what do you do when you can't help the ones you care about most?
you can give as many hugs as you want, say "shh, there there, it's ok" as many times as you want, you can give all the kisses and comforting touches you want, but i mean, if it doesn't help, what's left to do?
when you can't save your friend from her mind cuz she doesn't want to go back in, or you can't convince your girlfriend that she is good enough because "i love you" just becomes irrelevant.
how do u tell your friend not to look at the past like scars or times she's been beaten, but reminders of what she dealt with and came out of still standing. how do you tell her that just the fact that she still can interact with people, and more over, still has faith in humanity, is a testament to her strength after the shit she's experienced.
how do u tell your girlfriend that she's good enough when you yourself are blinded by how much you love her. that when you see her dance, who cares about anyone else, she glows. fine, maybe she's not the best bball player or the best dancer, and maybe history's giving her a hard time, but who cares? u never know where you'll be in 10-15 years, she may not even be remotely interested in bball or dancing as a career, and she doesn't even have to take history next year, and maybe never again. for now, all that should matter is that she enjoys what she does, which i know for a fact she does, and no dickwad coaches or stupid choreographers can change that.
khalil said something today, that we've only lived about 1/4, 1/5 of our lives. shit's just getting started, we literally have our whole lives ahead of us. don't let this temporary stuff get you so down now, time changes all things and heals all wounds. the future can always be bright if you believe it will be, and the present only lasts so long. i love you both, and i hate seeing you upset. just keep your heads up looking to the sky and above whatever shit is bothering you.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
philosophy
so i wanted to try making my own ontological philosophy, and i'm starting with beauty.
plato said that beauty is in everything, and we merely perceive it in things with our senses. hume said that beauty is in our perception of things, and said nothing about it actually existing in the outside world.
i believe that beauty exists in everything, probably to varying degrees, but we all have a different, yet present, capacity to see beauty. some people see a sunset and see something breathtaking, while others only see a decent sight. but they can't both just be imagining similar beauty. so we may not know just how much beauty is really present in something, but we all perceive different amounts or different aspects of that same present beauty.
beauty can't just be in our heads, because when we're feeling like shit, things can still seem beautiful, and when we're ecstatic, things can seem ugly. this means that our moods don't effect the beauty that we see, but the beauty that we see can affect our mood, like a sunrise making us happy and hopeful, or rain causing melancholy. thus, beauty is independent of mood and our minds, so beauty IS imminent (inherent in) objects and things in the world.
feel free to comment.
plato said that beauty is in everything, and we merely perceive it in things with our senses. hume said that beauty is in our perception of things, and said nothing about it actually existing in the outside world.
i believe that beauty exists in everything, probably to varying degrees, but we all have a different, yet present, capacity to see beauty. some people see a sunset and see something breathtaking, while others only see a decent sight. but they can't both just be imagining similar beauty. so we may not know just how much beauty is really present in something, but we all perceive different amounts or different aspects of that same present beauty.
beauty can't just be in our heads, because when we're feeling like shit, things can still seem beautiful, and when we're ecstatic, things can seem ugly. this means that our moods don't effect the beauty that we see, but the beauty that we see can affect our mood, like a sunrise making us happy and hopeful, or rain causing melancholy. thus, beauty is independent of mood and our minds, so beauty IS imminent (inherent in) objects and things in the world.
feel free to comment.
teddy
i haven't written anything about you yet, and i think if i do it'll give me some final closure. i hadn't seen u in about a week the day it happened, the day you jumped. i remember thinking that that morning the clouds were so beautiful, but so far away, and that it was a shame i was stuck on the ground.
i was in math when it happened, and we were in a test, so it was quiet. we heard a huge boom, like a truck backfiring or something, and people screaming. we'd heard the kids earlier, so we thought it was just playstreet as usual, but it sounded more panicked, somehow. alex shaheen got annoyed in his bitchy ass way, saying "ugh, wat an inconvenient time" or something to that effect. quite frankly i hope he feels guilty for that. benji heard the boom and joked, "whoa, someone just got gatted." i had a bad feeling, so i didnt say anything. for the next 45 minutes, we tried to focus on our tests, as we were told to stay away from windows and heard an awful scream from outside, which i now know was teddy's mom.
we finished, and benji went over to a window to see wat was happening. i was nervous, but i went over too. then i saw you. or at least part of you teddy. i didnt know it was you, i just saw jeans, a white leg, a shoe a few feet to the left of you, a tarp over your body, and a pool of blood. the first thing i thought was that if they covered up the body, and there was that much blood, whoever it was, there's no way they were still alive. i couldnt look away for a minute or two, and i remember someone saying to someone in the class as i went to the window to stop looking, in case we got traumatized for life. sigh. i wont be traumatized for life, but it's just ironic how everything happened.
i wish i'd known u better teddy. i tried to be friendly with u without being dishonest, but still u rarely made eye contact with me and we rarely talked. to be honest, i thought u had a sort of menace about u initially, how at homecoming last year u sort of stalked out, shoulders stooped, when the rest of the football team had run out. seeing how u acted with jessy, i was a little wary, but i am of most guys with my female friends. i never knew how brilliant u were firsthand, but it seems undeniable seeing how much it seems to be general consensus. i keep replaying what may have happened in the dance studio over and over in my head, wondering if i was there, what might i have tried to do, if i'd seen u earlier that day, how would i have showed kindness to u if i knew wat u might do later, and i keep regretting how much pain u mustve felt to resort to suicide.
im sorry dalton couldnt make u feel more welcome in this life, if that's what you needed, but wherever you are, if you can look after ur brother, please do, because he misses you dearly. and know that you are in our thoughts now, and for a long time to come. i can't tell u how many times i've had to console someone, but i can tell you that i've barely had time to come to grips with everything myself. i broke down in juliet's arms because i'm so used to comforting others, but i guess this was just too much. i hope ur happier now teddy, and if anything, thank you for making our lives a little more hug-filled, and for showing us that someone will always be affected if we die.
RIP teddy.
i was in math when it happened, and we were in a test, so it was quiet. we heard a huge boom, like a truck backfiring or something, and people screaming. we'd heard the kids earlier, so we thought it was just playstreet as usual, but it sounded more panicked, somehow. alex shaheen got annoyed in his bitchy ass way, saying "ugh, wat an inconvenient time" or something to that effect. quite frankly i hope he feels guilty for that. benji heard the boom and joked, "whoa, someone just got gatted." i had a bad feeling, so i didnt say anything. for the next 45 minutes, we tried to focus on our tests, as we were told to stay away from windows and heard an awful scream from outside, which i now know was teddy's mom.
we finished, and benji went over to a window to see wat was happening. i was nervous, but i went over too. then i saw you. or at least part of you teddy. i didnt know it was you, i just saw jeans, a white leg, a shoe a few feet to the left of you, a tarp over your body, and a pool of blood. the first thing i thought was that if they covered up the body, and there was that much blood, whoever it was, there's no way they were still alive. i couldnt look away for a minute or two, and i remember someone saying to someone in the class as i went to the window to stop looking, in case we got traumatized for life. sigh. i wont be traumatized for life, but it's just ironic how everything happened.
i wish i'd known u better teddy. i tried to be friendly with u without being dishonest, but still u rarely made eye contact with me and we rarely talked. to be honest, i thought u had a sort of menace about u initially, how at homecoming last year u sort of stalked out, shoulders stooped, when the rest of the football team had run out. seeing how u acted with jessy, i was a little wary, but i am of most guys with my female friends. i never knew how brilliant u were firsthand, but it seems undeniable seeing how much it seems to be general consensus. i keep replaying what may have happened in the dance studio over and over in my head, wondering if i was there, what might i have tried to do, if i'd seen u earlier that day, how would i have showed kindness to u if i knew wat u might do later, and i keep regretting how much pain u mustve felt to resort to suicide.
im sorry dalton couldnt make u feel more welcome in this life, if that's what you needed, but wherever you are, if you can look after ur brother, please do, because he misses you dearly. and know that you are in our thoughts now, and for a long time to come. i can't tell u how many times i've had to console someone, but i can tell you that i've barely had time to come to grips with everything myself. i broke down in juliet's arms because i'm so used to comforting others, but i guess this was just too much. i hope ur happier now teddy, and if anything, thank you for making our lives a little more hug-filled, and for showing us that someone will always be affected if we die.
RIP teddy.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
truf
ok, tolu inspired me to tell some trufs (truths) to you lovely people. idk what im keeping off the top of my head, but we'll figure out now, won't we.
russ: u were right on ur blog, things r going great for u, the mayor's medal thing, rpi, mara maybe coming, i'm really happy for u man. but frankly, stay positive, cuz at times u let urself get too down on yourself for less than crucial things. don't sweat the small stuff, shit happens, and don't forget the monkey rope analogy from moby dick. when you fall into depression, u pull us down somewhat too. such is friendship. =]
jess: i'm proud of you for what you sent me, and for your trying to start focusing more on what's good for u. i look forward to future convos about happiness and your infinite amount of labs. take dozens of picture and WRITE MORE POEMS dammit. you have a gift for writing, photography, conversation, and contemplation. if you can't convince yourself of your worth, just trust ur friends on this, cuz we love u for you, the you that we see, not wat u pretend to be, the smile you put on for the rest of the world. we won't be fooled so easily. oh, also, stay out of trouble. 'nuff said. =]
gen: I MISS YOU SO MUCH! i hear you're having a lot of fun at maine coast tho, so i'm happy for you. still, i miss u being on the 3rd floor for house, and your hugs and calling me jakey or jakers. i hope ur meeting amazing ppl who love you as much as we do, cuz if they care for u any less, u may as well get ur fun ass back here now. stop thinking your silly/crazyness is a bad thing. we love you for it, not because it makes u weird to us, but because you embrace it so fully and freely, and we love that spirit you posess, and if you don't, you should too. =]
tolu: i wanna call u madam T more often, cuz u r like a big mama, but that's not dignified enough. you're a lady, courteous, honest, nice, you don't take bullshit, and you respect yourself, unlike FAR too many girls at our school. =P ur writing and ur dancing is PHENOMENAL. never think anything less of yourself. ur most fun when you're not thinking about what ppl will think of what your about to do. if i or someone close to u ever stares at a time like that, its because we like to see u free and un-self-conscious. so basically, dance like no one's watching, and when we are watching, keep dancing. and write and read ur poems more. ppl should hear what you have to say! =]
juliet: i don't want this to be too mushy, but it's hard for me to say anything bad about u. i love you, u clearly know that, but i wish you saw all the incredibleness in you that i see. i know it's really hard to do that, to love yourself as much as someone else does, but i like to think i'm helping u. ur dancing today was hypnotizing, each movement was so smooth, with just enough pop, and your body flowed like ribbons through the air. never stop having a shit about u, don't let my pokes etc stop u from singing, cuz really i love seeing u so happy and free, and i could look into ur eyes forever. err, i guess i dont reli have any criticism, just keep caring less about how ur hair looks, and how ur dance moves may look, everything, cuz ur great at everything u do. trust me. =]
no matter what i said to all of you, i love you all, and that's the biggest truf of all. =]
russ: u were right on ur blog, things r going great for u, the mayor's medal thing, rpi, mara maybe coming, i'm really happy for u man. but frankly, stay positive, cuz at times u let urself get too down on yourself for less than crucial things. don't sweat the small stuff, shit happens, and don't forget the monkey rope analogy from moby dick. when you fall into depression, u pull us down somewhat too. such is friendship. =]
jess: i'm proud of you for what you sent me, and for your trying to start focusing more on what's good for u. i look forward to future convos about happiness and your infinite amount of labs. take dozens of picture and WRITE MORE POEMS dammit. you have a gift for writing, photography, conversation, and contemplation. if you can't convince yourself of your worth, just trust ur friends on this, cuz we love u for you, the you that we see, not wat u pretend to be, the smile you put on for the rest of the world. we won't be fooled so easily. oh, also, stay out of trouble. 'nuff said. =]
gen: I MISS YOU SO MUCH! i hear you're having a lot of fun at maine coast tho, so i'm happy for you. still, i miss u being on the 3rd floor for house, and your hugs and calling me jakey or jakers. i hope ur meeting amazing ppl who love you as much as we do, cuz if they care for u any less, u may as well get ur fun ass back here now. stop thinking your silly/crazyness is a bad thing. we love you for it, not because it makes u weird to us, but because you embrace it so fully and freely, and we love that spirit you posess, and if you don't, you should too. =]
tolu: i wanna call u madam T more often, cuz u r like a big mama, but that's not dignified enough. you're a lady, courteous, honest, nice, you don't take bullshit, and you respect yourself, unlike FAR too many girls at our school. =P ur writing and ur dancing is PHENOMENAL. never think anything less of yourself. ur most fun when you're not thinking about what ppl will think of what your about to do. if i or someone close to u ever stares at a time like that, its because we like to see u free and un-self-conscious. so basically, dance like no one's watching, and when we are watching, keep dancing. and write and read ur poems more. ppl should hear what you have to say! =]
juliet: i don't want this to be too mushy, but it's hard for me to say anything bad about u. i love you, u clearly know that, but i wish you saw all the incredibleness in you that i see. i know it's really hard to do that, to love yourself as much as someone else does, but i like to think i'm helping u. ur dancing today was hypnotizing, each movement was so smooth, with just enough pop, and your body flowed like ribbons through the air. never stop having a shit about u, don't let my pokes etc stop u from singing, cuz really i love seeing u so happy and free, and i could look into ur eyes forever. err, i guess i dont reli have any criticism, just keep caring less about how ur hair looks, and how ur dance moves may look, everything, cuz ur great at everything u do. trust me. =]
no matter what i said to all of you, i love you all, and that's the biggest truf of all. =]
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