spirituality

so today in philosophy we got a bit into religious stuffs, and i had a little trouble at first articulating my beliefs. i guess cause i felt on the spot all of a sudden, and it's something personal and not totally concrete for me, so i said "i'm still figuring it out", which i am, but i guess fleshing it out on cyber paper could help foster some clarity.

so here goes, sorry if i offend anyone, honestly:

idk if i believe in any sort of religion-established god. idk if i buy that someone or something is always looking out for us and answers our prayers. there's so much suffering and unfairness in the world, that either that divinity must have some prejudices or preferences, which is hardly transcendent of humanity and admirable, or they simply don't listen to or hear everyone, which is understandable, but then...how all powerful or all seeing is this "god" anyhow?

as for what i do believe, or what i like to believe, i believe that there is a spirit of divinity, perhaps not a conscious one, that exists in nature. every tree, every cloud, every sunrise and set, every squirrel, every leaf, every insect, every person. each possesses some spark of transcendent beauty that u just need to look for to properly see. like how sunlight brings such unbelievable beauty to a cloudy day, or a simple breeze can make a free leaf dance through the air more gracefully than any conscious animal controlling its movement. there's just so much beauty in the world everywhere. even giant new york skyscrapers allowed me to see the reflection of today's beautiful sunrise on the bus ride to school 2day.

i think that this smattering, ever present beauty is no accident. this beauty is everywhere, and makes sense, showing a sort of intelligence. like how leaves are constructed light enough to be able to dance in the breeze, or clouds are just light enough to let light filter through beautifully, or how on rare occasions, when a tree covered in water freezes, oh my god (haha), it's so beautiful to see a tree encased in ice, so delicately, that the merest touch looks like it could disrupt the gentle balance and destroy the masterpiece of the elements. like a glass covering, glistening and shimmering as it coats the tree gently enough not to destroy it, but heavy enough to be a solid layer. and how the sun can light up the sky in such colors that move our souls to sing and dance and write and love, how can that be a happy accident? it's too perfect.

sure, this may be a flimsy pretext to spirituality, but just think about it. humans just happened to be on this planet, in this solar system, far enough from the sun to not melt, but near enough to not freeze, hospitable.

the sun is the original god of man. it brought light and heat daily, and was worshiped as the reason for living, a benevolent grand being permitting we tiny humans to continue our meager existence. plus, the world literally revolves around the sun, we are constantly in its pull, under its control and in its warmth and protection from flying off into the cold and inhospitable (though breathtakingly beautiful) universe.

one of the reasons i wish from the bottom of my heart that i could have met henry david thoreau is that in his book walden, he called himself a worshiper of the dawn, as if it were a god or goddess. i love the thought of that. rising every morning to greet and thank the sun for its warmth and love, and for returning once more to allow us to live in light. it gives a more tangible standard for worship and what to pray to than most religions, unfortunately, and call me a sap, or irreverent, or stupid, whatever, but next time u get the chance, watch the sun rise, watch its light hit the clouds and light up the sky, watch it bathe everything beneath it in light and golden beauty, and then tell me that you don't see something truly beautiful, something transcendent to the point that it should have been on purpose or even a little possibly spiritual. then allow me to smack you in the face. =]