Tuesday, September 29, 2009
blah
just had to get that last post out, momentary lapse in happiness. most things are great here, parties and shit just gets confusing sometimes. that's all. =P
confusion
what is it? it's like they're members of some amazing, secret cult that can tell when others aren't. but it's not even a secret, they wear it on their sleeves, they talk about it, splitting everyone into us or them. they look out for their own, so to speak, and shun others from their sacred practices. ugh, it's so fucking annoying.
why do they think it makes them better? half the time it wasn't about trust, and the other half it just happened too early, for the wrong reasons, and regrets piled upon regrets, was it really worth gaining those first few years of superiority before the cult runs its course and just becomes commonplace? someone, please enlighten me, as i am a woeful, uneducated, timid thing, not worth your attention or your indulgence.
fuck you.
why do they think it makes them better? half the time it wasn't about trust, and the other half it just happened too early, for the wrong reasons, and regrets piled upon regrets, was it really worth gaining those first few years of superiority before the cult runs its course and just becomes commonplace? someone, please enlighten me, as i am a woeful, uneducated, timid thing, not worth your attention or your indulgence.
fuck you.
Monday, September 28, 2009
glass
(disclaimer: juliet, this is not about u. i never doubt that i loved you)
sometimes, most of the time, guys are stupid. we can't tell u how we feel, so we act out, or ignore you, or hook up. idk about the last one personally, but watever. in accordance to popular belief, guys are simple. contrary to popular belief, we do have feelings. unfortunately, those emotions can get us into trouble or get us hurt, so we don't acknowledge them nearly as much as we should. this makes us come off as numb half intentionally and half out of self-defense.
it can get to the point where we feel something, act in response, but don't even understand the real feeling that's making us do these things. unless it's something as overpowering and devastating as true love, which we have enough trouble reconciling anyway, we're more or less emotionally illiterate. it sucks, but sometimes we don't tell u how we feel cuz we legit don't know.
the point of this is that guys are simple, but we do care, even if we can't express or say it for shit. but what we can do, when we care about someone, is try to keep them near to us, and caring about us. that's why we say things, and stay near u, and then panic and retreat when we see our cover falling from our heart and our actions. we overplay our hand out of wanting you near, and then we clutch our cards to our chest immediately to save face and heart.
ladies, and men who don't realize, know that we do care. we're too simple to fuck around and lead u on without reason. we do care. it can suck at times, but we do.
sometimes, most of the time, guys are stupid. we can't tell u how we feel, so we act out, or ignore you, or hook up. idk about the last one personally, but watever. in accordance to popular belief, guys are simple. contrary to popular belief, we do have feelings. unfortunately, those emotions can get us into trouble or get us hurt, so we don't acknowledge them nearly as much as we should. this makes us come off as numb half intentionally and half out of self-defense.
it can get to the point where we feel something, act in response, but don't even understand the real feeling that's making us do these things. unless it's something as overpowering and devastating as true love, which we have enough trouble reconciling anyway, we're more or less emotionally illiterate. it sucks, but sometimes we don't tell u how we feel cuz we legit don't know.
the point of this is that guys are simple, but we do care, even if we can't express or say it for shit. but what we can do, when we care about someone, is try to keep them near to us, and caring about us. that's why we say things, and stay near u, and then panic and retreat when we see our cover falling from our heart and our actions. we overplay our hand out of wanting you near, and then we clutch our cards to our chest immediately to save face and heart.
ladies, and men who don't realize, know that we do care. we're too simple to fuck around and lead u on without reason. we do care. it can suck at times, but we do.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
checking in
hey guys, got a free moment, and juliet said i haven't posted on the bloggersphere in a while, which is true, so here goes:
i love it here, the mountains, memorial hill is freaking beautiful no matter what time of day. i'm playing some ultimate frisbee, I'm technically on the team, but i don't go everyday, which is fine, because they're really chill. they call me condor, after my frisbee nickname in high school (thanks jamie elish). we play barefoot, which surprised me at first, but it's really natural now and i like the feeling. we played in the rain the other day, which was reli funny, ppl slipping and sliding and dropping the frisbee for no reason. even when u mess up tho, the more jockish seeming members don't make fun of u, they're always encouraging and reli nice. college sports is WAY different than in high school.
oh, as i've mentioned, i'm playing piano in the dining hall like every day, but it's hard to keep each time fresh, sometimes i just pick out new stuff on the spot, and normally it works, yay. there r some other reli good pianists here, but i seem to have the monopoly on the piano in the dining hall.
i haven't read ppl poetry in about a week, which i just realized, but i'm writing some good stuffs here. it's sorta weird, cuz the natural beauty around here is so inspiring, but i can't find that much time to sit down and put it all in a poem. still, when stuff flows here, it's pretty great. (or legit, as everyone says here)
my a capella auditions went reeeeeli well. they were impressed with my falsetto control, even tho i hadn't sang it in months, with the zumbyes, i got every sing back note progression perfectly, which i was a little surprised at too, and the most surprising part was that i felt confident through most of it. these guys are all amazing singers, and at least one of them has perfect pitch (he named a high f# just from hearing the piano) but they were all so nice and approachable both at rehearsals and just when seeing me on campus that my voice rarely shook, i talked a decent amount, and i made them laugh once or twice, which is good cuz they do a lot of comedy stuffs. finally, i sang moondance, and they all started tapping and whatnot, and they liked when i belted a bit, and when i put a little flourish run at the end, they all cheered. it felt so good.
err, wat else. oh, i met these two epic seniors:ryan don't know his last name and azlan (yes, like the lion) guttenberg (wait for it, wait for it...) smith. (what happened). they're both really cool. ryan's basically what i want to be when i leave amherst. he's cool, calm, but still happy and emotional, he's a poet like me, and we met cuz he saw my poetry book, and he has the same one in the color that miranda originally gave me. the other night we spent at least half an hour sitting on a bench looking at the mountains and talking about high school, freshmen orientation, girls, siblings, philosophy, it was incredible. i legit think it was fate meeting him, and when i told him why he sort of agreed. he kept reminding me that i'd only been there 2 weeks, and that this was our first real convo. funny how things go.
the most important thing he said to me tho was "jake, i don't think you're naive. there's a difference between being naive and not knowing things." idk, that just rang with me. i do miss all u beautiful ny ppl, even if the thought of going back to the city makes my soul gag. see you all soon, we love you madly. =]
i love it here, the mountains, memorial hill is freaking beautiful no matter what time of day. i'm playing some ultimate frisbee, I'm technically on the team, but i don't go everyday, which is fine, because they're really chill. they call me condor, after my frisbee nickname in high school (thanks jamie elish). we play barefoot, which surprised me at first, but it's really natural now and i like the feeling. we played in the rain the other day, which was reli funny, ppl slipping and sliding and dropping the frisbee for no reason. even when u mess up tho, the more jockish seeming members don't make fun of u, they're always encouraging and reli nice. college sports is WAY different than in high school.
oh, as i've mentioned, i'm playing piano in the dining hall like every day, but it's hard to keep each time fresh, sometimes i just pick out new stuff on the spot, and normally it works, yay. there r some other reli good pianists here, but i seem to have the monopoly on the piano in the dining hall.
i haven't read ppl poetry in about a week, which i just realized, but i'm writing some good stuffs here. it's sorta weird, cuz the natural beauty around here is so inspiring, but i can't find that much time to sit down and put it all in a poem. still, when stuff flows here, it's pretty great. (or legit, as everyone says here)
my a capella auditions went reeeeeli well. they were impressed with my falsetto control, even tho i hadn't sang it in months, with the zumbyes, i got every sing back note progression perfectly, which i was a little surprised at too, and the most surprising part was that i felt confident through most of it. these guys are all amazing singers, and at least one of them has perfect pitch (he named a high f# just from hearing the piano) but they were all so nice and approachable both at rehearsals and just when seeing me on campus that my voice rarely shook, i talked a decent amount, and i made them laugh once or twice, which is good cuz they do a lot of comedy stuffs. finally, i sang moondance, and they all started tapping and whatnot, and they liked when i belted a bit, and when i put a little flourish run at the end, they all cheered. it felt so good.
err, wat else. oh, i met these two epic seniors:ryan don't know his last name and azlan (yes, like the lion) guttenberg (wait for it, wait for it...) smith. (what happened). they're both really cool. ryan's basically what i want to be when i leave amherst. he's cool, calm, but still happy and emotional, he's a poet like me, and we met cuz he saw my poetry book, and he has the same one in the color that miranda originally gave me. the other night we spent at least half an hour sitting on a bench looking at the mountains and talking about high school, freshmen orientation, girls, siblings, philosophy, it was incredible. i legit think it was fate meeting him, and when i told him why he sort of agreed. he kept reminding me that i'd only been there 2 weeks, and that this was our first real convo. funny how things go.
the most important thing he said to me tho was "jake, i don't think you're naive. there's a difference between being naive and not knowing things." idk, that just rang with me. i do miss all u beautiful ny ppl, even if the thought of going back to the city makes my soul gag. see you all soon, we love you madly. =]
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