angel

i'm sort of glad u can't see me after i leave u at ur door, angel.

i look so ridiculous, biting my lip to keep from smiling, feeling like some little kindergartener leaving the playground after hearing that a girl LIKE liked him.

"i love you". i feel like i say it so much, i almost wear it out as a phrase, but it never ceases to lose its effect when i hear it from you. =]

sweet dreams angel.

belief

first of all, happy thanksgiving everyone. =]

so, i've been thinking about belief recently. (as in yesterday and today =P) i realize that everyone believes in something. people with religion, obviously, believe in something. even if they don't know exactly what they're following in their religion, they believe that there's something right or worthwhile in their belief.

atheists, or at least the ones i know, seem to justify either their godless beliefs or their somewhat obnoxious denial of others' beliefs with science. but if you think about it, a good amount of science relies on faith. let's say for this blog that faith is believing in something without fully being aware of it. like in a god that is invisible, or, for scientific atheists, the subatomic, unseen particles that supposedly make up all of existence. right now, at least, we can't see molecules and atoms and photons and quarks, etc.

cells are supposed to be the building blocks of life, but we can't see them as cells. we see them as the compositions of cells. amoeba, squirrels, doves, people, trees, dust, everything is made up of something. mind you, i don't remember middle school science that well, so i may be mixing up some scientific terms, but bottom line, if you believe in those subatomic particles that we can't see, feel, or detect in any way, you have faith, in that you believe in something that you have no real proof of.

sometimes, i feel like religion can almost be more believable than science. so much of science deals with things we can't see, either because they're too small, too far away, outside of the spectrum of light which is visible to us, etc., but religion can be based on your experience, and what you feel in your heart. if miracles or inexplicable good things happen to you, belief can explain that, or rather, that can serve as proof of your belief.

the bottom line though, with both religion and science, is that we can't know everything about either. at least, not in a future that i can see happening any time soon. we can't see exactly what the inside of an atom looks like, we can't see God in his/her/their/its truest or natural form, we can't see Him act, we can't see atoms physically make up everything, but for those of us who have belief (virtually all of us), we trust that what we believe in does what is necessary for life to continue. so really, what right does anyone have to say "no, your god or gods don't exist because science has other explanations" if all of the forces and particles and waves that we use to explain everything are as physically invisible to us as a god. there's no way for us to fully know, so why don't we just accept each other's interpretations and live with them just being theories?

time

sometimes, i hate time. today, the morning went by slow as hell, the afternoon was...idk, and the evening went by far too quick.

sometimes i wish i could stay in the present, just a little longer. sometimes i wish i could just enjoy her gaze for another few seconds, just a few. her eyes are so soft and warm. i could honestly stare at them all day. then again, i love eyes in general. if someone would let me, i'd just stare into their eyes, looking for some clue to their existence or personality. shakespeare said "the eyes are the windows to the soul". i like to believe things like that. i'm a romantic fool, so wat. soul passage or no, peoples' eyes are beautiful. from gen's star exploding eyes, to jessy's near black pools of mystery, to russell's changing ice walls, to juliet's sweet brown canvas of emotion.

i got off the subject of time, sorry. =P but maybe that's why i like staring contests so much. i get to look at ppl's eyes closely without making them feel awkward.

ah, i keep digressing. watever. long story short, there never seems to be enough time. for anything. it sucks.

so much stuff

i just realized. NO ONE is great at everything. NO ONE can even do everything there is to do. there's simply just too much. and even though it's an idea that sets a limit to our existence, it also speaks to the unlimited nature of life. i love that.

i love knowing that no matter how much i focus on trying to do everything, i can't. some people i know might not like this fact as much, that no matter how much sleep u skip, u'll never have enough time in your life to master everything, every art form, every sport, every movement of your own body, every way to please someone, be it emotionally or physically, but i'm getting inappropriate.

basically, i like that even though tarik's soooo beyond me in gospel and jazz piano, we both have our own specialties like that. he's a gospel and jazz pianist, which comes with endless amounts of chords and harmonies and disonances, while i'm more classical and....alternative? which comes with more focus on touch with the piano, and feeling the melodies, and phrasing of the pieces and not just the chords and improv harmonies.

and i like that even though cole is soooo beyond me in waving, and isolation stuff, that i'm better than him with foot stuff, i think. (heel-toe, crip walk, he might be a better glider) watever. i jock on him at guitar hero. =P

and finally, i love that i can still goof off and play solitaire and text twist (which i also beast at =]) and be cute and silly with my amazing friends and incredible girlfriend, and still maintain some level of skill in the things i do. i don't have to be the best, because frankly, i don't have the time to devote myself enough to all of the things i do. and i'm totally fine with that. i like being a jack of all trades, even if i don't have the devotion to be king. =]

cuz really, my life in general makes me feel like king of the world anyway =D

swings

it's weird how quickly things can change. how ppl can go from happy to hating humanity in a few hours, minutes even, how ppl can spend years of bottling up their emotions, squashing their issues, giving excuses to their parents for why they're so "distracted", all for the sake of someone else, who can then basically shit on that in unhappiness. it's weird how we can stifle our gut instincts to try and keep others from falling into despair, and its weird how quickly that can go wrong, and how angry thoughts can come. like the fact that he's the main teller of dead baby jokes in the school.

it's weird how guilt and shame can breed angry blog posts. how a few words can make ur body shudder, ur heart sink, and ur head ache, and how u can ask "what can i possibly do against the world she hates". not to say that such stimuli are unreasonable, no. maybe im just tired. good nite, and i'm sorry.

wonderful

philosophy's been making me think a lot about how words work. take wonderful, for example. full of wonder, full of awe, full of mystery, but we find wonderful things beautiful, amazing, lovely, almost as if we're thanking divinity for them.

this weekend was wonderful. at home, it was meh, my family's great, but i did hours of college stuff and piano practice and chores so i could go out, but it was soooooo worth it.

friday: party at gen's house, as always, just me, gen, juliet, jones, jordan, and calvin (juliet's brother), wii, and futurama, and it was waaaaaay more fun than i thought. we talked to jones about his love life, got him on the right track, juliet closed her eyes for a bit, and i once more got to see wat an angel looks like when she sleeps.

saturday: short time at juliet's, playing wii with calvin and sarah, some pretty good pizza, just nice atmosphere. then laura's expectedly awkward party, benihana (free food!!) pictures where my head looked big and awkward (i'll live =P) and some epic model walking. finally, laura's roof, which had the most amazing view. im not one to kiss and tell, but it was by far the most breathtaking experience of my life. the wind, the cold night air, knowing how far above the world we were, holding each other so tight, it was...perfect.

sunday: jesse's party, more delicious free food, more good friends, a semi-footrace (which i won =]) gooooood leftovers, and the most romantic wait for a bus i can remember. =]

finally, ahh, the most incredible goodbye, which left me unaware of my body, my feet feeling strange to be walking on the ground again. i guess that's wat happens when an angel takes u up to heaven for a spell =].

being a guy

i don't like being a guy. we think about sex too much. and when we're conscious of how much more we think like that than other ppl, it's annoying, and we feel like pricks. or at least i do. =P

guys suck

guys are douchebags. there's no getting around it anymore. far too many of us follow our dicks, no matter how other people might be affected, and no matter how much we may care about those other people. sure, we have our moments when we listen to girls' problems and we try to comfort you, but as soon as we feel insulted or our dicks...beckon, we do something insensitive or dickish. this probably still applies to me, but not the point.

basically, women deserve better than us. we don't notice you enough. you try to look pretty for us, you try to be nice to us, to get a point across, and we just don't take the hint. you let us know you're hurting, and maybe we're uncomfortable or don't know what to say, so we change the subject. girls, i'm sorry we as a gender aren't considerate enough to do right by you. as much as you listen to us and pick us up on the rare occasions when we choose to talk about our problems, we just can't be the man you deserve.

i truly wish we as guys were better, but sometimes it's like we're not even trying.

all we are

i've been thinking about this for a loooooong time, but recently tolu and juliet have made me revisit it. who am i?

it's weird, i've been telling my middle school and now high school....followers? i guess u'd say, that high school is about getting an idea of who u r. it's my senior year, and i've definitely come a long way from when i was a freshman. i've started a club, i'm the head of another club, i'm a peer leader, a freshman and sophomore say they wanna be me, and i get compliments almost every day, mostly from the new freshman, saying how i'm the man. i really feel like a king here, and i have the perfect queen. =]

but back to who i am. let's see. my mom has called me a renaissance man, and despite the biased source, i guess that describes me pretty well. i'm a poet, a pianist, a bit of a composer and singer, and an ok dancer.

as for my being a dancer, i've noticed that everyone has a distinct style. jack's a breakdancer, cole's a ridic wave artist, i'd call it, sam's a...pop n locker?, amadi's a krumper, mostly, so is naja, tolu's...hmm, she's got this reli african, bodily flare in every dance, juliet, she's sort of a smooth isolationist, i guess. it's hard to define. and as for me, err, i guess i'm sort of a waver, not as crazy as cole, a bit of a krumper, most of my moves involve chest popping, but i've got some solid foot skills. so idk exactly wat my dance style is, mostly chest and feet. =P

as a poet, i know pretty much exactly wat i am. this is mostly thanks to jessy. i'm a daydreamer of a poet. i take notice of every day things, i see them as beautiful, and i try to put them into words. i also examine people though. their happiness, but mostly their scars and their masks. so i guess i'm an absent-minded psychologist of a poet. =P

as for piano, my god, i went to dinner last night at my sister's friends house, and her mom plays piano, and they had the most AMAZING piano in their living room. it was like 8-10 ft long, which is huge for a piano, this light brown, almost engraved body, and the sound was ahhhh, perfect. the keys didn't stick, they werent loud or clanky, it was a masterpiece of a a piano. as a musician, my strength is my ear, and this goes for piano and singing. i can think of good harmonies, i can pick out almost any song ive heard (except spanish music and stevie wonder, for some reason =P) basically, in piano, i play wat i like. that's wat i focus most on. i have good touch on the keys, cuz i've seen my piano teacher's reaction to me playing sometimes, and she's been teaching for like 40 years, and she thinks i have a gift. so i guess i must have some talent. =]

but as a person, that's a whole other story. i'm sensitive, but i've gotten less emotionally entangled, in terms of sympathizing with others, i dont get as involved with their problems now, like if my friend is going through some rough shit, i don't worry all the time any more, but i still care, so i think i've found a good balance. since freshman year, i've def gained a ton of self-confidence and have become way more outspoken. i'm not afraid to get in a dance circle, but i do have trouble planning my moves, making up original stuff. =P

i've gotten over most of my past insecurities, i know i dont have a six pack, but i'm fine with my belly, it's fun if nothing else, haha. i realize i'm attractive, thanks to my female friends and beginning to wear jeans, quite frankly, and i know im not a genius, but i know im smart. i still think a lot, about life, i like to people watch, just to watch their faces, looking for emotions or reactions or something, not all the time, that'd be creepy, but sometimes.

so let's see if i can sum myself up: i'm a sensitive artist who sometimes talks shit during video games, im a good student who thinks a lot, but sometimes slacks off to hang out with my friends, who i love. i like to make ppl laugh, and listen to their problems to help them feel better, but sometimes, it just feels like alot. it doesnt stop me from listening, but sometimes i just dont go out of my way to listen to them. so i guess im a good friend, but not the perfect friend, i dont always have the best advice, but i try, and i guess my worst trait is that i think of things sexually too much. =P it's nothing i act on really, but i have a dirty mind sometimes. nothing disgusting, just unnecessary sometimes, but maybe that's just me being a guy. but all in all, i like who i am, i like my life, i love my friends, and i love my girlfriend. oh, which reminds me, i love looking at peoples eyes and trying to watch people think. which is why blogs are awesome. they let u inside someone's head. ok, long long post over. that is me, in a...big nutshell. =]

weird

hmm, so a lot has happened since the last post, i think. i asked juliet out, it's been incredible, we've said i love you, and besides my boyish kryptonite, it's absolutely perfect.

that kryptonite of my boyhood is what this post is about. WARNING: you may find this post brutally honest and out of character for me. i've had some stuff on my mind and i feel like getting it out. sorry, but this is straight from me. i've been looking back at my relationship with chigozie a few times. not in longing, or regret, or anything, i just don't feel that way about her anymore, and i feel like i'm seeing our relationship for what it really was. i'm starting to see how much lust there really was between us, how in a one year+ long relationship, i only kissed her at her door the night we got together, (she was afraid someone would see and tell her mom, who's fanatically religious, long story, blah) and that the only reason we'd have late night conversations is that she could talk FOREVER.

that's part of why this relationship with juliet is incredible. not to compare her to chigozie, but we have way more in common (including height, which quite frankly makes kissing much easier =P), she doesnt dominate conversations, and she's unbelievably sweet. i've never met someone who can go, for lack of a better term, toe to toe with me with romantic little exchanges. and she's so sweet and sincere, so I know she means it. also, she goes to school with me, so i get to see her every day, which is soooooooooooo great, and unlike chigozie, i know her entire family, and i don't feel like a secret.

and her eyes are so beautiful, as is the rest of her. my only regret is that she wears hats so often, so i can't see the color of her eyes as well as possible. being with her is so unbelievable though. holding her hand just feels right, and making her smile and laugh just---ahhhhh. i was listening to, well, its sort of our song, "won't stop" by one republic, and my heart was just soaring. i felt in peace and ecstasy at the same time, and i was just so happy to have her.

honestly, being with her, i feel like i'm thinking with my heart, and not my dick. not that i do the second that often, but i have at times, but with her, even though i'm...very attracted to her, i know my feelings are genuine and not just lust.

finally, there's something else on my mind, but it's more of a personal thing with her and with me, and it should stay that way. plus, i feel like a dick even thinking about it. so i guess i didn't talk about my boyhood weakness, or not even, my flaw of being a guy, which i'm frankly quite annoyed with, because it makes me feel like guys r perceived to be: shallow, sexual, etc. oh well. things r still amazing. =]

sorry

i'm sorry. to all women everywhere. i'm sorry men seem to see u as just sexual objects, things we want, but plenty of guys in the past have tried treating you like people. ladies, think of a close friend of yours who was a straight guy. he was always so sweet, listening to you, doing schoolwork with you, holding doors open, comforting you when guys were douches to you, and just being there for you, as a friend should. ok, there's at least a 75% or so chance that guy was CRAZY about you at some point.

sure, part of his being crazy about you was because he was sexually attracted to you, and that probably affected how he saw you, just like it would any guy, because he was like many guys. but despite that possibly lustful admiration of you, he was still a friend. just cuz he was attracted to you, it didn't keep him from being there for you, always.

maybe one day he told you how he felt, that he had a crush on you, or god forbid, loved you. =P and you were shocked. you'd never thought of him like that. he was always so nice, and treated you so well, why would you be interested in a guy like that?

i could easily be wrong, but that's my theory on why MEN are dicks. when we were BOYS, we were nice to you, got close to you, somehow fell for you, and you didn't see us in that light. and that hurts. trust me. it never gets easier, hearing "but you're really sweet" "any girl would be lucky to date you" etc, from the girl you care so much about. and im not saying that women don't get hurt like that, but for some reason, it seems to happen to guys more. maybe we're more susceptible to falling for those close to us, who knows. but bottom line, when we were nice, we were friends, and nothing more.

but guys have needs, unfortunately. and those needs were not met by being nice to you ladies. we were hurt, and angry, and we became dicks to not get stuck as "just friends". it seemed like a good idea at the time, and maybe the first few women responded well to the change, probably cuz they saw it just as flirting, playful. but we gained faith in that method, i guess, and we continued to use it. it worked, and we were satisfied, at least sexually. but by this time, we saw emotions as less than helpful, so we were ok to neglect them in our sexual pursuits.

and so hurt boys became horny men who became numb dicks. sorry, if i sound like i'm bitching, i'm bitching about my past, not my present. again, i could be COMPLETELY wrong, this doesn't necessarily hold true for all men, but i can think of at least 4 men for whom it does/did. nice guys do get overlooked, and that's why we seem to be in such short supply. my apologies, ladies of the world who have been wronged by my gender.

manhood

being a guy is weird. being a girl is harder, undeniably, but guys have a pretty bad reputation, at least from the female point of view. but they have a point. a lot of guys talk about girls like they're objects. "i'd tap that" "she's got such a great body" etc. things get more complicated when guys become friends with girls, and they share views of men with us.

it's weird, cuz sometimes, a girl's just like "wow, he's hot" or "i'd fuck him", and then they get pissed at guys for looking at them just like objects. sure, girls are right to get pissed at guys, cuz we are worse, in that men think of women sexually probably a lot more than women think of men sexually, and that men act on those thoughts, pursuing the sexual experience, A LOT more than women do. but you're further objectifying us by thinking of us as sleezes or sketches for how we go about it, just like we objectify women when we call them sluts or bitches because of how they act.

but with guys, i like to think it's not all about sex. sometimes, we see a beautiful girl, and sure, we're attracted sexually, but i hope that at least 1 in 5 times, we just want to know your name, to start. but yea, men r pigs, we're driven by sex far too much, but we do have to put ourselves out there for non-sexual things too. like when we genuinely like a girl, we cant rely on them to make the first move most of the time, and then, the girl could think we're sketchy, or ugly, or unappealing in some way, shape or form, and it can get to us. oh wait, but men r pigs, and if we're only driven by sex, feelings should have no effect, right? hmm, but then again, i'm probably still a boy, so maybe i can have feelings. yay?

i dont even know why i wrote this. i'll probably delete it soon. sorry.

girls

this may not hold for all guys, but it's how i see it.

when guys are in a relationship with someone we care about or respect, be it romantic or just friendly, sometimes it feels like we're on a pedastal with a not so sturdy base. the higher ur opinion of us, the higher the pedastal, and the higher chance we have to fall from ur grace.

when we care about u, we want to be your superman. we want to take care of u, help u out at least, and most of all, seem invincible. we (or at least me) get scared sometimes that if we show fear or break down in front of u, u'll lose respect for us, or get scared by our emotions, and leave. obviously, we don't want that, so sometimes we bottle up how we feel. we dont tell u straight out, but we still feel it, so we get sort of passive aggressive so that we can get our point accross without showing the weakness of sharing our turmoil. we're like little kids throwing tantrums or scowling in the corner just to get attention and to get taken care of.

but there's still the father figure in us who wants to provide and be a pillar of strength, who, even when the world is falling apart, wants to keep the children calm and look like we have everything under control, so sometimes we just shut down, and ignore or try to repress our emotions. completely. so we don't show how we feel at all, we just stop showing that we feel. we think we're protecting you by bearing our own burdens, because we don't want to whine and bitch to you, because we're supposed to take care of u, stay level-headed and stay strong for u.

but no matter how much we dislike it, guys do feel, and so we try to cope in those ways. with us, it builds up and builds up to, until we either burst out, telling everything, crying to ourselves, breaking down in ur arms, or emptying ourselves. it's like a sun in supernova. we have all this pent up energy, and we have to get rid of it. so we either burn, by ourselves, or burning others with us, or we implode and become vaccuuous, a black hole where we used to feel.

again, i could be wrong, and i may have gotten carried away with the metaphors, but to all women who get confused by men, i hope this helps.

blogsecret

jessy mentioned some post secret things with 6 letters, so i figured i'd give it a shot.

can i be anything without her?

am i just full of shit?

can i save them, and myself?

will i see what others see?

should i give in, or fight?

i dont know why i question.

stones and pillows

the more i think about these analogies, the more sense they make.

sensitive guys are like pillows: rather thin surface, not great at hiding wat's within, filled with feathers, which are the parts of birds which help them fly. think of it as hopeful thought and a sort of transcendence of spirit. our insides are the stuff of birds, soaring anywhere, up into the sky, yearning towards the cosmos, inside we feel and remember possibility, hope, and freedom. pillows can also take quite a bit of punishment, they feel the impact, but can be fluffed back up. people cry into pillows, they beat them. pillows provide emotional and physical outlets.

smooth, less emotional guys are like stones: tough surface, difficult to penetrate, but even when they get broken, they're still stone on the inside, just a smaller slab. inside, stones are compressed sediment, created over time by pressure, a condensed mix of experience translated into a certain structure. stones are formed by time, and how nature affects them, and they're hard on the outside and inside, but not hollow.

a stone

songs stick with me pretty easily. this one's about "a stone" by okkervil river.

so i figure, there are two "special?" types of guys: the heartbreakers, and the heartbroken. the heartbreakers are generally stones. smooth, but hard, nearly inpenetrable, strong, stoic, stony, basically. the heartbroken are different. this blog's mostly trying to define what they are. let's see, they're soft, sorta malleable (lead-on-able), emotional, easily broken or torn, but persistent...sponge? not quite.

hmm...maybe the heartbroken are like pillows. we're willing to sacrifice ourselves to break the fall of those we support, we serve the function of punching bags, projectiles, we're generally soft, we give comfort to a point, but its more constant and less appreciated than the safety a stone seems to give. i guess it makes sense when you think about it. pillows are nice and soft, but you can only make pillow forts, which aren't very protective. while stones can become castles, making you feel safe, and like a queen, and it seems just to protect you.

hmm, pillow still doesn't seem right. oh well, i'll give it more thought.

hero

i want to save, or at least help people. i see that as my noble mission in life. i have this self-righteous/selfless/wanting to be of service/self-martyring/tragic hero wish/complex.

i guess it started when i was younger, and still terrified of my mom. my sister still took piano back then, and she'd cry at the piano while practicing and my mom would yell at and hit her, and she'd cry more, and i'd sit terrified doing homework, too afraid to try and help her.

high school sorta rekindled this desire to save people. luckily, i soon became surrounded with people i thought i could save. unfortunately, i could not/still can not save them.

miranda: couldn't even get through to her, tried to make her happy, even fixed her up with chris davidson when she had a crush on him and i had a crush on her, couldn't do shit, gave up.
russell: isn't really self-destructive, but i tried to help him by fixing him up with julia. he said he wanted someone who'd like him for him, i thought julia would appreciate his relationship wanting and sensitive self. he ended up realizing that he's not the kind of person for relationships or something, she ended up hating him, or not, idk anymore. basically, huge backfire, guilt, emotional disconnect, couldn't help my best friend, gave up.
julia: had rough break-up with kenta, wanted a relationship and someone to take care of her. i thought russell would do that, tried to fix them up. things were great for a few months, she said we'd made her whole again, i couldn't be happier, even though at the beginning weird feelings for her started coming back. now she's smoking again, her and russell are on weird terms, i don't know if she's eating, she looks thinner and thinner, reminiscently so of miranda. she's stubborn too, so i give up.
jessy: just tried the little things, staying late afterschool, skipping classes to hang out with her. now i'm scared they'll kick me out of pl and my mom will get reli pissed, and i really want to be a pl. but i feel guilty because i want to save or help people, and i've already failed at that so much, with my sister, with my friends, even with my mentee. i feel like jessy's the only one left, so i focus all my stupid heroism on her. but then i'm scared of the consequences, and i feel like both choices, (hanging out or not, skipping obligations or not) define who i am, either the dedicated friend, or the good student, and i know i'm taking it too seriously, but i've always done that. thus, i feel like i'm sacrificing my time to save my friends, but neither of which seems to be accomplishing much, and my time isn't all that valuable, so i'm just being overly dramatic about missing classes and crap, but i still feel guilty if i neglect my friends for classes, or if i neglect my classes for friends, because that's how i see it.

so i want to be a hero, but i feel weak, and i want to sacrifice, cuz i feel it might make me more able to help my friends, but i'm not sacrificing much of actual importance, but i still feel like a martyr because my vision of good and bad is exaggerated, i guess.

and in the end, i guess part of me wants to be taken care of, not that my friends don't do that, but i feel like sometimes it's not fair to ask them to if i feel like they need saving, which most of the time they don't, and when they actually do, i don't seem to be able to do much. some hero i am. =P

the idea of god

i guess this really started a few days ago, when i had a lab with mr glassman about my thoreau paper. in walden, thoreau seems to see god, or some beauty semi-divine in nature, and it struck me as almost pantheistic, which i sorta subscribe to. more than any other religion anyway. i figure that the beauty in nature is so perfect and singular that its hard to believe its all a coincidence, that there's some divine force within it, if not behind it. maybe life itself is divine, god-given. that would be convenient. =P

so anyway, it turns out thoreau never had a specific religious belief. and that was a huge relief. because i really really admired how he thought, and felt, and wrote. he saw so much beauty in life, like i always try to, and he articulated it sophisticatedly, which i dont reli try to do, but it would be nice.

and it got me thinking. maybe some people dont believe in religion. i mean sure, everyone believes in something. (i've also been listening to that john mayer song belief some this week) if you believe in god, as creator, or guardian, or watever, that's wat u believe in. or if u believe in the devil, or that there's no god, that's still a belief. but during yesterday's service, there was a "moment of meditation" where we were supposed to reflect on god and his grace and blah blah blah.

i technically did that, well, i reflected on the idea of god, and the purpose of religion. i realized that religion, and the idea of god, is a catalyst. it triggers feelings in people. it causes direction, safety, anger, joy, and most of all, hope.

i had a conversation with my dad about this on the way back, and i feel it relates to jessy's blog entry recently. and now that i think about it, russell told me something like this before, when explaining how he's atheist/agnostic, cuz he says he respects others religions, but he doesnt seem to like the idea behind folloing a religion. religion gives people a sense of security. the idea of a god makes people think that, even though they're inperfect and flawed, there's some greater being who's in charge and he's perfect and wise and so everything will turn out ok because he's running the show, so all we have to do is follow him and not question his plan, because we're just humans, what do we know? god is a symbol of order, or direction, of stability for the universe, which is why people feel they have a purpose when they communicate with or follow what they believe to be god.

so god is like a giant, invisible security blanket. he reli is like the father or mother. strong, capable, and able to make everything ok. at some point. i guess we reli on god even more when we're unsure or unsteady of ourselves.

but sometimes religion seems blind. there's no real proof, so we reli on passion and fervor in our told direction to drive us down the path "god" has put out for us. now i'm not saying don't believe in god, just make sure you have a reason. i mean, sure, my reason isn't great, but i don't reli believe in a "god", persay. i like to think there's something, some natural intelligence simpler but greater than ours in all that's around us. the way the stars twinkle, the way the sun shines, the way the moon glows, the way leaves and clouds and the ocean catches all of these lights and reflects them so beautifully, and how we humans are constructed not only to see them, but to enjoy them. i guess i think god was like our designer. he wrote our blueprints, but had no idea wat material we each would be made out of, so left it for us to navigate the program he put in our minds, which includes infinite possibility. possibility for hope, fear, obedience, defiance, questioning, joy, sorrow, and most of all, uncertainty. =P

religion

i went to a church service yesterday. nobody i went with seemed to want to be there. not even my mom, which was a surprise. the music was good, uplifting, i guess, but the rest was pretty boring and seemed almost delusional. my dad's best friend's sister is a congresswoman from texas, and she was at the service, which is why we had to go, and she was only mentioned one time without the word congresswoman.

it was just like the last time we went to a church. my dad's best friend's aunt, and my dad's godaunt had passed. she'd had 2 heart attacks, traveled the world, and done many things to help people. i'd only met her a few weeks before she passed, and she seemed so tired when we met her. luckily she seemed ready to pass, and i think she was happy to see my dad before she did.

but anyway, at the funeral there was all this pomp and circumstance, and i now see the connection between pomp and pompous because of that. people performed, of all things. at a funeral. this woman sang a song "for val" (the woman who passed), and this guy who was supposed to have known her like a mother sang a song, and both of them smiled all through the songs. it was actually disgusting. i started to nod off during the funeral, which isnt a great thing, but im glad i missed some of the posturing. nobody except the woman's sister, who was my dad's godmother seemed to be sad, despite all the incredible things they said she'd done for the church and others.

and the congresswoman, how could i forget. CONGRESSWOMAN shiela jackson lee. it was so shallow. i was sitting near her brother, who we call uncle mike, and who was also nephew to val, but he wasn't mentioned a single time. congresswoman shiela was simply mentioned to be in the church that day about 7 times. ok, fine, apparently, she's accomplished and has made change in the world, but a funeral is not the place to celebrate her presence, and to ignore the presence of other relatives of the dearly departed.

but back to the church service yesterday. shiela gave a speech about washington, and hope, and change, and god, and how he looks out for us. it seemed kinda barack obamaesque, but not as good, and involving the conscious concern of a divine being. and i couldn't help thinking how much she believed of what she spoke. was she just posturing too? just putting in god because she was in a church, with people who felt that god was watching over them. it really made me wonder about the power of religion, and how it affects what people do and say, but i'll continue this in another blog. this one's getting long.

beautiful day

today was beautiful. the flowers were blooming, the trees were all bursting and colorful, and the sky was bright and hopeful. i passed the spot where i first told chigozie i loved her and realized that that was almost 9 months ago. even though it was so long ago, the spot was just as beautiful if not more so, and the sun shone blindingly from behind the church where i looked up to and thanked god or nature or something for what an amazing person i'd been blessed with.

yea, it's been a pretty good day.

don't jump

i would cry. a lot. i know i would. i might be able to carry on, but i'd truly be devastated. so don't jump. please. cuz i know i'm not the only one who would cry, and i can think of at least 2 ppl who might try to kill themselves if u died, (julia, miranda) and one who undoubtedly would try to leave this world to get to u. (fred)

cloudless skies

idk wat it is about cloudless skies, but they always unsettle me. the more i look at them, the more unnatural they seem. i feel like it's too peaceful, but not quite, it's just sorta bland, like harry grabow when he's not being a tool.

i love looking at clouds. the way the move amongst each other, with different sizes, speeds, and the way they come apart, reattach, and are changing every second. but i love it best when clouds catch the light of the sun, and they just glow like beautiful, fluffy sky lanterns. =]

clouds give the sky many things: depth, variety of the celestial landscape, color, and majesty. clouds just look so regal, when they're rising and moving near the sun or moon, overwhelming it, overshadowing it (haha, pun), and just glowing. tis a beautiful thing. =]

idk, i guess in my mind, a sky without clouds is like a person without problems in their life. no physical or mental obstructions, just glaring light, nothing hiding who or what they are. it's bland. i've never met anyone who i could compare like that too, maybe a baby, but still, its fun to wonder wat baby's are thinking about, if anything. i like clouds, and people with problems, because there's something to figure out with them. they're not just straightforward with everything. granted, jessy was like that the first day we met, which took me off guard at first, but it worked out. =P

with clouds, as well as people with problems, though, there has to be a balance. most days (like most people) have clouds (problems =P), but if there's too much in their life, its like a completely cloudy sky, barely any sun, and a high chance of rain (tears), and if it doesnt rain, its just dismal. at least if there is precipitation, u know there's a reason for the overcast skies of their souls (yay cheesy poetic language! =]) and if the person has too much going on, its like their sun (soul, heart, mind, all 3) is being concealed by their clouds, but its not easy for someone to just clear away the obstructions. it's their sky, they have to clear it or increase the cloud cover.

but again, clouds move, clouds change, and clouds have different sizes and depths. everyone has problems, i hope, but they're all different, and they all have the potential to either cloud your sky beyond all recognition or understanding, or catch the light from your sun and make your sky shine with all possible beauty, even causing happiness to those who may view it. =]

P.S. i had no idea that metaphor would work out so well. yay chance! =]

selfish selflessness

ok, well, the basic jist is this: sometimes, i feel like i try to do a lot for you, but it never helps, or it never seems to....count? in ur mind, i guess.

wat got to me 2nite was when u were talking about getting the tattoo, and u said u wanted dave/russell to go with u. and it kinda hurt not seeing my name there. i mean, the more understanding part of me thought "ok, she probably wants physical comfort, which isn't quite my strong point." but still, that's one of my biggest insecurities, so the more emotional side felt pain.

idk, i guess i'm just a little pissed cuz i feel like i do a lot to try and help u. cut dance classes (the one b4 spring break, that was more about me being worried about u than anything else, and i payed for that, but watever), cutting classes (never want Glassman to yell at me like that again, scary), staying late (admittedly, most of those times were just me not wanting to leave), and blowing off work (laziness on my part).

ur my best friend jessy, and one of the things i want most in the world is to see u happy. this may seem hypocritical, but i really don't want u to feel guilty because of this post. idk, i'm indulging the part of me that likes attention for the good i try to do for ppl.

the point may be muddled, but i just want u to feel that ur not alone, cuz i'm almost always looking out for u.

forever

i realized something yesterday. i was thinking about what jessy said, and realized that she's right. i do live in the present. when i watch the clouds go by, i dont think about how long they'll be there for me to look at them, or how long they'll be moving in front of the sun, catching their light and framing the sky perfectly. when i look at trees, i dont think how long until they bloom, i just enjoy the white buds about to flower.

the only thing i really worry about losing are people. i question my own mortality almost any time i'm alone. i think of random possibilities of how i could die at that moment, not in fear, or sadness, but just in acceptance, i guess, of how life can be here one moment, gone the next, so u might as well enjoy the moment now, cuz it may be your last. MUWAHAHAHA. =P

time

a while ago i realized that nothing lasts forever. especially not relationships. either someone's gonna fall out of love or friendship, or find someone better, or die. it's gonna end eventually, even if it's till death, unless u die at the same time, but that doesnt mean u shouldn't enjoy it while it lasts. if u know its gonna end, that should, i think, give u more incentive to enjoy wat u have while u have it. sure that's not always easy when u know a relationship has an end, especially if the love doesnt, but that's life. even life ends. we all die at some point, does that mean we should kill ourselves now and save time the trouble? no. it means we should find the garden, frolic in it while we can, and then watch the sunset reflecting on the day we've had, good or bad.

sure, maybe u and i will lose contact after college, and sure, maybe i won't be ur best man. but i'd still like to, and i'm not gonna quit being ur friend just cuz we might not be friends forever. and nothing's set in stone, but i know that if i keep in contact with anyone from dalton, it's gonna be u. definitely. and like i said with the relationships post, remember the chris davidson episode? after all that, i still got turned down, but that didn't stop me from being miranda's friend. so u'll have to do a heck of a lot worse than push me away to really get rid of me.

sure, friends and lovers come and go, forever's not set in stone, but brothers and sisters aren't so easily lost and forgotten. =]

relationships

wow. i thought my past relationships sucked. leading myself on with 2 girls named hannah, falling in love with one (i think), asking out the second after asking out her best friend. classy.

oh, and of course, the asking out of best friends. lily wen, miranda, almost julia. and then fixing up miranda with chris davidson while liking her, and fixing up julia with russell before i knew i was over her. i've reli....i dont even know wat. fuck sarcasm, i'm a douche. i've cried over girls, prayed for girls, clawed at myself, punched walls, and wrote a shitload of poems. has it all been coincidence? am i sabotaging myself on purpose to repent? or am i just desperate? i've only lucked out with chigozie, and now i've put a time frame on our relationship.

part of me wants to end it, part of me never wants to let her go again. when we talked about wat it would be like to see each other with someone else after we ended it, i just felt so empty. like seeing another guy's hands on her would make me feel angry and jealous and possessive, but seeing her laugh or even smile at another guy would just make me feel empty. i love her, i know i do. "so why are u together?"

....sometimes i wonder that too.

haha, irony

"I will turn the page with a feeling of satisfaction, knowing who died at the end, who lived, who loved and who lost, so when I say goodbye, it's not a half-assed, remorseful one, but a genuine, loving, gentle, happy goodbye. And a genuine hello to the world that awaits me."
-Jessica Watters

who died:miranda
who lived:julia
who loved:jake
who lost:...russell.

to my friend

ok, true, u probably fool me a lot more than i realize, but i think i know u enough to tell a little bit why you're angry. when u were talking to me about going on a break with fred, i remember u saying that wat u wanted more than anything was for him to tell u no, he needed u. and first of all, he did, and does need u, and i'm guessing he didn't say much against the idea because ur the world to him. the exact same thing happened to julia. she wanted to break up with her bf, she wanted him to say no, but he said ok because he wanted wat was best for her and would make her happiest. its the same with fred, and most if not all guys who will ever care about u or another girl.

(i'm gonna act like i know it all now):girls like to be fought for, but they dont want to tell guys, they just want them to get it and fight through fire and hell and other rough shit for them. but unfortunately, most guys dont get that. if we care a lot about a girl (like fred and i do about u), and u want to push us away, we'll let u if we think it'll help u, despite its effect on us, which would usually suck.

i do accept too quickly, cuz i'm not a huge fan of confrontation. i get that from my dad. he's pretty passive or passive aggressive most of the time, and i guess i am a lot too. my mom's the aggressive one, and gets into fights with people a bit, but i guess it could be worse. and sure, u r manipulative, and that's rarely a nice thing, but ur not a bitch. and just trust me on this one. i may be blinded by ur good qualities, but that's only because there's plenty of them, and as i told u, i think u sell urself short.

ok, i guess the whole jealousy subject is weird for me, not cuz i dont see my worth, i think i do a lot more than i used to thanks to u, but i'm just not used to ppl being jealous of me. i'm a good pianist and poet sure, and i do other stuff well too, but im jealous of u 2. and dont say i shouldnt be. i think ur mind is more beautiful than mine. like remember that poem i showed u, with the line "his heart spoke thought in poetry" that was about u. ur thoughts are beautifully organized, whether u want to accept that compliment or not, u r attractive. very much so. just ask fred. the funny thing, i think i got that from my dad, he's hilarious, and the charming thing, idk, i guess in middle school i tried the whole reclusive thing, didn't work, and now i have friends who i feel i can be myself with. and sure, things get awkward sometimes, but watever.

ok, maybe part of me was a little annoyed with u, but its probably cuz u've been worrying about me so much, but i guess i see myself as the one who's supposed to worry, and i feel even now that time spent worrying about myself, trying to see if anything's wrong in my life, is time wasted. not that i dont feel i deserve to have problems, but if life's good, i dont feel like i need to sweat the small stuff, u know?

i guess i hate the thought of u spending time worrying about me. the last thing i want to do is cause u trouble or pain, but i guess i'm also jealous that u can see through me so easily, and u know me better than i know u or myself. dont get me wrong, its reli helpful, but sometimes i wish i had ur clarity of seeing ppl.

i know i focus on the best in ppl, partly cuz i want to accept them or forgive them or something, and part of me probably wants to protect my innocence from thinking that the world is awful. but i love all of my friends, despite their flaws, cuz i know i have to accept all of them, or at least as much as my heart wants to accept. sure, my optimism may get me hurt, and has, but im okay with that. i'll accept the consequences, because i'd rather be more accepting than critical of people. there u go, ur not a bitch, u just see a lot in ppl, and ur critical or their flaws.its like being extra perceptive and seeing all the little bumps and obstructions on ppl's faces.

yea, i'm jealous of russell. i wish i weren't, but i cant help it. he accels in the aspect of life im most insecure about in my self. sure, i have good qualities, but there's a part of me that likes to be the best at everything, which i kinda hate, but u know. i didnt have my first kiss till 16, i was turned down by every girl i asked out in middle school (and freshman and sophomore year), while he has been a pimp practically forever, and has made out (and gone out) with arguably the 2 best looking girls i asked out. and u've been where i am too, can u reli blame me for being jealous? =/

sigh. yea, maybe i'm wasting my time on russell. i've let our friendship become pretty shallow, but he's still my friend. ur guys' drama isn't stupid, i know stupid drama. (aka, alyssa, amanda, shariss) sure, i'll probably have my own stuff to deal with, we all will. but by then, i'll probably have other friends to listen to me, or i'll be able to handle it myself, so dont worry about it.

ok, i have felt like u've been pushing me away a bit, but i've been doing that too. but don't u ever think that i won't keep in touch with u. unless u change ur cell #, we're definitely going to be talking, and i might even have internet access where i'm going to college. jessy, ur like a sister to me. ur my best friend, and if i'm keeping in touch with anyone from high school, it's gonna be u. k? so don't push me away. besides, im not that easily gotten rid of. =]

nyc forecast

the sky's kinda cloudy today, but it's bluer than yesterday. we'll see how things go.

weird day

the sky was cloudy and whitish gray today. it fit at first. we didnt seem to be talking, and barely making eye contact. it made me really sad, but i cant say i was surprised after our convo last night. i feel like i said too much, or spoke too selfishly, idk. oh well, things are better now, and the day ended well.

idk, but i guess if she reads this, i just want to tell her that she means alot to me. she's my best friend, and she's like a sister to me. i've said that to other ppl, but i mean it the most with her. she's my favorite person to hang out with, sullen, drunk, angry, crying, watever. she's not just my sometimes friend. she's my always best friend, and we dont have to talk about watever's going on to still be friends, and she doesnt have to be her happiest for us to hang out. (hintidy hint hint) =]

guilt

i don't know what hurts more. knowing I ruined her first good mood in a while, hearing a sum of wat she's been going through lately and knowing it may not be all, or knowing that nothing i can say or do will help.

of the 3 things that almost made me cry this weekend, this has been the worst, but the least tear-provoking.

it's weird. when my friends are going through shit, i only seem to cry when i pray for them. it's a different kind of pain, not like with samantha or hannah, or even ariel. i just feel empty, weak. almost physically so.

a big part of me doesn't want her to read this, cuz i know it won't help, but i feel like getting this out somewhere, and being selfish. ta. da.

first post

i was just thinking, which i do a lot, and writing in that little leather book should just be for poems, not so much just thinking. hence, blog.

i figured i needed to cyber vent cuz i just started crying playing piano. i feel like this first blog is gonna sound pretentious, or pissy, so just bear with me. (bear? bare? watever)

my chest felt weird right after i cried. like i'd just gotten punched. not quite the physical manifestation of emotional pain, but that was there too. i've been trying to describe the physical-emotional pain recently, but it's tricky. the pain changes with the reason. if its cuz of love, then its like a burning in my chest, same with anger i guess, but i've never been that angry. and when its sadness, its more like a weight in ur chest, making it harder to move, like ur in the ocean, with an anchor in ur chest, and ur sinking. and when u feel useless, or helpless, or something-less, its like u have that weight, but u've given up swimming back to the surface, so u just feel empty and weightless. it's not much more fun, especially if ur primary function as a person is feeling. =P

so that's where i am right now, but its stupid, cuz im not even the one with the problem. she's my best friend, and when i read her blog it said she doesnt write, she just thinks, and if that's true, i dont get how she can look at how her thoughts flow, and think she's nothing special. she's one of the most amazing ppl i've ever met, and by far the most unforgettable. it's weird, but when we talk in starbucks or something, it's almost like the young adventurous person who has climbed the mountaintop to seek the wise council of the guru or something. and she's the guru, but she's in pain. her head is bowed, weighed down by how much she knows, and her eyes look into space, having seen too much in too little time.

ow. ow. (chest throbs? it's been awhile) ms. preuss was right. i do internalize this stuff. does that make me better or worse than him? hmm, probably neither. u cant compare apples to pineapples. one is plain, juicy i guess, could be sour on the inside, but there's always some outside indication. but with pineapples, they always have those pines sticking out, and it's harder to tell wat's going on on the inside just from looking at the outside. and they could be as sour or as sweet as possible on the inside, but u have to be let in, either by finding the chink that lets u see the inside (like a notebook or something =P), or simply cutting in there by force. but be careful, cuz u might get ur finger caught. unfortunately, i have neither knife nor sight to effectively see into the pineapple. oh well, there's always the pear. sometimes overlooked, it can be very juicy and sweet, though biting into it often leaves less than pleasant residue.

ok, enough metaphors, blog entry #1, complete. i guess i feel a bit better. i wonder how she's doing....