glass

(disclaimer: juliet, this is not about u. i never doubt that i loved you)

sometimes, most of the time, guys are stupid. we can't tell u how we feel, so we act out, or ignore you, or hook up. idk about the last one personally, but watever. in accordance to popular belief, guys are simple. contrary to popular belief, we do have feelings. unfortunately, those emotions can get us into trouble or get us hurt, so we don't acknowledge them nearly as much as we should. this makes us come off as numb half intentionally and half out of self-defense.

it can get to the point where we feel something, act in response, but don't even understand the real feeling that's making us do these things. unless it's something as overpowering and devastating as true love, which we have enough trouble reconciling anyway, we're more or less emotionally illiterate. it sucks, but sometimes we don't tell u how we feel cuz we legit don't know.

the point of this is that guys are simple, but we do care, even if we can't express or say it for shit. but what we can do, when we care about someone, is try to keep them near to us, and caring about us. that's why we say things, and stay near u, and then panic and retreat when we see our cover falling from our heart and our actions. we overplay our hand out of wanting you near, and then we clutch our cards to our chest immediately to save face and heart.

ladies, and men who don't realize, know that we do care. we're too simple to fuck around and lead u on without reason. we do care. it can suck at times, but we do.

checking in

hey guys, got a free moment, and juliet said i haven't posted on the bloggersphere in a while, which is true, so here goes:

i love it here, the mountains, memorial hill is freaking beautiful no matter what time of day. i'm playing some ultimate frisbee, I'm technically on the team, but i don't go everyday, which is fine, because they're really chill. they call me condor, after my frisbee nickname in high school (thanks jamie elish). we play barefoot, which surprised me at first, but it's really natural now and i like the feeling. we played in the rain the other day, which was reli funny, ppl slipping and sliding and dropping the frisbee for no reason. even when u mess up tho, the more jockish seeming members don't make fun of u, they're always encouraging and reli nice. college sports is WAY different than in high school.

oh, as i've mentioned, i'm playing piano in the dining hall like every day, but it's hard to keep each time fresh, sometimes i just pick out new stuff on the spot, and normally it works, yay. there r some other reli good pianists here, but i seem to have the monopoly on the piano in the dining hall.

i haven't read ppl poetry in about a week, which i just realized, but i'm writing some good stuffs here. it's sorta weird, cuz the natural beauty around here is so inspiring, but i can't find that much time to sit down and put it all in a poem. still, when stuff flows here, it's pretty great. (or legit, as everyone says here)

my a capella auditions went reeeeeli well. they were impressed with my falsetto control, even tho i hadn't sang it in months, with the zumbyes, i got every sing back note progression perfectly, which i was a little surprised at too, and the most surprising part was that i felt confident through most of it. these guys are all amazing singers, and at least one of them has perfect pitch (he named a high f# just from hearing the piano) but they were all so nice and approachable both at rehearsals and just when seeing me on campus that my voice rarely shook, i talked a decent amount, and i made them laugh once or twice, which is good cuz they do a lot of comedy stuffs. finally, i sang moondance, and they all started tapping and whatnot, and they liked when i belted a bit, and when i put a little flourish run at the end, they all cheered. it felt so good.

err, wat else. oh, i met these two epic seniors:ryan don't know his last name and azlan (yes, like the lion) guttenberg (wait for it, wait for it...) smith. (what happened). they're both really cool. ryan's basically what i want to be when i leave amherst. he's cool, calm, but still happy and emotional, he's a poet like me, and we met cuz he saw my poetry book, and he has the same one in the color that miranda originally gave me. the other night we spent at least half an hour sitting on a bench looking at the mountains and talking about high school, freshmen orientation, girls, siblings, philosophy, it was incredible. i legit think it was fate meeting him, and when i told him why he sort of agreed. he kept reminding me that i'd only been there 2 weeks, and that this was our first real convo. funny how things go.

the most important thing he said to me tho was "jake, i don't think you're naive. there's a difference between being naive and not knowing things." idk, that just rang with me. i do miss all u beautiful ny ppl, even if the thought of going back to the city makes my soul gag. see you all soon, we love you madly. =]

the last drop

there really is never enough time, but you will be my first true love forever.

goodnight angel.

cool ideas

so this movie bickford shmeckler's cool ideas has been on comedy central a lot, as it was this same time last year, and watching it again is making me think about the concepts presented in it again.

so the final epiphany of this guy is that we can't understand anything, and that anyone who tries to understand everything is a dickweed, or douchebag, or something like that, i forget which word he uses. but it's a cool socratic realization. and it wraps up the movie in a great way that says something about the nature of humanity and understanding. because he has this book full of cool ideas, which are based on scientific facts that we can understand as humans, coupled with observations about human nature talking about things we can't understand, like why we think we exist if subatomically, we're mostly empty space, how we can think, etc.

and this got me thinking, that mankind is in the middle in terms of understanding. it goes back to the philosophical veil of ideas that plato and others discussed. (those of you who will take philosophy will be familiar with this) there are things we can understand, and things that we can't, but that's probably the best position to be in. because if we understood everything, we'd either be depressed by the dismal or unsatisfying truths into commiting suicide, (in one of the first scenes of the movie, the guy thinks about jumping off the dorm roof because he can't come up with his goal, a unifying theory of everything), we'd still have differing views and opinions on a larger and more extreme scale, our enhanced wisdom and resulting technology intensifying warfare and disagreement. and if we were too dumb to understand anything, we'd live constantly in fear of everything around us, and we'd probably lash out at poor times.

with us being in the middle of these two extremes, we can understand enough to have an opinion about the world and not be afraid of everything surrounding us, but we don't understand enough for there to be no mystery in life, for everything to look so simple that it can't be beautiful without us taking a condescending view to it. for any scifi ppl, just look at dr, manhattan from watchmen. he understands "how everything in this world fits together except people" as the silk spectre says, and everything in the world to him, except humans, at only one point, are boring, and he seems depressed and disconnected from the world throughout the movie. if we knew everything, we'd be like doctor manhattan. enlightened, but unhappy, unaffected by life's simple miracles. he doesn't know everything, so he still has some sense of wonder, but if he truly knew everything, there would be no joy in his existence.

so in short, we're lucky that both the world and our perceptional abilities were constructed in such a way for life to be somewhat revealing to us, and somewhat concealed, allowing us to be in awe of aspects of the universe, while understanding how beautiful and miraculous they are.

i don't know if i phrased all of it right, cuz it was sort of just verbal spewage, but i hope some of this made sense/made u think/understand/wonder.

thank you robert frost

so jordan took some robert frost on vacation with us, and read some to me tonite. i want to write like him, like shakespeare, like jessy, like cc, they all seem to have such a facility with language. i want my thoughts to sound like poetry, for the words to flow and fit together like a puzzle of ocean and sky. ok, so here's some robert frost inspired poetry, enjoy.

A watch, a calendar, a clock,
Their reading never satisfies.
The future seems behind a lock,
The past, beneath us, buried lies.

In time, we cast our hope before
As lamentations trail behind.
With age, we're constantly at war;
Envy the body, curse the mind.

We often feel a blinding ire
Because of an imagined rift
Between the present and desire,
We never see it as a gift.

reminiscing

each day i seem to miss someone else, most of whom aren't in the city right now. =[ this is for you all.

madame t-juliet and i were at red lobster yesterday, and we heard some african music a block away, and she asked where u were, and i thought about it, and realized just how much i miss watching u dance. african, hip hop, modern, you always had ur own flavor to it and made it look effortless. and u never look as free as u do when u dance. it's like the world dissolves around u and ur christening a new one with your moves. u know i'm coming bak to see ur dtw piece, so make it hot. =]

sunflower girl-i still need to type up that poem for u, sorry. =P give my regards to ur wonderful gf, i love the cd u gave me, and i'll miss playing music with u at ur house. u have such a zest for everything u do in life, and i don't know what i'll do to get that extra energy u'd give me daily with your presence. get back from whatever beautiful location you're at right now so i can hear u sing and play ur guitar songs. =]

bluebird-i never took the time to say how happy i am for u, and how proud i am of you for making it these past two years. i hear ur family's amazing, and i couldn't be happier for u. i wonder if u still play guitar, if u still write songs, if u still love the sunrise the same way u taught me to years ago. i've asked about u from jess and julia, but i guess i was too afraid to call or something, honestly, because i feel like i abandoned u when u left. i just let u go and that was that. but i miss how we used to be, and i'll always cherish those memories. =]

shadow-even though i saw u a few days ago, it made me realize how much i miss u. i can't wait till u get ur computer so we can ichat and i can find out if that finger thing still works. u really do seem more mature. u were always thoughtful, but now u're using those powers for understanding urself and not just criticizing. u must keep writing and show me ur poems, because i'll always be able to learn about language from anything u write. u've been through a lot and u're still standing, so never underestimate ur strength. u can take on anything this world might throw at u, and i'm always here to catch u, even if i have to run across the world and leap, arms outstretched. =]

ninjaaah-i could not be less surprised that ur apprenticing with a blacksmith. i'm gonna miss having u there as an example, academically, athletically, making me want to be as good as u. u motivated me more that u know, and i know u can do absolutely anything that u care enough about to devote urself to. it's cliche, but u've proven time and again, with dancing, wrestling, schoolwork, women, that anything u want, u can achieve as long as u give it an honest try. we're going to college, time to forge ur own path, and russ, u can change the world, so reli put ur mind to wat u want to do, and don't just fuck around, because frankly, if u squandered ur talent and drive by doing something meaningless to u, i'd be fucking pissed off. kick some ass man. =]

sympathy vs. empathy vs. apathy

since my last post was supposed to say empathy every time i wrote sympathy, i thought this would be a good next topic.

i realized that throughout most of highschool, i never really sypathized. i was always either empathetic or apathetic to people. with people i cared about, i always tried to relate to them, understand what they were feeling. it didn't seem to be enough to just recognize that what they were going through sucked. i had to experience it with them so that they weren't so alone in their plights. with people i didn't care about as much, i either didn't know their problems, or i didn't really care because their issues seemed trivial next to what the people i cared about were always going through.

but empathy gets draining, and apathy gets numbing, so we almost need to practice sympathy to keep a healthy distance between caring about others and preserving your own piece of mind.

someone once told me that the man who is completely selfish has no friends, but neither does the man who is completely selfless, and that might be the best advice i've ever been given. empathy can be rare, but it's potent, so if you can, by all means, empathize with people going through shit. but if not, it never hurts to show you care, or sympathize, if that's the correct definition.

"though thought and feeling lie so far apart,
though possibility does make me wince,
i often as if i do have a heart,
this beating in my chest does not convince."