we wander,
we wonder,
we ponder,
we plunder,
we flounder,
we thunder,
we win,
and we blunder.
we search,
we imagine,
woo princesses,
fight dragons,
we fall without wanting,
we risk in our flaunting,
we hurt and we learn,
build bridges and burn.
but we shouldn't lose hope,
just widen the scope,
don't look for "the one",
nor from your love run.
pain is the process,
love is the progress,
fear is the squalor,
risk is the valor.
peace cannot be without conflict,
and we cannot be fulfilled without emptiness.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
spirituality
so today in philosophy we got a bit into religious stuffs, and i had a little trouble at first articulating my beliefs. i guess cause i felt on the spot all of a sudden, and it's something personal and not totally concrete for me, so i said "i'm still figuring it out", which i am, but i guess fleshing it out on cyber paper could help foster some clarity.
so here goes, sorry if i offend anyone, honestly:
idk if i believe in any sort of religion-established god. idk if i buy that someone or something is always looking out for us and answers our prayers. there's so much suffering and unfairness in the world, that either that divinity must have some prejudices or preferences, which is hardly transcendent of humanity and admirable, or they simply don't listen to or hear everyone, which is understandable, but then...how all powerful or all seeing is this "god" anyhow?
as for what i do believe, or what i like to believe, i believe that there is a spirit of divinity, perhaps not a conscious one, that exists in nature. every tree, every cloud, every sunrise and set, every squirrel, every leaf, every insect, every person. each possesses some spark of transcendent beauty that u just need to look for to properly see. like how sunlight brings such unbelievable beauty to a cloudy day, or a simple breeze can make a free leaf dance through the air more gracefully than any conscious animal controlling its movement. there's just so much beauty in the world everywhere. even giant new york skyscrapers allowed me to see the reflection of today's beautiful sunrise on the bus ride to school 2day.
i think that this smattering, ever present beauty is no accident. this beauty is everywhere, and makes sense, showing a sort of intelligence. like how leaves are constructed light enough to be able to dance in the breeze, or clouds are just light enough to let light filter through beautifully, or how on rare occasions, when a tree covered in water freezes, oh my god (haha), it's so beautiful to see a tree encased in ice, so delicately, that the merest touch looks like it could disrupt the gentle balance and destroy the masterpiece of the elements. like a glass covering, glistening and shimmering as it coats the tree gently enough not to destroy it, but heavy enough to be a solid layer. and how the sun can light up the sky in such colors that move our souls to sing and dance and write and love, how can that be a happy accident? it's too perfect.
sure, this may be a flimsy pretext to spirituality, but just think about it. humans just happened to be on this planet, in this solar system, far enough from the sun to not melt, but near enough to not freeze, hospitable.
the sun is the original god of man. it brought light and heat daily, and was worshiped as the reason for living, a benevolent grand being permitting we tiny humans to continue our meager existence. plus, the world literally revolves around the sun, we are constantly in its pull, under its control and in its warmth and protection from flying off into the cold and inhospitable (though breathtakingly beautiful) universe.
one of the reasons i wish from the bottom of my heart that i could have met henry david thoreau is that in his book walden, he called himself a worshiper of the dawn, as if it were a god or goddess. i love the thought of that. rising every morning to greet and thank the sun for its warmth and love, and for returning once more to allow us to live in light. it gives a more tangible standard for worship and what to pray to than most religions, unfortunately, and call me a sap, or irreverent, or stupid, whatever, but next time u get the chance, watch the sun rise, watch its light hit the clouds and light up the sky, watch it bathe everything beneath it in light and golden beauty, and then tell me that you don't see something truly beautiful, something transcendent to the point that it should have been on purpose or even a little possibly spiritual. then allow me to smack you in the face. =]
so here goes, sorry if i offend anyone, honestly:
idk if i believe in any sort of religion-established god. idk if i buy that someone or something is always looking out for us and answers our prayers. there's so much suffering and unfairness in the world, that either that divinity must have some prejudices or preferences, which is hardly transcendent of humanity and admirable, or they simply don't listen to or hear everyone, which is understandable, but then...how all powerful or all seeing is this "god" anyhow?
as for what i do believe, or what i like to believe, i believe that there is a spirit of divinity, perhaps not a conscious one, that exists in nature. every tree, every cloud, every sunrise and set, every squirrel, every leaf, every insect, every person. each possesses some spark of transcendent beauty that u just need to look for to properly see. like how sunlight brings such unbelievable beauty to a cloudy day, or a simple breeze can make a free leaf dance through the air more gracefully than any conscious animal controlling its movement. there's just so much beauty in the world everywhere. even giant new york skyscrapers allowed me to see the reflection of today's beautiful sunrise on the bus ride to school 2day.
i think that this smattering, ever present beauty is no accident. this beauty is everywhere, and makes sense, showing a sort of intelligence. like how leaves are constructed light enough to be able to dance in the breeze, or clouds are just light enough to let light filter through beautifully, or how on rare occasions, when a tree covered in water freezes, oh my god (haha), it's so beautiful to see a tree encased in ice, so delicately, that the merest touch looks like it could disrupt the gentle balance and destroy the masterpiece of the elements. like a glass covering, glistening and shimmering as it coats the tree gently enough not to destroy it, but heavy enough to be a solid layer. and how the sun can light up the sky in such colors that move our souls to sing and dance and write and love, how can that be a happy accident? it's too perfect.
sure, this may be a flimsy pretext to spirituality, but just think about it. humans just happened to be on this planet, in this solar system, far enough from the sun to not melt, but near enough to not freeze, hospitable.
the sun is the original god of man. it brought light and heat daily, and was worshiped as the reason for living, a benevolent grand being permitting we tiny humans to continue our meager existence. plus, the world literally revolves around the sun, we are constantly in its pull, under its control and in its warmth and protection from flying off into the cold and inhospitable (though breathtakingly beautiful) universe.
one of the reasons i wish from the bottom of my heart that i could have met henry david thoreau is that in his book walden, he called himself a worshiper of the dawn, as if it were a god or goddess. i love the thought of that. rising every morning to greet and thank the sun for its warmth and love, and for returning once more to allow us to live in light. it gives a more tangible standard for worship and what to pray to than most religions, unfortunately, and call me a sap, or irreverent, or stupid, whatever, but next time u get the chance, watch the sun rise, watch its light hit the clouds and light up the sky, watch it bathe everything beneath it in light and golden beauty, and then tell me that you don't see something truly beautiful, something transcendent to the point that it should have been on purpose or even a little possibly spiritual. then allow me to smack you in the face. =]
Sunday, January 25, 2009
lyrics
here's a few of my favorite song lyrics. yay boredom. =P
"Here's to the man of your dreams." Oceans Away by The Fray
I love this line mostly because of the tone of it in the song. The music is still for a moment, and his voice is tired with a hint of anguish, but above all, resigned.
"I took a guess and cut a portion out of my heart
He said that's nowhere close enough but it's a damn good start
I wrote the secret that I buried on the wishing well wall
He said I've seen one... it follows that I've seen them all
We spoke of human destination in a perfect world
Derived the nature of the universe (found it unfulfilled)
As I took him in my arms he screamed I'm not insane
I'm just looking for someone to understand my pain..." Devil in the Wishing Well by Five for Fighting (of course)
I just love the feeling of this moment, someone taking the time to talk to the devil and try to understand and connect with him, make him feeling just a little less lonely. everyone needs such understanding, and the fact that it's the devil being understood here makes no one exempt.
"What does this feeling mean to you, both to be seen and to be seen through." Passing Strange by Stew
it's a great, short way to describe at least part of love. the surrendering your self and your defenses to the person.
that's all 4 now. =]
"Here's to the man of your dreams." Oceans Away by The Fray
I love this line mostly because of the tone of it in the song. The music is still for a moment, and his voice is tired with a hint of anguish, but above all, resigned.
"I took a guess and cut a portion out of my heart
He said that's nowhere close enough but it's a damn good start
I wrote the secret that I buried on the wishing well wall
He said I've seen one... it follows that I've seen them all
We spoke of human destination in a perfect world
Derived the nature of the universe (found it unfulfilled)
As I took him in my arms he screamed I'm not insane
I'm just looking for someone to understand my pain..." Devil in the Wishing Well by Five for Fighting (of course)
I just love the feeling of this moment, someone taking the time to talk to the devil and try to understand and connect with him, make him feeling just a little less lonely. everyone needs such understanding, and the fact that it's the devil being understood here makes no one exempt.
"What does this feeling mean to you, both to be seen and to be seen through." Passing Strange by Stew
it's a great, short way to describe at least part of love. the surrendering your self and your defenses to the person.
that's all 4 now. =]
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
response to musings
i was just gonna comment on jessy's blog, but my comment got reli long, hence the blog post.
i think it's more that people change how they ACT around others, as opposed to changing who they are. who they are does affect how their actions change depending on the company, however. some people get shy around certain people, even if they're usually outgoing, some people feel emboldened in the company of certain people, even if they're shy, and certain people may have those sort of effects on others. depending on the person, they may intimidate or unmeeken (yay new words) others.
as for fronts, putting them up does make you not real, because you're acting different in putting up the front. again, though, the fronts you put up are part of who you are, but they're still fronts. that dishonesty in appearances is part of who you are, as are the type of fronts you choose to put up. everyone puts up some front at some point, i think, so this isn't directed at any one person.
sure, fronts may honestly be how you deal with certain situations, but by putting them up, you're pretending and not being true to whoever you're talking to. i think stew said it amazingly when talking about love: "what does this feeling mean to you, both to be seen, and to be seen through." if you love someone, you understand them inside and out. you can see through their facades, their defenses against the world, because they let you inside their mind and heart. conversely, in love, you have to let down your defenses for someone, leaving you vulnerable and without working fronts, because they should know you well enough to see through the act.
i'm rambling, but yes, your fronts are a part of who you are, but a part you need to cast aside to really be yourself. fronts are....a construct, a mask you put on to fool the world into thinking that you are a certain way. the face on the mask is a product of your personality and how you choose to cope, but it's not REALLY you, because you have to consciously act or react in a certain way. sometimes fronts are necessary, but the more you put them up, the less clear your true face becomes, so beware.
i think it's more that people change how they ACT around others, as opposed to changing who they are. who they are does affect how their actions change depending on the company, however. some people get shy around certain people, even if they're usually outgoing, some people feel emboldened in the company of certain people, even if they're shy, and certain people may have those sort of effects on others. depending on the person, they may intimidate or unmeeken (yay new words) others.
as for fronts, putting them up does make you not real, because you're acting different in putting up the front. again, though, the fronts you put up are part of who you are, but they're still fronts. that dishonesty in appearances is part of who you are, as are the type of fronts you choose to put up. everyone puts up some front at some point, i think, so this isn't directed at any one person.
sure, fronts may honestly be how you deal with certain situations, but by putting them up, you're pretending and not being true to whoever you're talking to. i think stew said it amazingly when talking about love: "what does this feeling mean to you, both to be seen, and to be seen through." if you love someone, you understand them inside and out. you can see through their facades, their defenses against the world, because they let you inside their mind and heart. conversely, in love, you have to let down your defenses for someone, leaving you vulnerable and without working fronts, because they should know you well enough to see through the act.
i'm rambling, but yes, your fronts are a part of who you are, but a part you need to cast aside to really be yourself. fronts are....a construct, a mask you put on to fool the world into thinking that you are a certain way. the face on the mask is a product of your personality and how you choose to cope, but it's not REALLY you, because you have to consciously act or react in a certain way. sometimes fronts are necessary, but the more you put them up, the less clear your true face becomes, so beware.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
poetry
i haven't blogged a poem in a while, so here's one:
Icarus
Once you reach a certain point,
Your soul-bent genius takes the fall.
Transcendence senses keen anoint,
And rapture binds you in its thrall.
Beethoven heard the angels sing,
Which deafened him to earthly tune,
And Galileo's light blinding
Made life look like a dark side moon.
Man yearns to the ethereal
Through art, science, life-ology,
But once you learn to truly feel,
You get lost in your ontology.
as always, feedback would be great. =] i like the title as icarus, cuz of the sort of reaching the sun and falling, but i may rename it, just cuz i may want to write a poem about icarus' story itself.
Icarus
Once you reach a certain point,
Your soul-bent genius takes the fall.
Transcendence senses keen anoint,
And rapture binds you in its thrall.
Beethoven heard the angels sing,
Which deafened him to earthly tune,
And Galileo's light blinding
Made life look like a dark side moon.
Man yearns to the ethereal
Through art, science, life-ology,
But once you learn to truly feel,
You get lost in your ontology.
as always, feedback would be great. =] i like the title as icarus, cuz of the sort of reaching the sun and falling, but i may rename it, just cuz i may want to write a poem about icarus' story itself.
growing up
i keep trying to imagine how i'll be in 10, 20, 30 years. i figure in 10 years i might be more outgoing, a little more...debauch? (is that a word?), i guess in 20 years i'll be ready for, if not already raising kids, so i'll mellow a tad, but probably get back in touch with my inner child, and then in 30 years, i'll be more like my father, a little tired, happy, but fully dealing with real life shit, with kids, a career, hopefully stable, in psychology ideally.
all i know is, i want to be a better person than i am now. im afraid my temper will always be an issue, but im working on it, i find that just taking a minute to breath helps. i want to be wiser, but not a dick. i want to KNOW more about life, about people, about the world. right now, i know some, i think, but i don't even know how much i REALLY know. when i'm older, i want to be able to say "i know some about life" or "i don't know shit about life", but either way, i want sureness. i want to know where my intellect stands.
but no matter what, as i grow up, i want to stay happy. i don't want to become cynical or sarcastic like mr. fisher, even if i become as knowledgeable as he is. of my teachers, i want to be most like TdeZ or mr. glassman. they're undeniably wise and nice, but they are so far from arrogance that i can barely use it in a sentence describing them. TdeZ always looks happy with what he's doing, and he's comfortable enough to laugh and make silly noises and joke around about deep philosophy, and mr. glassman almost always has a smile on his face, and when he doesn't....u don't want to be there.
for now tho, i like who i am. i know i have good qualities, i know i have parts of my personality that i need to work on, and i know i still have parts of myself that i can learn more about. i'm probably gonna start going to ms. diaz not just to talk about possibly becoming a psychologist, but maybe to get a psychological evaluation. i don't think i'm crazy, persay, but i feel like she'd be able to help me understand myself better. plus, she's nice and seems quite trustworthy. ok guys, i'll try to blog more, since some of u are asking me to, but for now, happy long weekend. =]
all i know is, i want to be a better person than i am now. im afraid my temper will always be an issue, but im working on it, i find that just taking a minute to breath helps. i want to be wiser, but not a dick. i want to KNOW more about life, about people, about the world. right now, i know some, i think, but i don't even know how much i REALLY know. when i'm older, i want to be able to say "i know some about life" or "i don't know shit about life", but either way, i want sureness. i want to know where my intellect stands.
but no matter what, as i grow up, i want to stay happy. i don't want to become cynical or sarcastic like mr. fisher, even if i become as knowledgeable as he is. of my teachers, i want to be most like TdeZ or mr. glassman. they're undeniably wise and nice, but they are so far from arrogance that i can barely use it in a sentence describing them. TdeZ always looks happy with what he's doing, and he's comfortable enough to laugh and make silly noises and joke around about deep philosophy, and mr. glassman almost always has a smile on his face, and when he doesn't....u don't want to be there.
for now tho, i like who i am. i know i have good qualities, i know i have parts of my personality that i need to work on, and i know i still have parts of myself that i can learn more about. i'm probably gonna start going to ms. diaz not just to talk about possibly becoming a psychologist, but maybe to get a psychological evaluation. i don't think i'm crazy, persay, but i feel like she'd be able to help me understand myself better. plus, she's nice and seems quite trustworthy. ok guys, i'll try to blog more, since some of u are asking me to, but for now, happy long weekend. =]
new layout
my old template for the blog seemed a tad dark for me, i like this one better. the colors r brighter, yet still mellow, and the top is bootiful. =]
Sunday, January 11, 2009
value pt 2
haircut: $12
groceries for ur mom: $13
cab ride home: $8
falling asleep with an angel in your arms: priceless =]
groceries for ur mom: $13
cab ride home: $8
falling asleep with an angel in your arms: priceless =]
value
2 bags of doritos: $1.80
2 hershey's milk chocolate bars: $1.90
1 yellow rose: $5.99 (i think, i forget)
1 hug and a kiss on the forehead: priceless
yet another bag of doritos: $0.90
1 naruto ramen: $10 before tip
dancing in the dark with the ppl you love: priceless
kissing the girl you love goodnight in front of both ur families: worth anything =]
2 hershey's milk chocolate bars: $1.90
1 yellow rose: $5.99 (i think, i forget)
1 hug and a kiss on the forehead: priceless
yet another bag of doritos: $0.90
1 naruto ramen: $10 before tip
dancing in the dark with the ppl you love: priceless
kissing the girl you love goodnight in front of both ur families: worth anything =]
Monday, January 5, 2009
let's try this again
words only burn when the mind is hot
hot with thoughts, angry, passionate, something.
my mind is too soft,
my passion too tempered.
when angels fill ur head
its hard to get worked up.
but when ur surrounded by perfection, by purity
u feel urself a beast
birds leave the tree wanting,
wings seem a torture flaunting,
thoughts seem tainted,
grey matter turned black
and if they come down to ur level,
they may never ascend back.
must we pluck the wings from innocence
to cover up our shame,
must we dwell on anger's resonance
when its casing is to blame?
i'll find a way to speak the truth
without ribbons of prose
but until then, my words, forsooth
are as cliche as a rose. =P
hot with thoughts, angry, passionate, something.
my mind is too soft,
my passion too tempered.
when angels fill ur head
its hard to get worked up.
but when ur surrounded by perfection, by purity
u feel urself a beast
birds leave the tree wanting,
wings seem a torture flaunting,
thoughts seem tainted,
grey matter turned black
and if they come down to ur level,
they may never ascend back.
must we pluck the wings from innocence
to cover up our shame,
must we dwell on anger's resonance
when its casing is to blame?
i'll find a way to speak the truth
without ribbons of prose
but until then, my words, forsooth
are as cliche as a rose. =P
let's see what flows
i never let thoughts flourish
never see them really grow
i usually stifle them in rhymes and form
so now i'll write, let's see what flows.
i can't seem to find the words to speak
my mind too at peace,
to at ease to strike a chord
in me.
i've bitched before
whined, always wanting more
more women, more attention
more recognition, less pretention.
i never liked whining to ppl,
i guess i just felt less alone.
when u know ppl listen to you,
there's some attention that u own.
haha, i can't seem to stop rhyming,
but freestyle just doesnt seem
my style,
it doesnt beam
my light,
my fire.
my love,
my ire.
can't focus, too many ims
that bleeping sound disruptive
i need silence to stop thinking
and start writing again,
till next time.
never see them really grow
i usually stifle them in rhymes and form
so now i'll write, let's see what flows.
i can't seem to find the words to speak
my mind too at peace,
to at ease to strike a chord
in me.
i've bitched before
whined, always wanting more
more women, more attention
more recognition, less pretention.
i never liked whining to ppl,
i guess i just felt less alone.
when u know ppl listen to you,
there's some attention that u own.
haha, i can't seem to stop rhyming,
but freestyle just doesnt seem
my style,
it doesnt beam
my light,
my fire.
my love,
my ire.
can't focus, too many ims
that bleeping sound disruptive
i need silence to stop thinking
and start writing again,
till next time.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
new years
hey ppls, u probably know it's new years. i've been thinking a lot, talking to ppl some, most of the thoughts either expressed, too private, or unexpressable, so i guess i'll skip them and just do some resolutions:
1) stay in shape/get in better shape, either by working out every day, doing a sport if not dtw, just being more active i guess. i seem to be a laze outside of hip hop class or other dance related places.
2) stay sharp with work even during second semester, dont just blow off senior initiative, dont slack off, even after getting into college.
3) GET HOME ON TIME. (juliet knows what im talking about =P)
4) get into dtw, cuz it's always sooo much fun. (this one's less up to me)
5) in peer leadership, give my freshmen something out of the experience, make them remember or at least not regret the sessions.
6) in piano and dance, get better at improv, be it hip hop, modern, jazz music, i just want to be more original and dynamic.
7) keep writing poetry (obviously), maybe do an epic poem, or something epic with poetry.
8) make poetry club more active, keep the laid back environment, but organize more things than just reading in meetings.
that should do it for now, happy 2009! =]
1) stay in shape/get in better shape, either by working out every day, doing a sport if not dtw, just being more active i guess. i seem to be a laze outside of hip hop class or other dance related places.
2) stay sharp with work even during second semester, dont just blow off senior initiative, dont slack off, even after getting into college.
3) GET HOME ON TIME. (juliet knows what im talking about =P)
4) get into dtw, cuz it's always sooo much fun. (this one's less up to me)
5) in peer leadership, give my freshmen something out of the experience, make them remember or at least not regret the sessions.
6) in piano and dance, get better at improv, be it hip hop, modern, jazz music, i just want to be more original and dynamic.
7) keep writing poetry (obviously), maybe do an epic poem, or something epic with poetry.
8) make poetry club more active, keep the laid back environment, but organize more things than just reading in meetings.
that should do it for now, happy 2009! =]
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