely had time to come to grips with everything myself. i broke down in juliet's arms because i'm so used to comforting others, but i guess this was just too much. i hope ur happier now teddy, and if anything, thank you for making our lives a little more hug-filled, and for showing us that someone will always be affected if we die.

RIP teddy.