growing up

i keep trying to imagine how i'll be in 10, 20, 30 years. i figure in 10 years i might be more outgoing, a little more...debauch? (is that a word?), i guess in 20 years i'll be ready for, if not already raising kids, so i'll mellow a tad, but probably get back in touch with my inner child, and then in 30 years, i'll be more like my father, a little tired, happy, but fully dealing with real life shit, with kids, a career, hopefully stable, in psychology ideally.

all i know is, i want to be a better person than i am now. im afraid my temper will always be an issue, but im working on it, i find that just taking a minute to breath helps. i want to be wiser, but not a dick. i want to KNOW more about life, about people, about the world. right now, i know some, i think, but i don't even know how much i REALLY know. when i'm older, i want to be able to say "i know some about life" or "i don't know shit about life", but either way, i want sureness. i want to know where my intellect stands.

but no matter what, as i grow up, i want to stay happy. i don't want to become cynical or sarcastic like mr. fisher, even if i become as knowledgeable as he is. of my teachers, i want to be most like TdeZ or mr. glassman. they're undeniably wise and nice, but they are so far from arrogance that i can barely use it in a sentence describing them. TdeZ always looks happy with what he's doing, and he's comfortable enough to laugh and make silly noises and joke around about deep philosophy, and mr. glassman almost always has a smile on his face, and when he doesn't....u don't want to be there.

for now tho, i like who i am. i know i have good qualities, i know i have parts of my personality that i need to work on, and i know i still have parts of myself that i can learn more about. i'm probably gonna start going to ms. diaz not just to talk about possibly becoming a psychologist, but maybe to get a psychological evaluation. i don't think i'm crazy, persay, but i feel like she'd be able to help me understand myself better. plus, she's nice and seems quite trustworthy. ok guys, i'll try to blog more, since some of u are asking me to, but for now, happy long weekend. =]