poem

so i haven't posted in a month, and i haven't posted a poem since goodness knows when, and since i'm in a writing poetry class with fucking poet laureate richard wilbur (it's ok, be impressed =P) i figure i should post.

now that i think of it, we're writing a poem a week for this class, so maybe i'll just post them up here too every week. we'll see how long it lasts.

Solidarity
The clouds now gather over light,
As something is about to fall.
A gravity pulls down the wall
And dims a star no longer bright.

The sky's a saturated grey,
A weighted, guilty weariness.
Whatever sin need be confessed,
Her disposition soft betrays.

Then, drop by drop, the tears descend,
A whispering into a yell.
The thunder booms, a flashing tell
That charged emotions now contend.

The wind strips down the mighty trees,
And tugs at every blade of grass,
The earth but waits, her rage will pass;
Ever the diva, ever the tease.

The skies subside, the sun returns,
And heaven seems to smile again.
The ground takes solace, as her friend,
Forgotten in his cuts and burns.

-Daydreamer

merry christmas

so yea, i didn't forget it was christmas =]

as always, i wish everyone all the happiness and love and peace that i feel we each deserve everyday. we just happen to pick today to go all out in giving that to others. still, keep this cheer and good spiritedness towards ourselves and others as fresh as possible all year round.

why u ask? why not? =D

happy holidays.

chick flicks (expected)

ok, so i saw the notebook and he's just not that into you in the same week, and i loved them both. surprise surprise.

it's been too long since i've blogged, but i don't know where to begin. ok, the notebook was pure beauty from beginning to end, and even though i could predict almost everything in the movie, i still cried at the end. too touching an ending. couldn't handle it.

i expected he's just not that into you to be cheesy, predictable, and cliche, but i really liked it. the ending was bittersweet, as to where the characters ended up (alone or with someone). the right people ended up happy though. they weaved the characters together pretty well, and they set up the romances nicely. all in all, i'd watch it again. but i feel like the notebook is one of those movies that will just stick with me to the point that i won't need to see it again.

err, updates, updates.... college is still great, finals weren't so bad. a little stressful, but as my upperclassmen friends showed me, it'll be worse soon enough. =P i'm writing poetry as always, playing piano as always, i'm probably gonna audition for one of the dance groups up there next semester, oh, and i'm singing my ass off. =]

i'm not gonna lie, i love it at amherst, and that doesn't look like it's gonna change. but it's always good to be home with the ppl i love. i hope i see every person who gets to read this b4 i go back on the 8th. =]

catharsis

thanks dad, for teaching me the word for a huge change right before going off to college, cuz it's starting to kick in. the parties are just starting to get monotonous, and people are acting kinda crazy. it's good tho, cuz there are always zumbyes and bluesox (the zumbyes' sister group) willing to chill less maniacally, and these guys ryan and azlan are more or less two distinct possibilities of what i'll be like as a senior.

i miss you ny ppl, it's weird trying to find a sort of home in every aspect of life here, but i'm working on it, and hopefully things will solidify soon. but for now, i'm just getting fucking pissed off at how 90% of the time, ppl can't fathom having fun without getting trashed. i actually threw my phone and punched a wall the other day and almost caused dorm damage. it wasn't just cuz of this, but it pushed me over the edge for a bit. first time i've been mad since coming here.

ugh. ok, better now. =]

new stuffs

so i figured it was time to blog again, if for no other reason to mix up the posts that are up now. they're all kinda heavy, and i feel like i'm in a fog lately, so maybe if i blog more often, i can see what's in my head an make more sense of it. only time will tell.

so i'm back in ny, it's weird. riding in the bus back into the city, there were some clouds that had been streaked across the sky in lines, like a barbecue grill, and the sunset behind them made them look red. it was sort of disconcerting, like the sky was smeared with blood. oh well, i doubt it's a reliable omen for the next two days (knock on wood). new york was just as congested, chaotic, and loud as i thought it would be, and i already miss being able to make eye contact with people. =[

the cab ride back sort of gave me a headache, idk if it was the noise, the smelly air, or the speed of the cab ride itself, but it just reminded me that i'm truly not a city boy at heart. i'm too lazy/relaxed/slow paced for this place, but it is my home. oh well.

it's funny, i realized that i'd tried to disown ny because when i thought back, i had a very biased image of it. congested, crowded, rude ppl, polluted, too much commercialism, too hectic and fast paced. i mean, all of that is right, but ny's also really artistic, and parts of it are as beautiful as other parts are...not. =P i guess you just have to take the good with the bad. welcome home.

blah

just had to get that last post out, momentary lapse in happiness. most things are great here, parties and shit just gets confusing sometimes. that's all. =P

confusion

what is it? it's like they're members of some amazing, secret cult that can tell when others aren't. but it's not even a secret, they wear it on their sleeves, they talk about it, splitting everyone into us or them. they look out for their own, so to speak, and shun others from their sacred practices. ugh, it's so fucking annoying.

why do they think it makes them better? half the time it wasn't about trust, and the other half it just happened too early, for the wrong reasons, and regrets piled upon regrets, was it really worth gaining those first few years of superiority before the cult runs its course and just becomes commonplace? someone, please enlighten me, as i am a woeful, uneducated, timid thing, not worth your attention or your indulgence.

fuck you.

glass

(disclaimer: juliet, this is not about u. i never doubt that i loved you)

sometimes, most of the time, guys are stupid. we can't tell u how we feel, so we act out, or ignore you, or hook up. idk about the last one personally, but watever. in accordance to popular belief, guys are simple. contrary to popular belief, we do have feelings. unfortunately, those emotions can get us into trouble or get us hurt, so we don't acknowledge them nearly as much as we should. this makes us come off as numb half intentionally and half out of self-defense.

it can get to the point where we feel something, act in response, but don't even understand the real feeling that's making us do these things. unless it's something as overpowering and devastating as true love, which we have enough trouble reconciling anyway, we're more or less emotionally illiterate. it sucks, but sometimes we don't tell u how we feel cuz we legit don't know.

the point of this is that guys are simple, but we do care, even if we can't express or say it for shit. but what we can do, when we care about someone, is try to keep them near to us, and caring about us. that's why we say things, and stay near u, and then panic and retreat when we see our cover falling from our heart and our actions. we overplay our hand out of wanting you near, and then we clutch our cards to our chest immediately to save face and heart.

ladies, and men who don't realize, know that we do care. we're too simple to fuck around and lead u on without reason. we do care. it can suck at times, but we do.

checking in

hey guys, got a free moment, and juliet said i haven't posted on the bloggersphere in a while, which is true, so here goes:

i love it here, the mountains, memorial hill is freaking beautiful no matter what time of day. i'm playing some ultimate frisbee, I'm technically on the team, but i don't go everyday, which is fine, because they're really chill. they call me condor, after my frisbee nickname in high school (thanks jamie elish). we play barefoot, which surprised me at first, but it's really natural now and i like the feeling. we played in the rain the other day, which was reli funny, ppl slipping and sliding and dropping the frisbee for no reason. even when u mess up tho, the more jockish seeming members don't make fun of u, they're always encouraging and reli nice. college sports is WAY different than in high school.

oh, as i've mentioned, i'm playing piano in the dining hall like every day, but it's hard to keep each time fresh, sometimes i just pick out new stuff on the spot, and normally it works, yay. there r some other reli good pianists here, but i seem to have the monopoly on the piano in the dining hall.

i haven't read ppl poetry in about a week, which i just realized, but i'm writing some good stuffs here. it's sorta weird, cuz the natural beauty around here is so inspiring, but i can't find that much time to sit down and put it all in a poem. still, when stuff flows here, it's pretty great. (or legit, as everyone says here)

my a capella auditions went reeeeeli well. they were impressed with my falsetto control, even tho i hadn't sang it in months, with the zumbyes, i got every sing back note progression perfectly, which i was a little surprised at too, and the most surprising part was that i felt confident through most of it. these guys are all amazing singers, and at least one of them has perfect pitch (he named a high f# just from hearing the piano) but they were all so nice and approachable both at rehearsals and just when seeing me on campus that my voice rarely shook, i talked a decent amount, and i made them laugh once or twice, which is good cuz they do a lot of comedy stuffs. finally, i sang moondance, and they all started tapping and whatnot, and they liked when i belted a bit, and when i put a little flourish run at the end, they all cheered. it felt so good.

err, wat else. oh, i met these two epic seniors:ryan don't know his last name and azlan (yes, like the lion) guttenberg (wait for it, wait for it...) smith. (what happened). they're both really cool. ryan's basically what i want to be when i leave amherst. he's cool, calm, but still happy and emotional, he's a poet like me, and we met cuz he saw my poetry book, and he has the same one in the color that miranda originally gave me. the other night we spent at least half an hour sitting on a bench looking at the mountains and talking about high school, freshmen orientation, girls, siblings, philosophy, it was incredible. i legit think it was fate meeting him, and when i told him why he sort of agreed. he kept reminding me that i'd only been there 2 weeks, and that this was our first real convo. funny how things go.

the most important thing he said to me tho was "jake, i don't think you're naive. there's a difference between being naive and not knowing things." idk, that just rang with me. i do miss all u beautiful ny ppl, even if the thought of going back to the city makes my soul gag. see you all soon, we love you madly. =]

the last drop

there really is never enough time, but you will be my first true love forever.

goodnight angel.

cool ideas

so this movie bickford shmeckler's cool ideas has been on comedy central a lot, as it was this same time last year, and watching it again is making me think about the concepts presented in it again.

so the final epiphany of this guy is that we can't understand anything, and that anyone who tries to understand everything is a dickweed, or douchebag, or something like that, i forget which word he uses. but it's a cool socratic realization. and it wraps up the movie in a great way that says something about the nature of humanity and understanding. because he has this book full of cool ideas, which are based on scientific facts that we can understand as humans, coupled with observations about human nature talking about things we can't understand, like why we think we exist if subatomically, we're mostly empty space, how we can think, etc.

and this got me thinking, that mankind is in the middle in terms of understanding. it goes back to the philosophical veil of ideas that plato and others discussed. (those of you who will take philosophy will be familiar with this) there are things we can understand, and things that we can't, but that's probably the best position to be in. because if we understood everything, we'd either be depressed by the dismal or unsatisfying truths into commiting suicide, (in one of the first scenes of the movie, the guy thinks about jumping off the dorm roof because he can't come up with his goal, a unifying theory of everything), we'd still have differing views and opinions on a larger and more extreme scale, our enhanced wisdom and resulting technology intensifying warfare and disagreement. and if we were too dumb to understand anything, we'd live constantly in fear of everything around us, and we'd probably lash out at poor times.

with us being in the middle of these two extremes, we can understand enough to have an opinion about the world and not be afraid of everything surrounding us, but we don't understand enough for there to be no mystery in life, for everything to look so simple that it can't be beautiful without us taking a condescending view to it. for any scifi ppl, just look at dr, manhattan from watchmen. he understands "how everything in this world fits together except people" as the silk spectre says, and everything in the world to him, except humans, at only one point, are boring, and he seems depressed and disconnected from the world throughout the movie. if we knew everything, we'd be like doctor manhattan. enlightened, but unhappy, unaffected by life's simple miracles. he doesn't know everything, so he still has some sense of wonder, but if he truly knew everything, there would be no joy in his existence.

so in short, we're lucky that both the world and our perceptional abilities were constructed in such a way for life to be somewhat revealing to us, and somewhat concealed, allowing us to be in awe of aspects of the universe, while understanding how beautiful and miraculous they are.

i don't know if i phrased all of it right, cuz it was sort of just verbal spewage, but i hope some of this made sense/made u think/understand/wonder.

thank you robert frost

so jordan took some robert frost on vacation with us, and read some to me tonite. i want to write like him, like shakespeare, like jessy, like cc, they all seem to have such a facility with language. i want my thoughts to sound like poetry, for the words to flow and fit together like a puzzle of ocean and sky. ok, so here's some robert frost inspired poetry, enjoy.

A watch, a calendar, a clock,
Their reading never satisfies.
The future seems behind a lock,
The past, beneath us, buried lies.

In time, we cast our hope before
As lamentations trail behind.
With age, we're constantly at war;
Envy the body, curse the mind.

We often feel a blinding ire
Because of an imagined rift
Between the present and desire,
We never see it as a gift.

reminiscing

each day i seem to miss someone else, most of whom aren't in the city right now. =[ this is for you all.

madame t-juliet and i were at red lobster yesterday, and we heard some african music a block away, and she asked where u were, and i thought about it, and realized just how much i miss watching u dance. african, hip hop, modern, you always had ur own flavor to it and made it look effortless. and u never look as free as u do when u dance. it's like the world dissolves around u and ur christening a new one with your moves. u know i'm coming bak to see ur dtw piece, so make it hot. =]

sunflower girl-i still need to type up that poem for u, sorry. =P give my regards to ur wonderful gf, i love the cd u gave me, and i'll miss playing music with u at ur house. u have such a zest for everything u do in life, and i don't know what i'll do to get that extra energy u'd give me daily with your presence. get back from whatever beautiful location you're at right now so i can hear u sing and play ur guitar songs. =]

bluebird-i never took the time to say how happy i am for u, and how proud i am of you for making it these past two years. i hear ur family's amazing, and i couldn't be happier for u. i wonder if u still play guitar, if u still write songs, if u still love the sunrise the same way u taught me to years ago. i've asked about u from jess and julia, but i guess i was too afraid to call or something, honestly, because i feel like i abandoned u when u left. i just let u go and that was that. but i miss how we used to be, and i'll always cherish those memories. =]

shadow-even though i saw u a few days ago, it made me realize how much i miss u. i can't wait till u get ur computer so we can ichat and i can find out if that finger thing still works. u really do seem more mature. u were always thoughtful, but now u're using those powers for understanding urself and not just criticizing. u must keep writing and show me ur poems, because i'll always be able to learn about language from anything u write. u've been through a lot and u're still standing, so never underestimate ur strength. u can take on anything this world might throw at u, and i'm always here to catch u, even if i have to run across the world and leap, arms outstretched. =]

ninjaaah-i could not be less surprised that ur apprenticing with a blacksmith. i'm gonna miss having u there as an example, academically, athletically, making me want to be as good as u. u motivated me more that u know, and i know u can do absolutely anything that u care enough about to devote urself to. it's cliche, but u've proven time and again, with dancing, wrestling, schoolwork, women, that anything u want, u can achieve as long as u give it an honest try. we're going to college, time to forge ur own path, and russ, u can change the world, so reli put ur mind to wat u want to do, and don't just fuck around, because frankly, if u squandered ur talent and drive by doing something meaningless to u, i'd be fucking pissed off. kick some ass man. =]

sympathy vs. empathy vs. apathy

since my last post was supposed to say empathy every time i wrote sympathy, i thought this would be a good next topic.

i realized that throughout most of highschool, i never really sypathized. i was always either empathetic or apathetic to people. with people i cared about, i always tried to relate to them, understand what they were feeling. it didn't seem to be enough to just recognize that what they were going through sucked. i had to experience it with them so that they weren't so alone in their plights. with people i didn't care about as much, i either didn't know their problems, or i didn't really care because their issues seemed trivial next to what the people i cared about were always going through.

but empathy gets draining, and apathy gets numbing, so we almost need to practice sympathy to keep a healthy distance between caring about others and preserving your own piece of mind.

someone once told me that the man who is completely selfish has no friends, but neither does the man who is completely selfless, and that might be the best advice i've ever been given. empathy can be rare, but it's potent, so if you can, by all means, empathize with people going through shit. but if not, it never hurts to show you care, or sympathize, if that's the correct definition.

"though thought and feeling lie so far apart,
though possibility does make me wince,
i often as if i do have a heart,
this beating in my chest does not convince."

knowledge

so i'm reading siddhartha, almost done, it's been a nice book to take my time on and reflect whilst reading, thanks russ for the book, and here's some stuff it's made me think about and realize.

because each of our realities is a perception of the world, we can't really KNOW what IS, but we have our impressions and beliefs as to what IS. so no one can really possess knowledge. instead, what we have are beliefs, both weak and strong about what is and what is not.

what defines a belief as weak or strong is evidence and reasoning. like with a theory, however many instances in life that we perceive reflect and support that belief, the stronger or weaker said belief is. like how every time we see a wall withstand force, or hit it with our hand and get hurt, we know it to be hard. each time we see that similar result in the world, we have more and more certainty of our belief.


a reli cool thing about belief/knowledge is how we obtain it. the way i see it, there are two ways we learn, or gather knowledge and beliefs about the world: experience and teaching.

experience is like reading from a primary source, this source being the world as we see it through our perception via our senses. the secondary source of teaching being when someone else or something else (like a book, hint hint) tells us something. experience is much stronger in this respect, because the reality of it is closer to our mind, while teaching is us seeing through someone else's perception something in the world.

when we experience something, like heartbreak, or a bruise, or trauma, we understand it firsthand, much better than when someone tries to describe it. the former is just more vivid in our minds.

when someone tells or teaches us something, it's more difficult. we like proof, or reasons to show that this teaching is true or reliable. if not, we just go along with whatever is told to us without really understanding why it is true. experience gives us a firsthand example of knowledge, like a self-evident truth.

final point of this post, dedicated to mr. fisher, who once asked "but isn't sympathy bs?"

sometimes, yes, it is bs. but when you've legitimately experienced the same scenario (for lack of a better word) that the other person is going/had gone/will go through, you do understand what that person is experiencing. when you have experienced the same thing, or a very similar thing, sympathy becomes much more real and genuine. but if you've never experienced the same thing, then you are farther from understanding the situation of the other person, for the reasons i've stated above.

so it depends, mr. fisher. if you've never experienced what the other person is going through, then yes, you're sympathy is bs. you don't know what they're experiencing, and all you can do is guess how they feel.

but if you have gone through the same or a similar thing as the other person, then your sympathy is not bs. you need a decent understanding of your own feelings to relate and understand someone else's, and a willingness to be there for the other person and seem sincere, but bottom line, your sympathy will be true, because you have been there, and that experience has taught you to understand that situation.

mood rings

"let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings."

this sounds like a good idea, but there's no guarantee that the mood ring color would stay the same, or clear, or that the girl would let you see her mood ring. sometimes girls want to be figured out, or they don't want to be figured out, to be paid attention to and have time devoted to helping them, like playing hard to get with their emotions. and a mood ring is a short cut around what they might want, which would probably turn it red anyway.

i'm not a girl, so i could be wrong, but i do know that sometimes, there's just no winning with girls and their emotions. =/

hmm

so russ gave me the book "siddhartha" (spelling fail?) and i reli like it so far. there's a lot of thought, a lot of questioning, a lot of enjoying nature (which i love) and a lot of enlightenment.

one thing the book talks about a lot is the "Self", and how in enlightenment, the personal "Self" is one with the universal "Self", Atman. it seems like Siddhartha is most at one with Atman, or most at peace when he's admiring nature like a child, innocently, without looking for something beneath.

Siddhartha meets Gotama, a Buddha, one who has achieved enlightenment, during the book, and he talks with him, learns from him, knows his enlightenment to be real, and strives to be like him, still, unimitating, unseeking. not to compare myself to a Buddha, obviously, but today i was at jessy's with kg, celi, gen, and juliet, and we were eating out in her backyard, and it was a beautiful day and the sun was shining and lighting up the trees, and the food was delicious and the music was regina spektor and i loved everyone there, and it was just bliss, and i wanted nothing more, except maybe for gen to be a little happier.

it's times like that when i feel like we as humans are all at our best. not running, not necessarily stagnant, not yearning, not worrying, just enjoying the moment, appreciating life and the present. unbothered by the past, unwary of the future, content and still in the moment. i love that feeling, and nature is like my medium for it. i would never say i am enlightened or anything like a buddha, but i can see why Siddhartha sees such solace in nature, such admiration for stillness.

bros

eugene: i'm happy for u and julia. i heard the poem u wrote for her and it sounds like u're really happy about it. i'll admit, i was surprised when i first heard about u 2, but seeing the look in her eyes that night in astor place when she told me she was waiting for u made me think that this could really be something beautiful. suerte y amor, chico.

dillon: u know i'm sorry about what happened, but i think this will help u start looking after yourself more. i won't elaborate because i know this is somewhat public, but u know i'm here for u, and just know it's not the end of the world, or love, by any means.

russ: last night was nice. idk, u sorta looked out of ur element at times, but it was nice having u there and playing wii with u. i feel like we drifted this year, and i know it was cuz i was jealous of u and jessy getting so close over the summer, telling each other everything and relying on each other. i just felt like a third wheel and that we couldn't really connect cuz u wouldn't tell me wat was going on half the time. but i know now that it's how u operate, and that it doesn't mean we can't still be close. i missed u man. here's to more good times b4 college.

andrew heinrich: what happened.

irreverent

"due to a few bumps in the road"

"so, besides people jumping out of buildings, how's dalton?"

i just wish ppl were a little more sensitive, respectful, tactful about things like this. just a little.

meaning

disclaimer: you may find this post pretentious of me, but watever.

so, today was good, 3 labs, did some work, some kenken, didnt play much gameboy.

oh, and i discovered the meaning of life. this time for real, cuz TdeZ verified and discussed it with me. it's not happiness, it's not love, cuz the meaning of life is bigger than human desire. it's about how every living thing is designed to continue living and procreate, continuing its species. it's about how every living thing is naturally equipped to survive and keep living as a primary function.

even amoeba, single-celled creatures, separate and duplicate, survive and procreate by instinct. evolution itself was a species' reaction to its environment, changing to stay alive in a setting that wouldn't change to suit its needs. even after thousands of years of society and millions of years of evolution, humans still seek food, fear death, and long to procreate.

life is the opposite of death by definition. by this, its meaning lies in its opposition of death. living things are constantly striving to stay alive, to stave off death and continue life.

in short, life's meaning is survival and procreation. life is designed to continue itself. initially, this made me really anxious, making me think that the only reason we're here is to not die, and to continue our species. but TdeZ helped me realize that the beauty of life is that its self-preservation is in its nature. everything, from flowers to animals to humans have a need, an instinct to stay alive, even if they're not aware of it.

but don't think that our lives have no meaning besides surviving, because i still think that human life has a different purpose besides surviving, because there's so much that humans do that is neither to survive nor to procreate. but that's a more question for another day.

and i know it's an intense question i just tried to answer, and feel free to doubt me, but that answer works for me. i know what i felt and i trust TdeZ. make of it what you will, but this is what i believe.