Wishing Well

poem

2010-01-31T13:27:00.000-08:00

so i haven't posted in a month, and i haven't posted a poem since goodness knows when, and since i'm in a writing poetry class with fucking poet laureate richard wilbur (it's ok, be impressed =P) i figure i should post.

now that i think of it, we're writing a poem a week for this class, so maybe i'll just post them up here too every week. we'll see how long it lasts.

Solidarity
The clouds now gather over light,
As something is about to fall.
A gravity pulls down the wall
And dims a star no longer bright.

The sky's a saturated grey,
A weighted, guilty weariness.
Whatever sin need be confessed,
Her disposition soft betrays.

Then, drop by drop, the tears descend,
A whispering into a yell.
The thunder booms, a flashing tell
That charged emotions now contend.

The wind strips down the mighty trees,
And tugs at every blade of grass,
The earth but waits, her rage will pass;
Ever the diva, ever the tease.

The skies subside, the sun returns,
And heaven seems to smile again.
The ground takes solace, as her friend,
Forgotten in his cuts and burns.

-Daydreamer

merry christmas

2009-12-25T21:20:00.000-08:00

so yea, i didn't forget it was christmas =]

as always, i wish everyone all the happiness and love and peace that i feel we each deserve everyday. we just happen to pick today to go all out in giving that to others. still, keep this cheer and good spiritedness towards ourselves and others as fresh as possible all year round.

why u ask? why not? =D

happy holidays.

chick flicks (expected)

2009-12-25T21:03:00.000-08:00

ok, so i saw the notebook and he's just not that into you in the same week, and i loved them both. surprise surprise.

it's been too long since i've blogged, but i don't know where to begin. ok, the notebook was pure beauty from beginning to end, and even though i could predict almost everything in the movie, i still cried at the end. too touching an ending. couldn't handle it.

i expected he's just not that into you to be cheesy, predictable, and cliche, but i really liked it. the ending was bittersweet, as to where the characters ended up (alone or with someone). the right people ended up happy though. they weaved the characters together pretty well, and they set up the romances nicely. all in all, i'd watch it again. but i feel like the notebook is one of those movies that will just stick with me to the point that i won't need to see it again.

err, updates, updates.... college is still great, finals weren't so bad. a little stressful, but as my upperclassmen friends showed me, it'll be worse soon enough. =P i'm writing poetry as always, playing piano as always, i'm probably gonna audition for one of the dance groups up there next semester, oh, and i'm singing my ass off. =]

i'm not gonna lie, i love it at amherst, and that doesn't look like it's gonna change. but it's always good to be home with the ppl i love. i hope i see every person who gets to read this b4 i go back on the 8th. =]

catharsis

2009-10-26T05:20:00.001-07:00

thanks dad, for teaching me the word for a huge change right before going off to college, cuz it's starting to kick in. the parties are just starting to get monotonous, and people are acting kinda crazy. it's good tho, cuz there are always zumbyes and bluesox (the zumbyes' sister group) willing to chill less maniacally, and these guys ryan and azlan are more or less two distinct possibilities of what i'll be like as a senior.

i miss you ny ppl, it's weird trying to find a sort of home in every aspect of life here, but i'm working on it, and hopefully things will solidify soon. but for now, i'm just getting fucking pissed off at how 90% of the time, ppl can't fathom having fun without getting trashed. i actually threw my phone and punched a wall the other day and almost caused dorm damage. it wasn't just cuz of this, but it pushed me over the edge for a bit. first time i've been mad since coming here.

ugh. ok, better now. =]

new stuffs

2009-10-10T18:16:00.001-07:00

so i figured it was time to blog again, if for no other reason to mix up the posts that are up now. they're all kinda heavy, and i feel like i'm in a fog lately, so maybe if i blog more often, i can see what's in my head an make more sense of it. only time will tell.

so i'm back in ny, it's weird. riding in the bus back into the city, there were some clouds that had been streaked across the sky in lines, like a barbecue grill, and the sunset behind them made them look red. it was sort of disconcerting, like the sky was smeared with blood. oh well, i doubt it's a reliable omen for the next two days (knock on wood). new york was just as congested, chaotic, and loud as i thought it would be, and i already miss being able to make eye contact with people. =[

the cab ride back sort of gave me a headache, idk if it was the noise, the smelly air, or the speed of the cab ride itself, but it just reminded me that i'm truly not a city boy at heart. i'm too lazy/relaxed/slow paced for this place, but it is my home. oh well.

it's funny, i realized that i'd tried to disown ny because when i thought back, i had a very biased image of it. congested, crowded, rude ppl, polluted, too much commercialism, too hectic and fast paced. i mean, all of that is right, but ny's also really artistic, and parts of it are as beautiful as other parts are...not. =P i guess you just have to take the good with the bad. welcome home.

blah

2009-09-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

just had to get that last post out, momentary lapse in happiness. most things are great here, parties and shit just gets confusing sometimes. that's all. =P

confusion

2009-09-29T21:42:00.001-07:00

what is it? it's like they're members of some amazing, secret cult that can tell when others aren't. but it's not even a secret, they wear it on their sleeves, they talk about it, splitting everyone into us or them. they look out for their own, so to speak, and shun others from their sacred practices. ugh, it's so fucking annoying.

why do they think it makes them better? half the time it wasn't about trust, and the other half it just happened too early, for the wrong reasons, and regrets piled upon regrets, was it really worth gaining those first few years of superiority before the cult runs its course and just becomes commonplace? someone, please enlighten me, as i am a woeful, uneducated, timid thing, not worth your attention or your indulgence.

fuck you.

glass

2009-09-28T04:57:00.000-07:00

(disclaimer: juliet, this is not about u. i never doubt that i loved you)

sometimes, most of the time, guys are stupid. we can't tell u how we feel, so we act out, or ignore you, or hook up. idk about the last one personally, but watever. in accordance to popular belief, guys are simple. contrary to popular belief, we do have feelings. unfortunately, those emotions can get us into trouble or get us hurt, so we don't acknowledge them nearly as much as we should. this makes us come off as numb half intentionally and half out of self-defense.

it can get to the point where we feel something, act in response, but don't even understand the real feeling that's making us do these things. unless it's something as overpowering and devastating as true love, which we have enough trouble reconciling anyway, we're more or less emotionally illiterate. it sucks, but sometimes we don't tell u how we feel cuz we legit don't know.

the point of this is that guys are simple, but we do care, even if we can't express or say it for shit. but what we can do, when we care about someone, is try to keep them near to us, and caring about us. that's why we say things, and stay near u, and then panic and retreat when we see our cover falling from our heart and our actions. we overplay our hand out of wanting you near, and then we clutch our cards to our chest immediately to save face and heart.

ladies, and men who don't realize, know that we do care. we're too simple to fuck around and lead u on without reason. we do care. it can suck at times, but we do.

checking in

2009-09-15T05:33:00.000-07:00

hey guys, got a free moment, and juliet said i haven't posted on the bloggersphere in a while, which is true, so here goes:

i love it here, the mountains, memorial hill is freaking beautiful no matter what time of day. i'm playing some ultimate frisbee, I'm technically on the team, but i don't go everyday, which is fine, because they're really chill. they call me condor, after my frisbee nickname in high school (thanks jamie elish). we play barefoot, which surprised me at first, but it's really natural now and i like the feeling. we played in the rain the other day, which was reli funny, ppl slipping and sliding and dropping the frisbee for no reason. even when u mess up tho, the more jockish seeming members don't make fun of u, they're always encouraging and reli nice. college sports is WAY different than in high school.

oh, as i've mentioned, i'm playing piano in the dining hall like every day, but it's hard to keep each time fresh, sometimes i just pick out new stuff on the spot, and normally it works, yay. there r some other reli good pianists here, but i seem to have the monopoly on the piano in the dining hall.

i haven't read ppl poetry in about a week, which i just realized, but i'm writing some good stuffs here. it's sorta weird, cuz the natural beauty around here is so inspiring, but i can't find that much time to sit down and put it all in a poem. still, when stuff flows here, it's pretty great. (or legit, as everyone says here)

my a capella auditions went reeeeeli well. they were impressed with my falsetto control, even tho i hadn't sang it in months, with the zumbyes, i got every sing back note progression perfectly, which i was a little surprised at too, and the most surprising part was that i felt confident through most of it. these guys are all amazing singers, and at least one of them has perfect pitch (he named a high f# just from hearing the piano) but they were all so nice and approachable both at rehearsals and just when seeing me on campus that my voice rarely shook, i talked a decent amount, and i made them laugh once or twice, which is good cuz they do a lot of comedy stuffs. finally, i sang moondance, and they all started tapping and whatnot, and they liked when i belted a bit, and when i put a little flourish run at the end, they all cheered. it felt so good.

err, wat else. oh, i met these two epic seniors:ryan don't know his last name and azlan (yes, like the lion) guttenberg (wait for it, wait for it...) smith. (what happened). they're both really cool. ryan's basically what i want to be when i leave amherst. he's cool, calm, but still happy and emotional, he's a poet like me, and we met cuz he saw my poetry book, and he has the same one in the color that miranda originally gave me. the other night we spent at least half an hour sitting on a bench looking at the mountains and talking about high school, freshmen orientation, girls, siblings, philosophy, it was incredible. i legit think it was fate meeting him, and when i told him why he sort of agreed. he kept reminding me that i'd only been there 2 weeks, and that this was our first real convo. funny how things go.

the most important thing he said to me tho was "jake, i don't think you're naive. there's a difference between being naive and not knowing things." idk, that just rang with me. i do miss all u beautiful ny ppl, even if the thought of going back to the city makes my soul gag. see you all soon, we love you madly. =]

the last drop

2009-08-29T20:08:00.000-07:00

there really is never enough time, but you will be my first true love forever.

goodnight angel.

cool ideas

2009-08-20T07:12:00.000-07:00

so this movie bickford shmeckler's cool ideas has been on comedy central a lot, as it was this same time last year, and watching it again is making me think about the concepts presented in it again.

so the final epiphany of this guy is that we can't understand anything, and that anyone who tries to understand everything is a dickweed, or douchebag, or something like that, i forget which word he uses. but it's a cool socratic realization. and it wraps up the movie in a great way that says something about the nature of humanity and understanding. because he has this book full of cool ideas, which are based on scientific facts that we can understand as humans, coupled with observations about human nature talking about things we can't understand, like why we think we exist if subatomically, we're mostly empty space, how we can think, etc.

and this got me thinking, that mankind is in the middle in terms of understanding. it goes back to the philosophical veil of ideas that plato and others discussed. (those of you who will take philosophy will be familiar with this) there are things we can understand, and things that we can't, but that's probably the best position to be in. because if we understood everything, we'd either be depressed by the dismal or unsatisfying truths into commiting suicide, (in one of the first scenes of the movie, the guy thinks about jumping off the dorm roof because he can't come up with his goal, a unifying theory of everything), we'd still have differing views and opinions on a larger and more extreme scale, our enhanced wisdom and resulting technology intensifying warfare and disagreement. and if we were too dumb to understand anything, we'd live constantly in fear of everything around us, and we'd probably lash out at poor times.

with us being in the middle of these two extremes, we can understand enough to have an opinion about the world and not be afraid of everything surrounding us, but we don't understand enough for there to be no mystery in life, for everything to look so simple that it can't be beautiful without us taking a condescending view to it. for any scifi ppl, just look at dr, manhattan from watchmen. he understands "how everything in this world fits together except people" as the silk spectre says, and everything in the world to him, except humans, at only one point, are boring, and he seems depressed and disconnected from the world throughout the movie. if we knew everything, we'd be like doctor manhattan. enlightened, but unhappy, unaffected by life's simple miracles. he doesn't know everything, so he still has some sense of wonder, but if he truly knew everything, there would be no joy in his existence.

so in short, we're lucky that both the world and our perceptional abilities were constructed in such a way for life to be somewhat revealing to us, and somewhat concealed, allowing us to be in awe of aspects of the universe, while understanding how beautiful and miraculous they are.

i don't know if i phrased all of it right, cuz it was sort of just verbal spewage, but i hope some of this made sense/made u think/understand/wonder.

thank you robert frost

2009-08-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

so jordan took some robert frost on vacation with us, and read some to me tonite. i want to write like him, like shakespeare, like jessy, like cc, they all seem to have such a facility with language. i want my thoughts to sound like poetry, for the words to flow and fit together like a puzzle of ocean and sky. ok, so here's some robert frost inspired poetry, enjoy.

A watch, a calendar, a clock,
Their reading never satisfies.
The future seems behind a lock,
The past, beneath us, buried lies.

In time, we cast our hope before
As lamentations trail behind.
With age, we're constantly at war;
Envy the body, curse the mind.

We often feel a blinding ire
Because of an imagined rift
Between the present and desire,
We never see it as a gift.

reminiscing

2009-07-31T18:25:00.001-07:00

each day i seem to miss someone else, most of whom aren't in the city right now. =[ this is for you all.

madame t-juliet and i were at red lobster yesterday, and we heard some african music a block away, and she asked where u were, and i thought about it, and realized just how much i miss watching u dance. african, hip hop, modern, you always had ur own flavor to it and made it look effortless. and u never look as free as u do when u dance. it's like the world dissolves around u and ur christening a new one with your moves. u know i'm coming bak to see ur dtw piece, so make it hot. =]

sunflower girl-i still need to type up that poem for u, sorry. =P give my regards to ur wonderful gf, i love the cd u gave me, and i'll miss playing music with u at ur house. u have such a zest for everything u do in life, and i don't know what i'll do to get that extra energy u'd give me daily with your presence. get back from whatever beautiful location you're at right now so i can hear u sing and play ur guitar songs. =]

bluebird-i never took the time to say how happy i am for u, and how proud i am of you for making it these past two years. i hear ur family's amazing, and i couldn't be happier for u. i wonder if u still play guitar, if u still write songs, if u still love the sunrise the same way u taught me to years ago. i've asked about u from jess and julia, but i guess i was too afraid to call or something, honestly, because i feel like i abandoned u when u left. i just let u go and that was that. but i miss how we used to be, and i'll always cherish those memories. =]

shadow-even though i saw u a few days ago, it made me realize how much i miss u. i can't wait till u get ur computer so we can ichat and i can find out if that finger thing still works. u really do seem more mature. u were always thoughtful, but now u're using those powers for understanding urself and not just criticizing. u must keep writing and show me ur poems, because i'll always be able to learn about language from anything u write. u've been through a lot and u're still standing, so never underestimate ur strength. u can take on anything this world might throw at u, and i'm always here to catch u, even if i have to run across the world and leap, arms outstretched. =]

ninjaaah-i could not be less surprised that ur apprenticing with a blacksmith. i'm gonna miss having u there as an example, academically, athletically, making me want to be as good as u. u motivated me more that u know, and i know u can do absolutely anything that u care enough about to devote urself to. it's cliche, but u've proven time and again, with dancing, wrestling, schoolwork, women, that anything u want, u can achieve as long as u give it an honest try. we're going to college, time to forge ur own path, and russ, u can change the world, so reli put ur mind to wat u want to do, and don't just fuck around, because frankly, if u squandered ur talent and drive by doing something meaningless to u, i'd be fucking pissed off. kick some ass man. =]

sympathy vs. empathy vs. apathy

2009-07-18T14:45:00.000-07:00

since my last post was supposed to say empathy every time i wrote sympathy, i thought this would be a good next topic.

i realized that throughout most of highschool, i never really sypathized. i was always either empathetic or apathetic to people. with people i cared about, i always tried to relate to them, understand what they were feeling. it didn't seem to be enough to just recognize that what they were going through sucked. i had to experience it with them so that they weren't so alone in their plights. with people i didn't care about as much, i either didn't know their problems, or i didn't really care because their issues seemed trivial next to what the people i cared about were always going through.

but empathy gets draining, and apathy gets numbing, so we almost need to practice sympathy to keep a healthy distance between caring about others and preserving your own piece of mind.

someone once told me that the man who is completely selfish has no friends, but neither does the man who is completely selfless, and that might be the best advice i've ever been given. empathy can be rare, but it's potent, so if you can, by all means, empathize with people going through shit. but if not, it never hurts to show you care, or sympathize, if that's the correct definition.

"though thought and feeling lie so far apart,
though possibility does make me wince,
i often as if i do have a heart,
this beating in my chest does not convince."

knowledge

2009-07-03T16:59:00.001-07:00

so i'm reading siddhartha, almost done, it's been a nice book to take my time on and reflect whilst reading, thanks russ for the book, and here's some stuff it's made me think about and realize.

because each of our realities is a perception of the world, we can't really KNOW what IS, but we have our impressions and beliefs as to what IS. so no one can really possess knowledge. instead, what we have are beliefs, both weak and strong about what is and what is not.

what defines a belief as weak or strong is evidence and reasoning. like with a theory, however many instances in life that we perceive reflect and support that belief, the stronger or weaker said belief is. like how every time we see a wall withstand force, or hit it with our hand and get hurt, we know it to be hard. each time we see that similar result in the world, we have more and more certainty of our belief.

a reli cool thing about belief/knowledge is how we obtain it. the way i see it, there are two ways we learn, or gather knowledge and beliefs about the world: experience and teaching.

experience is like reading from a primary source, this source being the world as we see it through our perception via our senses. the secondary source of teaching being when someone else or something else (like a book, hint hint) tells us something. experience is much stronger in this respect, because the reality of it is closer to our mind, while teaching is us seeing through someone else's perception something in the world.

when we experience something, like heartbreak, or a bruise, or trauma, we understand it firsthand, much better than when someone tries to describe it. the former is just more vivid in our minds.

when someone tells or teaches us something, it's more difficult. we like proof, or reasons to show that this teaching is true or reliable. if not, we just go along with whatever is told to us without really understanding why it is true. experience gives us a firsthand example of knowledge, like a self-evident truth.

final point of this post, dedicated to mr. fisher, who once asked "but isn't sympathy bs?"

sometimes, yes, it is bs. but when you've legitimately experienced the same scenario (for lack of a better word) that the other person is going/had gone/will go through, you do understand what that person is experiencing. when you have experienced the same thing, or a very similar thing, sympathy becomes much more real and genuine. but if you've never experienced the same thing, then you are farther from understanding the situation of the other person, for the reasons i've stated above.

so it depends, mr. fisher. if you've never experienced what the other person is going through, then yes, you're sympathy is bs. you don't know what they're experiencing, and all you can do is guess how they feel.

but if you have gone through the same or a similar thing as the other person, then your sympathy is not bs. you need a decent understanding of your own feelings to relate and understand someone else's, and a willingness to be there for the other person and seem sincere, but bottom line, your sympathy will be true, because you have been there, and that experience has taught you to understand that situation.

mood rings

2009-05-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

"let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings."

this sounds like a good idea, but there's no guarantee that the mood ring color would stay the same, or clear, or that the girl would let you see her mood ring. sometimes girls want to be figured out, or they don't want to be figured out, to be paid attention to and have time devoted to helping them, like playing hard to get with their emotions. and a mood ring is a short cut around what they might want, which would probably turn it red anyway.

i'm not a girl, so i could be wrong, but i do know that sometimes, there's just no winning with girls and their emotions. =/

hmm

2009-05-25T17:21:00.001-07:00

so russ gave me the book "siddhartha" (spelling fail?) and i reli like it so far. there's a lot of thought, a lot of questioning, a lot of enjoying nature (which i love) and a lot of enlightenment.

one thing the book talks about a lot is the "Self", and how in enlightenment, the personal "Self" is one with the universal "Self", Atman. it seems like Siddhartha is most at one with Atman, or most at peace when he's admiring nature like a child, innocently, without looking for something beneath.

Siddhartha meets Gotama, a Buddha, one who has achieved enlightenment, during the book, and he talks with him, learns from him, knows his enlightenment to be real, and strives to be like him, still, unimitating, unseeking. not to compare myself to a Buddha, obviously, but today i was at jessy's with kg, celi, gen, and juliet, and we were eating out in her backyard, and it was a beautiful day and the sun was shining and lighting up the trees, and the food was delicious and the music was regina spektor and i loved everyone there, and it was just bliss, and i wanted nothing more, except maybe for gen to be a little happier.

it's times like that when i feel like we as humans are all at our best. not running, not necessarily stagnant, not yearning, not worrying, just enjoying the moment, appreciating life and the present. unbothered by the past, unwary of the future, content and still in the moment. i love that feeling, and nature is like my medium for it. i would never say i am enlightened or anything like a buddha, but i can see why Siddhartha sees such solace in nature, such admiration for stillness.

bros

2009-04-26T13:28:00.000-07:00

eugene: i'm happy for u and julia. i heard the poem u wrote for her and it sounds like u're really happy about it. i'll admit, i was surprised when i first heard about u 2, but seeing the look in her eyes that night in astor place when she told me she was waiting for u made me think that this could really be something beautiful. suerte y amor, chico.

dillon: u know i'm sorry about what happened, but i think this will help u start looking after yourself more. i won't elaborate because i know this is somewhat public, but u know i'm here for u, and just know it's not the end of the world, or love, by any means.

russ: last night was nice. idk, u sorta looked out of ur element at times, but it was nice having u there and playing wii with u. i feel like we drifted this year, and i know it was cuz i was jealous of u and jessy getting so close over the summer, telling each other everything and relying on each other. i just felt like a third wheel and that we couldn't really connect cuz u wouldn't tell me wat was going on half the time. but i know now that it's how u operate, and that it doesn't mean we can't still be close. i missed u man. here's to more good times b4 college.

andrew heinrich: what happened.

irreverent

2009-04-26T13:20:00.000-07:00

"due to a few bumps in the road"

"so, besides people jumping out of buildings, how's dalton?"

i just wish ppl were a little more sensitive, respectful, tactful about things like this. just a little.

meaning

2009-04-16T18:32:00.001-07:00

disclaimer: you may find this post pretentious of me, but watever.

so, today was good, 3 labs, did some work, some kenken, didnt play much gameboy.

oh, and i discovered the meaning of life. this time for real, cuz TdeZ verified and discussed it with me. it's not happiness, it's not love, cuz the meaning of life is bigger than human desire. it's about how every living thing is designed to continue living and procreate, continuing its species. it's about how every living thing is naturally equipped to survive and keep living as a primary function.

even amoeba, single-celled creatures, separate and duplicate, survive and procreate by instinct. evolution itself was a species' reaction to its environment, changing to stay alive in a setting that wouldn't change to suit its needs. even after thousands of years of society and millions of years of evolution, humans still seek food, fear death, and long to procreate.

life is the opposite of death by definition. by this, its meaning lies in its opposition of death. living things are constantly striving to stay alive, to stave off death and continue life.

in short, life's meaning is survival and procreation. life is designed to continue itself. initially, this made me really anxious, making me think that the only reason we're here is to not die, and to continue our species. but TdeZ helped me realize that the beauty of life is that its self-preservation is in its nature. everything, from flowers to animals to humans have a need, an instinct to stay alive, even if they're not aware of it.

but don't think that our lives have no meaning besides surviving, because i still think that human life has a different purpose besides surviving, because there's so much that humans do that is neither to survive nor to procreate. but that's a more question for another day.

and i know it's an intense question i just tried to answer, and feel free to doubt me, but that answer works for me. i know what i felt and i trust TdeZ. make of it what you will, but this is what i believe.

reflection

2009-04-12T21:09:00.000-07:00

sometimes u catch a glimpse of urself in someone else, and ur so suprised by what you see, you just can't reconcile with it.

music

2009-04-11T17:17:00.000-07:00

so i was at a seder against my will the other night, and it was admittedly not as bad as i thought. i hadn't seen these ppl in literally 10 years, and i never looked forward to seeing them in the past. anyway, food was pretty good, the adults were reli nice if a tad loud, but 2 of the girls were boy obsessed and sounded kinda slutty from how they were telling stories. the girl who's house it was was fine though. sweet, courteous, a friends fan.

but eventually i got sick of the boy talk and went out to the adults to play some piano. and it saved me from awkwardness the rest of the night. i played wat i've been working on of clair de lune, and i worked my way through moonlight sonata for the first time in weeks. then i played the song i wrote, and some oldies and newies that i'd picked out by ear before.

but to the point of the post, i know i can do quite a few things decently, dance, sing, write poetry, but music's by far the thing i'm most confident about. i'm always second guessing myself at my dancing and singing ability, and i feel like i'm missing something in my poetry, but music is something i KNOW i'm beast at. i get writer's block at times, i can never think of original movements to do in dance, and even the stuff i'm taught i feel like i look awkward doing half the time, and i feel like my voice is good for certain songs, but at the end of the day, i know i can sit down at the piano and go up and down those keys with total comfort.

for the moves i can't do, the ideas i can't convey in words, and the notes i can't hit with my voice, piano is something that never fully limits me. just as all 88 keys are laid out before me, so are the infinite possibilities of melodies and harmonies. when i write a poem, i like for it to have some meaning or point, and i often have trouble sticking to that point or even finding it, but with piano, it's all self-explanatory. the music flows through me and is colored by my mood. no language but the notes themselves, no prose but the rhythm and tempo i choose, no rhyme but the harmonies coming from the instrument.

for some reason, it comes easier for me to be original in music than anything else. i don't necesasrily have to have a subject in mind when i play, i don't need a plan or a structure. i can just start somewhere and see where my ear takes me, i can travel to different octaves and repeat as i see fit, fiddle with rhythm and key independently and together to emphasize. i know poetry, dance, and singing have multiple dimensions like music, but with the piano, it's like i know every interval, every touch, every tone, and i have control over every one, every dimension ready to bend at my command. but it's not even a power thing, it's like symbiosis. the music uses me to escape the instrument and resonate, and i use the music like meditation, calming, pensive, renewing.

real talk

2009-03-27T19:51:00.001-07:00

tolu always inspires me to do real talk, and since i have a spare moment, here.

jess: i'm so happy for you with all your college acceptances. i'm so proud, even though i always knew you'd dazzle colleges. i told you so =]

i don't know what's going on with fred, but when you feel like talking about it, give me a call, ok? i'm reading and it sounds heavy.

russ: look, i love you like a brother, but dude, like i said at celena's, if you want these girl problems to stop, change what you're doing. i'm not saying you have to become like me, and be best friends with a bunch of girls or whatever you think would be better, but stop hooking up in situations where ppl like you, cuz drama will go down. just cuz u can get all the girls you want, doesn't mean you should. no one's forcing you to do it, so if things go sour, just remember it was your decision and own up to that. ok?

tolu: t, you are real, kind, sweet, a good friend, and above all, talented. if guys don't like you because of your personality, u deserve better anyway. and you are clearly an amazing dancer, so if i hear you doubting yourself again, i may have to smack some sense into you, k?

fred: look, i don't know what's going on, i know i haven't talked to you in a while, but in some way clear stuff up with jessy. you are her world and i know you know that. if for no other reason, make that responsibility the spur that makes you do whatever you have to to set things straight with her.

gen: i'm really glad to see you, and i can tell that maine coast has made you happy. you love the ppl, you've made great friends, you seem happier, slightly calmer but not too much, and you're glowing with a new energy. we missed u a lot girl, but i guess it was worth it to see how happy this has made u. don't leave again tho, k? we love you. and...just like this is the beginning of our lives, this is just the tip of the iceberg in the ppl we'll know, so don't think the majority of ppl suck just cuz of this upper east side petri dish school we go to. keep exploring the world, and i know you'll like what you see.

that's good for now, see you guys in a few days.

beauty

2009-03-21T21:19:00.001-07:00

so in spain, a few of us talked about beauty and established some good stuff. everything has some beauty in it, meaning not only that there's someone, somewhere who will find beauty in some given thing, but that beauty is inherent in things. objects, people, everything has some shimmer of beauty. how much beauty we each see in it becomes a more subjective matter, but beauty exists in things, not in our perceptions.

also, i was thinking about kinds of beauty that different ppl prefer. like it seems to me like jessy likes wild, unconventional, "c'est la vie" kinds of beauty. not to say she doesn't enjoy calm sights like a mountain or a lake, but she prefers the kinds of beauty in things that make her heart dance. i, on the other hand, like to think that i like more calm beauty, like clouds, or a night sky, or sunlight muted by leaves. still, the idea of things like meteor showers and swirling nebulas out in space also strike me. but still, i guess i express my joy in a calmer way than someone like jessy might.

continuing on, (and this is just my opinion, feel free to dispute ppl who i refer to) i feel like russell's preference for beauty is more...structural? i feel like he could find a well built machine or the inner workings of something beautiful in how everything fits, how everything works together. idk. to me, this preference is even more calm than mine. juliet, on the other hand, i believe falls in between me and jessy. cuz she can appreciate clouds like i can, but you'd be hard pressed to see her listening to music without dancing to it. jessy may not dance as much, but you can see her zest for something in her writing about it.

all this, i believe links to our personalities. jessy's very dynamic, tends to feel extremes, while russell is more muted or subdued, and juliet and i fall near the middle, me more calm, her more dynamic. ok, enough for now. night nyc, i missed you. =P

(and of course, you, cookie pants =])

star-crossed love?

2009-03-08T17:52:00.000-07:00

so i was thinking...this isn't a scientific theory or anything by any means.

we learned in astronomy that the way galaxies move is more or less random. although the universe is expanding, and galaxies lie light years upon light years away from one another, some galaxies are slowly moving towards each other. in addition, when some galaxies collide, they don't explode, but they simply mesh together and blend. i can't possibly think of a more beautiful way the universe can interact.

so anyway, how cool would it be if these galaxies wandered and swirled and collided into each other not necessarily because of gravity, but because of love? or rather, what if the gravitational forces between galaxies in space was equivalent to the love and attractive force between living things?

think of it. billions of stars, billions of planets, all swirling around a center of gravity, somehow sensing or feeling a similar celestial structure, and feeling irresistibly drawn to each other. moving slowly over millions of years, swirling in the same direction (because they have to be in order to collide meshingly), aching to reach the other. what if entire galaxies felt like humans did? what if everything in the universe was moving, yearning toward something else in the universe, just wishing to collide and connect with something similar, traveling unimaginable distances just to reach the object of their attraction.

i know plenty of u will call this post 'expected', but screw it. gravity is the force of love between celestial bodies. there, i said it. =P

helpless

2009-02-25T17:50:00.000-08:00

what do you do when you can't help the ones you care about most?

you can give as many hugs as you want, say "shh, there there, it's ok" as many times as you want, you can give all the kisses and comforting touches you want, but i mean, if it doesn't help, what's left to do?

when you can't save your friend from her mind cuz she doesn't want to go back in, or you can't convince your girlfriend that she is good enough because "i love you" just becomes irrelevant.

how do u tell your friend not to look at the past like scars or times she's been beaten, but reminders of what she dealt with and came out of still standing. how do you tell her that just the fact that she still can interact with people, and more over, still has faith in humanity, is a testament to her strength after the shit she's experienced.

how do u tell your girlfriend that she's good enough when you yourself are blinded by how much you love her. that when you see her dance, who cares about anyone else, she glows. fine, maybe she's not the best bball player or the best dancer, and maybe history's giving her a hard time, but who cares? u never know where you'll be in 10-15 years, she may not even be remotely interested in bball or dancing as a career, and she doesn't even have to take history next year, and maybe never again. for now, all that should matter is that she enjoys what she does, which i know for a fact she does, and no dickwad coaches or stupid choreographers can change that.

khalil said something today, that we've only lived about 1/4, 1/5 of our lives. shit's just getting started, we literally have our whole lives ahead of us. don't let this temporary stuff get you so down now, time changes all things and heals all wounds. the future can always be bright if you believe it will be, and the present only lasts so long. i love you both, and i hate seeing you upset. just keep your heads up looking to the sky and above whatever shit is bothering you.

philosophy

2009-02-22T06:33:00.000-08:00

so i wanted to try making my own ontological philosophy, and i'm starting with beauty.

plato said that beauty is in everything, and we merely perceive it in things with our senses. hume said that beauty is in our perception of things, and said nothing about it actually existing in the outside world.

i believe that beauty exists in everything, probably to varying degrees, but we all have a different, yet present, capacity to see beauty. some people see a sunset and see something breathtaking, while others only see a decent sight. but they can't both just be imagining similar beauty. so we may not know just how much beauty is really present in something, but we all perceive different amounts or different aspects of that same present beauty.

beauty can't just be in our heads, because when we're feeling like shit, things can still seem beautiful, and when we're ecstatic, things can seem ugly. this means that our moods don't effect the beauty that we see, but the beauty that we see can affect our mood, like a sunrise making us happy and hopeful, or rain causing melancholy. thus, beauty is independent of mood and our minds, so beauty IS imminent (inherent in) objects and things in the world.

feel free to comment.

teddy

2009-02-22T06:16:00.000-08:00

i haven't written anything about you yet, and i think if i do it'll give me some final closure. i hadn't seen u in about a week the day it happened, the day you jumped. i remember thinking that that morning the clouds were so beautiful, but so far away, and that it was a shame i was stuck on the ground.

i was in math when it happened, and we were in a test, so it was quiet. we heard a huge boom, like a truck backfiring or something, and people screaming. we'd heard the kids earlier, so we thought it was just playstreet as usual, but it sounded more panicked, somehow. alex shaheen got annoyed in his bitchy ass way, saying "ugh, wat an inconvenient time" or something to that effect. quite frankly i hope he feels guilty for that. benji heard the boom and joked, "whoa, someone just got gatted." i had a bad feeling, so i didnt say anything. for the next 45 minutes, we tried to focus on our tests, as we were told to stay away from windows and heard an awful scream from outside, which i now know was teddy's mom.

we finished, and benji went over to a window to see wat was happening. i was nervous, but i went over too. then i saw you. or at least part of you teddy. i didnt know it was you, i just saw jeans, a white leg, a shoe a few feet to the left of you, a tarp over your body, and a pool of blood. the first thing i thought was that if they covered up the body, and there was that much blood, whoever it was, there's no way they were still alive. i couldnt look away for a minute or two, and i remember someone saying to someone in the class as i went to the window to stop looking, in case we got traumatized for life. sigh. i wont be traumatized for life, but it's just ironic how everything happened.

i wish i'd known u better teddy. i tried to be friendly with u without being dishonest, but still u rarely made eye contact with me and we rarely talked. to be honest, i thought u had a sort of menace about u initially, how at homecoming last year u sort of stalked out, shoulders stooped, when the rest of the football team had run out. seeing how u acted with jessy, i was a little wary, but i am of most guys with my female friends. i never knew how brilliant u were firsthand, but it seems undeniable seeing how much it seems to be general consensus. i keep replaying what may have happened in the dance studio over and over in my head, wondering if i was there, what might i have tried to do, if i'd seen u earlier that day, how would i have showed kindness to u if i knew wat u might do later, and i keep regretting how much pain u mustve felt to resort to suicide.

im sorry dalton couldnt make u feel more welcome in this life, if that's what you needed, but wherever you are, if you can look after ur brother, please do, because he misses you dearly. and know that you are in our thoughts now, and for a long time to come. i can't tell u how many times i've had to console someone, but i can tell you that i've barely had time to come to grips with everything myself. i broke down in juliet's arms because i'm so used to comforting others, but i guess this was just too much. i hope ur happier now teddy, and if anything, thank you for making our lives a little more hug-filled, and for showing us that someone will always be affected if we die.

RIP teddy.

truf

2009-02-03T18:49:00.000-08:00

ok, tolu inspired me to tell some trufs (truths) to you lovely people. idk what im keeping off the top of my head, but we'll figure out now, won't we.

russ: u were right on ur blog, things r going great for u, the mayor's medal thing, rpi, mara maybe coming, i'm really happy for u man. but frankly, stay positive, cuz at times u let urself get too down on yourself for less than crucial things. don't sweat the small stuff, shit happens, and don't forget the monkey rope analogy from moby dick. when you fall into depression, u pull us down somewhat too. such is friendship. =]

jess: i'm proud of you for what you sent me, and for your trying to start focusing more on what's good for u. i look forward to future convos about happiness and your infinite amount of labs. take dozens of picture and WRITE MORE POEMS dammit. you have a gift for writing, photography, conversation, and contemplation. if you can't convince yourself of your worth, just trust ur friends on this, cuz we love u for you, the you that we see, not wat u pretend to be, the smile you put on for the rest of the world. we won't be fooled so easily. oh, also, stay out of trouble. 'nuff said. =]

gen: I MISS YOU SO MUCH! i hear you're having a lot of fun at maine coast tho, so i'm happy for you. still, i miss u being on the 3rd floor for house, and your hugs and calling me jakey or jakers. i hope ur meeting amazing ppl who love you as much as we do, cuz if they care for u any less, u may as well get ur fun ass back here now. stop thinking your silly/crazyness is a bad thing. we love you for it, not because it makes u weird to us, but because you embrace it so fully and freely, and we love that spirit you posess, and if you don't, you should too. =]

tolu: i wanna call u madam T more often, cuz u r like a big mama, but that's not dignified enough. you're a lady, courteous, honest, nice, you don't take bullshit, and you respect yourself, unlike FAR too many girls at our school. =P ur writing and ur dancing is PHENOMENAL. never think anything less of yourself. ur most fun when you're not thinking about what ppl will think of what your about to do. if i or someone close to u ever stares at a time like that, its because we like to see u free and un-self-conscious. so basically, dance like no one's watching, and when we are watching, keep dancing. and write and read ur poems more. ppl should hear what you have to say! =]

juliet: i don't want this to be too mushy, but it's hard for me to say anything bad about u. i love you, u clearly know that, but i wish you saw all the incredibleness in you that i see. i know it's really hard to do that, to love yourself as much as someone else does, but i like to think i'm helping u. ur dancing today was hypnotizing, each movement was so smooth, with just enough pop, and your body flowed like ribbons through the air. never stop having a shit about u, don't let my pokes etc stop u from singing, cuz really i love seeing u so happy and free, and i could look into ur eyes forever. err, i guess i dont reli have any criticism, just keep caring less about how ur hair looks, and how ur dance moves may look, everything, cuz ur great at everything u do. trust me. =]

no matter what i said to all of you, i love you all, and that's the biggest truf of all. =]

wander

2009-01-29T20:26:00.000-08:00

we wander,
we wonder,
we ponder,
we plunder,
we flounder,
we thunder,
we win,
and we blunder.

we search,
we imagine,
woo princesses,
fight dragons,
we fall without wanting,
we risk in our flaunting,
we hurt and we learn,
build bridges and burn.

but we shouldn't lose hope,
just widen the scope,
don't look for "the one",
nor from your love run.

pain is the process,
love is the progress,
fear is the squalor,
risk is the valor.

peace cannot be without conflict,
and we cannot be fulfilled without emptiness.

spirituality

2009-01-29T20:06:00.000-08:00

so today in philosophy we got a bit into religious stuffs, and i had a little trouble at first articulating my beliefs. i guess cause i felt on the spot all of a sudden, and it's something personal and not totally concrete for me, so i said "i'm still figuring it out", which i am, but i guess fleshing it out on cyber paper could help foster some clarity.

so here goes, sorry if i offend anyone, honestly:

idk if i believe in any sort of religion-established god. idk if i buy that someone or something is always looking out for us and answers our prayers. there's so much suffering and unfairness in the world, that either that divinity must have some prejudices or preferences, which is hardly transcendent of humanity and admirable, or they simply don't listen to or hear everyone, which is understandable, but then...how all powerful or all seeing is this "god" anyhow?

as for what i do believe, or what i like to believe, i believe that there is a spirit of divinity, perhaps not a conscious one, that exists in nature. every tree, every cloud, every sunrise and set, every squirrel, every leaf, every insect, every person. each possesses some spark of transcendent beauty that u just need to look for to properly see. like how sunlight brings such unbelievable beauty to a cloudy day, or a simple breeze can make a free leaf dance through the air more gracefully than any conscious animal controlling its movement. there's just so much beauty in the world everywhere. even giant new york skyscrapers allowed me to see the reflection of today's beautiful sunrise on the bus ride to school 2day.

i think that this smattering, ever present beauty is no accident. this beauty is everywhere, and makes sense, showing a sort of intelligence. like how leaves are constructed light enough to be able to dance in the breeze, or clouds are just light enough to let light filter through beautifully, or how on rare occasions, when a tree covered in water freezes, oh my god (haha), it's so beautiful to see a tree encased in ice, so delicately, that the merest touch looks like it could disrupt the gentle balance and destroy the masterpiece of the elements. like a glass covering, glistening and shimmering as it coats the tree gently enough not to destroy it, but heavy enough to be a solid layer. and how the sun can light up the sky in such colors that move our souls to sing and dance and write and love, how can that be a happy accident? it's too perfect.

sure, this may be a flimsy pretext to spirituality, but just think about it. humans just happened to be on this planet, in this solar system, far enough from the sun to not melt, but near enough to not freeze, hospitable.

the sun is the original god of man. it brought light and heat daily, and was worshiped as the reason for living, a benevolent grand being permitting we tiny humans to continue our meager existence. plus, the world literally revolves around the sun, we are constantly in its pull, under its control and in its warmth and protection from flying off into the cold and inhospitable (though breathtakingly beautiful) universe.

one of the reasons i wish from the bottom of my heart that i could have met henry david thoreau is that in his book walden, he called himself a worshiper of the dawn, as if it were a god or goddess. i love the thought of that. rising every morning to greet and thank the sun for its warmth and love, and for returning once more to allow us to live in light. it gives a more tangible standard for worship and what to pray to than most religions, unfortunately, and call me a sap, or irreverent, or stupid, whatever, but next time u get the chance, watch the sun rise, watch its light hit the clouds and light up the sky, watch it bathe everything beneath it in light and golden beauty, and then tell me that you don't see something truly beautiful, something transcendent to the point that it should have been on purpose or even a little possibly spiritual. then allow me to smack you in the face. =]

lyrics

2009-01-25T11:02:00.000-08:00

here's a few of my favorite song lyrics. yay boredom. =P

"Here's to the man of your dreams." Oceans Away by The Fray

I love this line mostly because of the tone of it in the song. The music is still for a moment, and his voice is tired with a hint of anguish, but above all, resigned.

"I took a guess and cut a portion out of my heart
He said that's nowhere close enough but it's a damn good start
I wrote the secret that I buried on the wishing well wall
He said I've seen one... it follows that I've seen them all
We spoke of human destination in a perfect world
Derived the nature of the universe (found it unfulfilled)
As I took him in my arms he screamed I'm not insane
I'm just looking for someone to understand my pain..." Devil in the Wishing Well by Five for Fighting (of course)

I just love the feeling of this moment, someone taking the time to talk to the devil and try to understand and connect with him, make him feeling just a little less lonely. everyone needs such understanding, and the fact that it's the devil being understood here makes no one exempt.

"What does this feeling mean to you, both to be seen and to be seen through." Passing Strange by Stew

it's a great, short way to describe at least part of love. the surrendering your self and your defenses to the person.

that's all 4 now. =]

response to musings

2009-01-20T08:59:00.001-08:00

i was just gonna comment on jessy's blog, but my comment got reli long, hence the blog post.

i think it's more that people change how they ACT around others, as opposed to changing who they are. who they are does affect how their actions change depending on the company, however. some people get shy around certain people, even if they're usually outgoing, some people feel emboldened in the company of certain people, even if they're shy, and certain people may have those sort of effects on others. depending on the person, they may intimidate or unmeeken (yay new words) others.

as for fronts, putting them up does make you not real, because you're acting different in putting up the front. again, though, the fronts you put up are part of who you are, but they're still fronts. that dishonesty in appearances is part of who you are, as are the type of fronts you choose to put up. everyone puts up some front at some point, i think, so this isn't directed at any one person.

sure, fronts may honestly be how you deal with certain situations, but by putting them up, you're pretending and not being true to whoever you're talking to. i think stew said it amazingly when talking about love: "what does this feeling mean to you, both to be seen, and to be seen through." if you love someone, you understand them inside and out. you can see through their facades, their defenses against the world, because they let you inside their mind and heart. conversely, in love, you have to let down your defenses for someone, leaving you vulnerable and without working fronts, because they should know you well enough to see through the act.

i'm rambling, but yes, your fronts are a part of who you are, but a part you need to cast aside to really be yourself. fronts are....a construct, a mask you put on to fool the world into thinking that you are a certain way. the face on the mask is a product of your personality and how you choose to cope, but it's not REALLY you, because you have to consciously act or react in a certain way. sometimes fronts are necessary, but the more you put them up, the less clear your true face becomes, so beware.

poetry

2009-01-18T14:50:00.000-08:00

i haven't blogged a poem in a while, so here's one:

Icarus
Once you reach a certain point,
Your soul-bent genius takes the fall.
Transcendence senses keen anoint,
And rapture binds you in its thrall.

Beethoven heard the angels sing,
Which deafened him to earthly tune,
And Galileo's light blinding
Made life look like a dark side moon.

Man yearns to the ethereal
Through art, science, life-ology,
But once you learn to truly feel,
You get lost in your ontology.

as always, feedback would be great. =] i like the title as icarus, cuz of the sort of reaching the sun and falling, but i may rename it, just cuz i may want to write a poem about icarus' story itself.

growing up

2009-01-18T14:29:00.000-08:00

i keep trying to imagine how i'll be in 10, 20, 30 years. i figure in 10 years i might be more outgoing, a little more...debauch? (is that a word?), i guess in 20 years i'll be ready for, if not already raising kids, so i'll mellow a tad, but probably get back in touch with my inner child, and then in 30 years, i'll be more like my father, a little tired, happy, but fully dealing with real life shit, with kids, a career, hopefully stable, in psychology ideally.

all i know is, i want to be a better person than i am now. im afraid my temper will always be an issue, but im working on it, i find that just taking a minute to breath helps. i want to be wiser, but not a dick. i want to KNOW more about life, about people, about the world. right now, i know some, i think, but i don't even know how much i REALLY know. when i'm older, i want to be able to say "i know some about life" or "i don't know shit about life", but either way, i want sureness. i want to know where my intellect stands.

but no matter what, as i grow up, i want to stay happy. i don't want to become cynical or sarcastic like mr. fisher, even if i become as knowledgeable as he is. of my teachers, i want to be most like TdeZ or mr. glassman. they're undeniably wise and nice, but they are so far from arrogance that i can barely use it in a sentence describing them. TdeZ always looks happy with what he's doing, and he's comfortable enough to laugh and make silly noises and joke around about deep philosophy, and mr. glassman almost always has a smile on his face, and when he doesn't....u don't want to be there.

for now tho, i like who i am. i know i have good qualities, i know i have parts of my personality that i need to work on, and i know i still have parts of myself that i can learn more about. i'm probably gonna start going to ms. diaz not just to talk about possibly becoming a psychologist, but maybe to get a psychological evaluation. i don't think i'm crazy, persay, but i feel like she'd be able to help me understand myself better. plus, she's nice and seems quite trustworthy. ok guys, i'll try to blog more, since some of u are asking me to, but for now, happy long weekend. =]

new layout

2009-01-18T14:28:00.000-08:00

my old template for the blog seemed a tad dark for me, i like this one better. the colors r brighter, yet still mellow, and the top is bootiful. =]

value pt 2

2009-01-11T14:31:00.000-08:00

haircut: $12
groceries for ur mom: $13
cab ride home: $8
falling asleep with an angel in your arms: priceless =]

value

2009-01-11T09:11:00.000-08:00

2 bags of doritos: $1.80
2 hershey's milk chocolate bars: $1.90
1 yellow rose: $5.99 (i think, i forget)
1 hug and a kiss on the forehead: priceless

yet another bag of doritos: $0.90
1 naruto ramen: $10 before tip
dancing in the dark with the ppl you love: priceless
kissing the girl you love goodnight in front of both ur families: worth anything =]

let's try this again

2009-01-05T20:31:00.001-08:00

words only burn when the mind is hot
hot with thoughts, angry, passionate, something.
my mind is too soft,
my passion too tempered.
when angels fill ur head
its hard to get worked up.

but when ur surrounded by perfection, by purity
u feel urself a beast
birds leave the tree wanting,
wings seem a torture flaunting,
thoughts seem tainted,
grey matter turned black
and if they come down to ur level,
they may never ascend back.
must we pluck the wings from innocence
to cover up our shame,
must we dwell on anger's resonance
when its casing is to blame?

i'll find a way to speak the truth
without ribbons of prose
but until then, my words, forsooth
are as cliche as a rose. =P

let's see what flows

2009-01-05T20:14:00.000-08:00

i never let thoughts flourish
never see them really grow
i usually stifle them in rhymes and form
so now i'll write, let's see what flows.
i can't seem to find the words to speak
my mind too at peace,
to at ease to strike a chord
in me.
i've bitched before
whined, always wanting more
more women, more attention
more recognition, less pretention.
i never liked whining to ppl,
i guess i just felt less alone.
when u know ppl listen to you,
there's some attention that u own.
haha, i can't seem to stop rhyming,
but freestyle just doesnt seem
my style,
it doesnt beam
my light,
my fire.
my love,
my ire.
can't focus, too many ims
that bleeping sound disruptive
i need silence to stop thinking
and start writing again,
till next time.

new years

2009-01-04T17:06:00.000-08:00

hey ppls, u probably know it's new years. i've been thinking a lot, talking to ppl some, most of the thoughts either expressed, too private, or unexpressable, so i guess i'll skip them and just do some resolutions:

1) stay in shape/get in better shape, either by working out every day, doing a sport if not dtw, just being more active i guess. i seem to be a laze outside of hip hop class or other dance related places.

2) stay sharp with work even during second semester, dont just blow off senior initiative, dont slack off, even after getting into college.

3) GET HOME ON TIME. (juliet knows what im talking about =P)

4) get into dtw, cuz it's always sooo much fun. (this one's less up to me)

5) in peer leadership, give my freshmen something out of the experience, make them remember or at least not regret the sessions.

6) in piano and dance, get better at improv, be it hip hop, modern, jazz music, i just want to be more original and dynamic.

7) keep writing poetry (obviously), maybe do an epic poem, or something epic with poetry.

8) make poetry club more active, keep the laid back environment, but organize more things than just reading in meetings.

that should do it for now, happy 2009! =]

angel

2008-12-01T19:52:00.000-08:00

i'm sort of glad u can't see me after i leave u at ur door, angel.

i look so ridiculous, biting my lip to keep from smiling, feeling like some little kindergartener leaving the playground after hearing that a girl LIKE liked him.

"i love you". i feel like i say it so much, i almost wear it out as a phrase, but it never ceases to lose its effect when i hear it from you. =]

sweet dreams angel.

belief

2008-11-28T19:43:00.000-08:00

first of all, happy thanksgiving everyone. =]

so, i've been thinking about belief recently. (as in yesterday and today =P) i realize that everyone believes in something. people with religion, obviously, believe in something. even if they don't know exactly what they're following in their religion, they believe that there's something right or worthwhile in their belief.

atheists, or at least the ones i know, seem to justify either their godless beliefs or their somewhat obnoxious denial of others' beliefs with science. but if you think about it, a good amount of science relies on faith. let's say for this blog that faith is believing in something without fully being aware of it. like in a god that is invisible, or, for scientific atheists, the subatomic, unseen particles that supposedly make up all of existence. right now, at least, we can't see molecules and atoms and photons and quarks, etc.

cells are supposed to be the building blocks of life, but we can't see them as cells. we see them as the compositions of cells. amoeba, squirrels, doves, people, trees, dust, everything is made up of something. mind you, i don't remember middle school science that well, so i may be mixing up some scientific terms, but bottom line, if you believe in those subatomic particles that we can't see, feel, or detect in any way, you have faith, in that you believe in something that you have no real proof of.

sometimes, i feel like religion can almost be more believable than science. so much of science deals with things we can't see, either because they're too small, too far away, outside of the spectrum of light which is visible to us, etc., but religion can be based on your experience, and what you feel in your heart. if miracles or inexplicable good things happen to you, belief can explain that, or rather, that can serve as proof of your belief.

the bottom line though, with both religion and science, is that we can't know everything about either. at least, not in a future that i can see happening any time soon. we can't see exactly what the inside of an atom looks like, we can't see God in his/her/their/its truest or natural form, we can't see Him act, we can't see atoms physically make up everything, but for those of us who have belief (virtually all of us), we trust that what we believe in does what is necessary for life to continue. so really, what right does anyone have to say "no, your god or gods don't exist because science has other explanations" if all of the forces and particles and waves that we use to explain everything are as physically invisible to us as a god. there's no way for us to fully know, so why don't we just accept each other's interpretations and live with them just being theories?

time

2008-11-17T18:32:00.000-08:00

sometimes, i hate time. today, the morning went by slow as hell, the afternoon was...idk, and the evening went by far too quick.

sometimes i wish i could stay in the present, just a little longer. sometimes i wish i could just enjoy her gaze for another few seconds, just a few. her eyes are so soft and warm. i could honestly stare at them all day. then again, i love eyes in general. if someone would let me, i'd just stare into their eyes, looking for some clue to their existence or personality. shakespeare said "the eyes are the windows to the soul". i like to believe things like that. i'm a romantic fool, so wat. soul passage or no, peoples' eyes are beautiful. from gen's star exploding eyes, to jessy's near black pools of mystery, to russell's changing ice walls, to juliet's sweet brown canvas of emotion.

i got off the subject of time, sorry. =P but maybe that's why i like staring contests so much. i get to look at ppl's eyes closely without making them feel awkward.

ah, i keep digressing. watever. long story short, there never seems to be enough time. for anything. it sucks.

so much stuff

2008-11-16T13:39:00.000-08:00

i just realized. NO ONE is great at everything. NO ONE can even do everything there is to do. there's simply just too much. and even though it's an idea that sets a limit to our existence, it also speaks to the unlimited nature of life. i love that.

i love knowing that no matter how much i focus on trying to do everything, i can't. some people i know might not like this fact as much, that no matter how much sleep u skip, u'll never have enough time in your life to master everything, every art form, every sport, every movement of your own body, every way to please someone, be it emotionally or physically, but i'm getting inappropriate.

basically, i like that even though tarik's soooo beyond me in gospel and jazz piano, we both have our own specialties like that. he's a gospel and jazz pianist, which comes with endless amounts of chords and harmonies and disonances, while i'm more classical and....alternative? which comes with more focus on touch with the piano, and feeling the melodies, and phrasing of the pieces and not just the chords and improv harmonies.

and i like that even though cole is soooo beyond me in waving, and isolation stuff, that i'm better than him with foot stuff, i think. (heel-toe, crip walk, he might be a better glider) watever. i jock on him at guitar hero. =P

and finally, i love that i can still goof off and play solitaire and text twist (which i also beast at =]) and be cute and silly with my amazing friends and incredible girlfriend, and still maintain some level of skill in the things i do. i don't have to be the best, because frankly, i don't have the time to devote myself enough to all of the things i do. and i'm totally fine with that. i like being a jack of all trades, even if i don't have the devotion to be king. =]

cuz really, my life in general makes me feel like king of the world anyway =D

swings

2008-11-10T20:23:00.000-08:00

it's weird how quickly things can change. how ppl can go from happy to hating humanity in a few hours, minutes even, how ppl can spend years of bottling up their emotions, squashing their issues, giving excuses to their parents for why they're so "distracted", all for the sake of someone else, who can then basically shit on that in unhappiness. it's weird how we can stifle our gut instincts to try and keep others from falling into despair, and its weird how quickly that can go wrong, and how angry thoughts can come. like the fact that he's the main teller of dead baby jokes in the school.

it's weird how guilt and shame can breed angry blog posts. how a few words can make ur body shudder, ur heart sink, and ur head ache, and how u can ask "what can i possibly do against the world she hates". not to say that such stimuli are unreasonable, no. maybe im just tired. good nite, and i'm sorry.

wonderful

2008-11-10T18:15:00.000-08:00

philosophy's been making me think a lot about how words work. take wonderful, for example. full of wonder, full of awe, full of mystery, but we find wonderful things beautiful, amazing, lovely, almost as if we're thanking divinity for them.

this weekend was wonderful. at home, it was meh, my family's great, but i did hours of college stuff and piano practice and chores so i could go out, but it was soooooo worth it.

friday: party at gen's house, as always, just me, gen, juliet, jones, jordan, and calvin (juliet's brother), wii, and futurama, and it was waaaaaay more fun than i thought. we talked to jones about his love life, got him on the right track, juliet closed her eyes for a bit, and i once more got to see wat an angel looks like when she sleeps.

saturday: short time at juliet's, playing wii with calvin and sarah, some pretty good pizza, just nice atmosphere. then laura's expectedly awkward party, benihana (free food!!) pictures where my head looked big and awkward (i'll live =P) and some epic model walking. finally, laura's roof, which had the most amazing view. im not one to kiss and tell, but it was by far the most breathtaking experience of my life. the wind, the cold night air, knowing how far above the world we were, holding each other so tight, it was...perfect.

sunday: jesse's party, more delicious free food, more good friends, a semi-footrace (which i won =]) gooooood leftovers, and the most romantic wait for a bus i can remember. =]

finally, ahh, the most incredible goodbye, which left me unaware of my body, my feet feeling strange to be walking on the ground again. i guess that's wat happens when an angel takes u up to heaven for a spell =].

being a guy

2008-10-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

i don't like being a guy. we think about sex too much. and when we're conscious of how much more we think like that than other ppl, it's annoying, and we feel like pricks. or at least i do. =P

guys suck

2008-10-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

guys are douchebags. there's no getting around it anymore. far too many of us follow our dicks, no matter how other people might be affected, and no matter how much we may care about those other people. sure, we have our moments when we listen to girls' problems and we try to comfort you, but as soon as we feel insulted or our dicks...beckon, we do something insensitive or dickish. this probably still applies to me, but not the point.

basically, women deserve better than us. we don't notice you enough. you try to look pretty for us, you try to be nice to us, to get a point across, and we just don't take the hint. you let us know you're hurting, and maybe we're uncomfortable or don't know what to say, so we change the subject. girls, i'm sorry we as a gender aren't considerate enough to do right by you. as much as you listen to us and pick us up on the rare occasions when we choose to talk about our problems, we just can't be the man you deserve.

i truly wish we as guys were better, but sometimes it's like we're not even trying.

all we are

2008-10-19T10:03:00.001-07:00

i've been thinking about this for a loooooong time, but recently tolu and juliet have made me revisit it. who am i?

it's weird, i've been telling my middle school and now high school....followers? i guess u'd say, that high school is about getting an idea of who u r. it's my senior year, and i've definitely come a long way from when i was a freshman. i've started a club, i'm the head of another club, i'm a peer leader, a freshman and sophomore say they wanna be me, and i get compliments almost every day, mostly from the new freshman, saying how i'm the man. i really feel like a king here, and i have the perfect queen. =]

but back to who i am. let's see. my mom has called me a renaissance man, and despite the biased source, i guess that describes me pretty well. i'm a poet, a pianist, a bit of a composer and singer, and an ok dancer.

as for my being a dancer, i've noticed that everyone has a distinct style. jack's a breakdancer, cole's a ridic wave artist, i'd call it, sam's a...pop n locker?, amadi's a krumper, mostly, so is naja, tolu's...hmm, she's got this reli african, bodily flare in every dance, juliet, she's sort of a smooth isolationist, i guess. it's hard to define. and as for me, err, i guess i'm sort of a waver, not as crazy as cole, a bit of a krumper, most of my moves involve chest popping, but i've got some solid foot skills. so idk exactly wat my dance style is, mostly chest and feet. =P

as a poet, i know pretty much exactly wat i am. this is mostly thanks to jessy. i'm a daydreamer of a poet. i take notice of every day things, i see them as beautiful, and i try to put them into words. i also examine people though. their happiness, but mostly their scars and their masks. so i guess i'm an absent-minded psychologist of a poet. =P

as for piano, my god, i went to dinner last night at my sister's friends house, and her mom plays piano, and they had the most AMAZING piano in their living room. it was like 8-10 ft long, which is huge for a piano, this light brown, almost engraved body, and the sound was ahhhh, perfect. the keys didn't stick, they werent loud or clanky, it was a masterpiece of a a piano. as a musician, my strength is my ear, and this goes for piano and singing. i can think of good harmonies, i can pick out almost any song ive heard (except spanish music and stevie wonder, for some reason =P) basically, in piano, i play wat i like. that's wat i focus most on. i have good touch on the keys, cuz i've seen my piano teacher's reaction to me playing sometimes, and she's been teaching for like 40 years, and she thinks i have a gift. so i guess i must have some talent. =]

but as a person, that's a whole other story. i'm sensitive, but i've gotten less emotionally entangled, in terms of sympathizing with others, i dont get as involved with their problems now, like if my friend is going through some rough shit, i don't worry all the time any more, but i still care, so i think i've found a good balance. since freshman year, i've def gained a ton of self-confidence and have become way more outspoken. i'm not afraid to get in a dance circle, but i do have trouble planning my moves, making up original stuff. =P

i've gotten over most of my past insecurities, i know i dont have a six pack, but i'm fine with my belly, it's fun if nothing else, haha. i realize i'm attractive, thanks to my female friends and beginning to wear jeans, quite frankly, and i know im not a genius, but i know im smart. i still think a lot, about life, i like to people watch, just to watch their faces, looking for emotions or reactions or something, not all the time, that'd be creepy, but sometimes.

so let's see if i can sum myself up: i'm a sensitive artist who sometimes talks shit during video games, im a good student who thinks a lot, but sometimes slacks off to hang out with my friends, who i love. i like to make ppl laugh, and listen to their problems to help them feel better, but sometimes, it just feels like alot. it doesnt stop me from listening, but sometimes i just dont go out of my way to listen to them. so i guess im a good friend, but not the perfect friend, i dont always have the best advice, but i try, and i guess my worst trait is that i think of things sexually too much. =P it's nothing i act on really, but i have a dirty mind sometimes. nothing disgusting, just unnecessary sometimes, but maybe that's just me being a guy. but all in all, i like who i am, i like my life, i love my friends, and i love my girlfriend. oh, which reminds me, i love looking at peoples eyes and trying to watch people think. which is why blogs are awesome. they let u inside someone's head. ok, long long post over. that is me, in a...big nutshell. =]

weird

2008-10-15T18:35:00.000-07:00

hmm, so a lot has happened since the last post, i think. i asked juliet out, it's been incredible, we've said i love you, and besides my boyish kryptonite, it's absolutely perfect.

that kryptonite of my boyhood is what this post is about. WARNING: you may find this post brutally honest and out of character for me. i've had some stuff on my mind and i feel like getting it out. sorry, but this is straight from me. i've been looking back at my relationship with chigozie a few times. not in longing, or regret, or anything, i just don't feel that way about her anymore, and i feel like i'm seeing our relationship for what it really was. i'm starting to see how much lust there really was between us, how in a one year+ long relationship, i only kissed her at her door the night we got together, (she was afraid someone would see and tell her mom, who's fanatically religious, long story, blah) and that the only reason we'd have late night conversations is that she could talk FOREVER.

that's part of why this relationship with juliet is incredible. not to compare her to chigozie, but we have way more in common (including height, which quite frankly makes kissing much easier =P), she doesnt dominate conversations, and she's unbelievably sweet. i've never met someone who can go, for lack of a better term, toe to toe with me with romantic little exchanges. and she's so sweet and sincere, so I know she means it. also, she goes to school with me, so i get to see her every day, which is soooooooooooo great, and unlike chigozie, i know her entire family, and i don't feel like a secret.

and her eyes are so beautiful, as is the rest of her. my only regret is that she wears hats so often, so i can't see the color of her eyes as well as possible. being with her is so unbelievable though. holding her hand just feels right, and making her smile and laugh just---ahhhhh. i was listening to, well, its sort of our song, "won't stop" by one republic, and my heart was just soaring. i felt in peace and ecstasy at the same time, and i was just so happy to have her.

honestly, being with her, i feel like i'm thinking with my heart, and not my dick. not that i do the second that often, but i have at times, but with her, even though i'm...very attracted to her, i know my feelings are genuine and not just lust.

finally, there's something else on my mind, but it's more of a personal thing with her and with me, and it should stay that way. plus, i feel like a dick even thinking about it. so i guess i didn't talk about my boyhood weakness, or not even, my flaw of being a guy, which i'm frankly quite annoyed with, because it makes me feel like guys r perceived to be: shallow, sexual, etc. oh well. things r still amazing. =]

sorry

2008-09-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry. to all women everywhere. i'm sorry men seem to see u as just sexual objects, things we want, but plenty of guys in the past have tried treating you like people. ladies, think of a close friend of yours who was a straight guy. he was always so sweet, listening to you, doing schoolwork with you, holding doors open, comforting you when guys were douches to you, and just being there for you, as a friend should. ok, there's at least a 75% or so chance that guy was CRAZY about you at some point.

sure, part of his being crazy about you was because he was sexually attracted to you, and that probably affected how he saw you, just like it would any guy, because he was like many guys. but despite that possibly lustful admiration of you, he was still a friend. just cuz he was attracted to you, it didn't keep him from being there for you, always.

maybe one day he told you how he felt, that he had a crush on you, or god forbid, loved you. =P and you were shocked. you'd never thought of him like that. he was always so nice, and treated you so well, why would you be interested in a guy like that?

i could easily be wrong, but that's my theory on why MEN are dicks. when we were BOYS, we were nice to you, got close to you, somehow fell for you, and you didn't see us in that light. and that hurts. trust me. it never gets easier, hearing "but you're really sweet" "any girl would be lucky to date you" etc, from the girl you care so much about. and im not saying that women don't get hurt like that, but for some reason, it seems to happen to guys more. maybe we're more susceptible to falling for those close to us, who knows. but bottom line, when we were nice, we were friends, and nothing more.

but guys have needs, unfortunately. and those needs were not met by being nice to you ladies. we were hurt, and angry, and we became dicks to not get stuck as "just friends". it seemed like a good idea at the time, and maybe the first few women responded well to the change, probably cuz they saw it just as flirting, playful. but we gained faith in that method, i guess, and we continued to use it. it worked, and we were satisfied, at least sexually. but by this time, we saw emotions as less than helpful, so we were ok to neglect them in our sexual pursuits.

and so hurt boys became horny men who became numb dicks. sorry, if i sound like i'm bitching, i'm bitching about my past, not my present. again, i could be COMPLETELY wrong, this doesn't necessarily hold true for all men, but i can think of at least 4 men for whom it does/did. nice guys do get overlooked, and that's why we seem to be in such short supply. my apologies, ladies of the world who have been wronged by my gender.

manhood

2008-09-12T18:23:00.000-07:00

being a guy is weird. being a girl is harder, undeniably, but guys have a pretty bad reputation, at least from the female point of view. but they have a point. a lot of guys talk about girls like they're objects. "i'd tap that" "she's got such a great body" etc. things get more complicated when guys become friends with girls, and they share views of men with us.

it's weird, cuz sometimes, a girl's just like "wow, he's hot" or "i'd fuck him", and then they get pissed at guys for looking at them just like objects. sure, girls are right to get pissed at guys, cuz we are worse, in that men think of women sexually probably a lot more than women think of men sexually, and that men act on those thoughts, pursuing the sexual experience, A LOT more than women do. but you're further objectifying us by thinking of us as sleezes or sketches for how we go about it, just like we objectify women when we call them sluts or bitches because of how they act.

but with guys, i like to think it's not all about sex. sometimes, we see a beautiful girl, and sure, we're attracted sexually, but i hope that at least 1 in 5 times, we just want to know your name, to start. but yea, men r pigs, we're driven by sex far too much, but we do have to put ourselves out there for non-sexual things too. like when we genuinely like a girl, we cant rely on them to make the first move most of the time, and then, the girl could think we're sketchy, or ugly, or unappealing in some way, shape or form, and it can get to us. oh wait, but men r pigs, and if we're only driven by sex, feelings should have no effect, right? hmm, but then again, i'm probably still a boy, so maybe i can have feelings. yay?

i dont even know why i wrote this. i'll probably delete it soon. sorry.

girls

2008-08-20T19:34:00.000-07:00

this may not hold for all guys, but it's how i see it.

when guys are in a relationship with someone we care about or respect, be it romantic or just friendly, sometimes it feels like we're on a pedastal with a not so sturdy base. the higher ur opinion of us, the higher the pedastal, and the higher chance we have to fall from ur grace.

when we care about u, we want to be your superman. we want to take care of u, help u out at least, and most of all, seem invincible. we (or at least me) get scared sometimes that if we show fear or break down in front of u, u'll lose respect for us, or get scared by our emotions, and leave. obviously, we don't want that, so sometimes we bottle up how we feel. we dont tell u straight out, but we still feel it, so we get sort of passive aggressive so that we can get our point accross without showing the weakness of sharing our turmoil. we're like little kids throwing tantrums or scowling in the corner just to get attention and to get taken care of.

but there's still the father figure in us who wants to provide and be a pillar of strength, who, even when the world is falling apart, wants to keep the children calm and look like we have everything under control, so sometimes we just shut down, and ignore or try to repress our emotions. completely. so we don't show how we feel at all, we just stop showing that we feel. we think we're protecting you by bearing our own burdens, because we don't want to whine and bitch to you, because we're supposed to take care of u, stay level-headed and stay strong for u.

but no matter how much we dislike it, guys do feel, and so we try to cope in those ways. with us, it builds up and builds up to, until we either burst out, telling everything, crying to ourselves, breaking down in ur arms, or emptying ourselves. it's like a sun in supernova. we have all this pent up energy, and we have to get rid of it. so we either burn, by ourselves, or burning others with us, or we implode and become vaccuuous, a black hole where we used to feel.

again, i could be wrong, and i may have gotten carried away with the metaphors, but to all women who get confused by men, i hope this helps.

blogsecret

2008-08-17T09:15:00.001-07:00

jessy mentioned some post secret things with 6 letters, so i figured i'd give it a shot.

can i be anything without her?

am i just full of shit?

can i save them, and myself?

will i see what others see?

should i give in, or fight?

i dont know why i question.

stones and pillows

2008-07-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

the more i think about these analogies, the more sense they make.

sensitive guys are like pillows: rather thin surface, not great at hiding wat's within, filled with feathers, which are the parts of birds which help them fly. think of it as hopeful thought and a sort of transcendence of spirit. our insides are the stuff of birds, soaring anywhere, up into the sky, yearning towards the cosmos, inside we feel and remember possibility, hope, and freedom. pillows can also take quite a bit of punishment, they feel the impact, but can be fluffed back up. people cry into pillows, they beat them. pillows provide emotional and physical outlets.

smooth, less emotional guys are like stones: tough surface, difficult to penetrate, but even when they get broken, they're still stone on the inside, just a smaller slab. inside, stones are compressed sediment, created over time by pressure, a condensed mix of experience translated into a certain structure. stones are formed by time, and how nature affects them, and they're hard on the outside and inside, but not hollow.

a stone

2008-05-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

songs stick with me pretty easily. this one's about "a stone" by okkervil river.

so i figure, there are two "special?" types of guys: the heartbreakers, and the heartbroken. the heartbreakers are generally stones. smooth, but hard, nearly inpenetrable, strong, stoic, stony, basically. the heartbroken are different. this blog's mostly trying to define what they are. let's see, they're soft, sorta malleable (lead-on-able), emotional, easily broken or torn, but persistent...sponge? not quite.

hmm...maybe the heartbroken are like pillows. we're willing to sacrifice ourselves to break the fall of those we support, we serve the function of punching bags, projectiles, we're generally soft, we give comfort to a point, but its more constant and less appreciated than the safety a stone seems to give. i guess it makes sense when you think about it. pillows are nice and soft, but you can only make pillow forts, which aren't very protective. while stones can become castles, making you feel safe, and like a queen, and it seems just to protect you.

hmm, pillow still doesn't seem right. oh well, i'll give it more thought.

hero

2008-04-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

i want to save, or at least help people. i see that as my noble mission in life. i have this self-righteous/selfless/wanting to be of service/self-martyring/tragic hero wish/complex.

i guess it started when i was younger, and still terrified of my mom. my sister still took piano back then, and she'd cry at the piano while practicing and my mom would yell at and hit her, and she'd cry more, and i'd sit terrified doing homework, too afraid to try and help her.

high school sorta rekindled this desire to save people. luckily, i soon became surrounded with people i thought i could save. unfortunately, i could not/still can not save them.

miranda: couldn't even get through to her, tried to make her happy, even fixed her up with chris davidson when she had a crush on him and i had a crush on her, couldn't do shit, gave up.
russell: isn't really self-destructive, but i tried to help him by fixing him up with julia. he said he wanted someone who'd like him for him, i thought julia would appreciate his relationship wanting and sensitive self. he ended up realizing that he's not the kind of person for relationships or something, she ended up hating him, or not, idk anymore. basically, huge backfire, guilt, emotional disconnect, couldn't help my best friend, gave up.
julia: had rough break-up with kenta, wanted a relationship and someone to take care of her. i thought russell would do that, tried to fix them up. things were great for a few months, she said we'd made her whole again, i couldn't be happier, even though at the beginning weird feelings for her started coming back. now she's smoking again, her and russell are on weird terms, i don't know if she's eating, she looks thinner and thinner, reminiscently so of miranda. she's stubborn too, so i give up.
jessy: just tried the little things, staying late afterschool, skipping classes to hang out with her. now i'm scared they'll kick me out of pl and my mom will get reli pissed, and i really want to be a pl. but i feel guilty because i want to save or help people, and i've already failed at that so much, with my sister, with my friends, even with my mentee. i feel like jessy's the only one left, so i focus all my stupid heroism on her. but then i'm scared of the consequences, and i feel like both choices, (hanging out or not, skipping obligations or not) define who i am, either the dedicated friend, or the good student, and i know i'm taking it too seriously, but i've always done that. thus, i feel like i'm sacrificing my time to save my friends, but neither of which seems to be accomplishing much, and my time isn't all that valuable, so i'm just being overly dramatic about missing classes and crap, but i still feel guilty if i neglect my friends for classes, or if i neglect my classes for friends, because that's how i see it.

so i want to be a hero, but i feel weak, and i want to sacrifice, cuz i feel it might make me more able to help my friends, but i'm not sacrificing much of actual importance, but i still feel like a martyr because my vision of good and bad is exaggerated, i guess.

and in the end, i guess part of me wants to be taken care of, not that my friends don't do that, but i feel like sometimes it's not fair to ask them to if i feel like they need saving, which most of the time they don't, and when they actually do, i don't seem to be able to do much. some hero i am. =P

the idea of god

2008-04-27T05:37:00.000-07:00

i guess this really started a few days ago, when i had a lab with mr glassman about my thoreau paper. in walden, thoreau seems to see god, or some beauty semi-divine in nature, and it struck me as almost pantheistic, which i sorta subscribe to. more than any other religion anyway. i figure that the beauty in nature is so perfect and singular that its hard to believe its all a coincidence, that there's some divine force within it, if not behind it. maybe life itself is divine, god-given. that would be convenient. =P

so anyway, it turns out thoreau never had a specific religious belief. and that was a huge relief. because i really really admired how he thought, and felt, and wrote. he saw so much beauty in life, like i always try to, and he articulated it sophisticatedly, which i dont reli try to do, but it would be nice.

and it got me thinking. maybe some people dont believe in religion. i mean sure, everyone believes in something. (i've also been listening to that john mayer song belief some this week) if you believe in god, as creator, or guardian, or watever, that's wat u believe in. or if u believe in the devil, or that there's no god, that's still a belief. but during yesterday's service, there was a "moment of meditation" where we were supposed to reflect on god and his grace and blah blah blah.

i technically did that, well, i reflected on the idea of god, and the purpose of religion. i realized that religion, and the idea of god, is a catalyst. it triggers feelings in people. it causes direction, safety, anger, joy, and most of all, hope.

i had a conversation with my dad about this on the way back, and i feel it relates to jessy's blog entry recently. and now that i think about it, russell told me something like this before, when explaining how he's atheist/agnostic, cuz he says he respects others religions, but he doesnt seem to like the idea behind folloing a religion. religion gives people a sense of security. the idea of a god makes people think that, even though they're inperfect and flawed, there's some greater being who's in charge and he's perfect and wise and so everything will turn out ok because he's running the show, so all we have to do is follow him and not question his plan, because we're just humans, what do we know? god is a symbol of order, or direction, of stability for the universe, which is why people feel they have a purpose when they communicate with or follow what they believe to be god.

so god is like a giant, invisible security blanket. he reli is like the father or mother. strong, capable, and able to make everything ok. at some point. i guess we reli on god even more when we're unsure or unsteady of ourselves.

but sometimes religion seems blind. there's no real proof, so we reli on passion and fervor in our told direction to drive us down the path "god" has put out for us. now i'm not saying don't believe in god, just make sure you have a reason. i mean, sure, my reason isn't great, but i don't reli believe in a "god", persay. i like to think there's something, some natural intelligence simpler but greater than ours in all that's around us. the way the stars twinkle, the way the sun shines, the way the moon glows, the way leaves and clouds and the ocean catches all of these lights and reflects them so beautifully, and how we humans are constructed not only to see them, but to enjoy them. i guess i think god was like our designer. he wrote our blueprints, but had no idea wat material we each would be made out of, so left it for us to navigate the program he put in our minds, which includes infinite possibility. possibility for hope, fear, obedience, defiance, questioning, joy, sorrow, and most of all, uncertainty. =P

religion

2008-04-27T05:23:00.001-07:00

i went to a church service yesterday. nobody i went with seemed to want to be there. not even my mom, which was a surprise. the music was good, uplifting, i guess, but the rest was pretty boring and seemed almost delusional. my dad's best friend's sister is a congresswoman from texas, and she was at the service, which is why we had to go, and she was only mentioned one time without the word congresswoman.

it was just like the last time we went to a church. my dad's best friend's aunt, and my dad's godaunt had passed. she'd had 2 heart attacks, traveled the world, and done many things to help people. i'd only met her a few weeks before she passed, and she seemed so tired when we met her. luckily she seemed ready to pass, and i think she was happy to see my dad before she did.

but anyway, at the funeral there was all this pomp and circumstance, and i now see the connection between pomp and pompous because of that. people performed, of all things. at a funeral. this woman sang a song "for val" (the woman who passed), and this guy who was supposed to have known her like a mother sang a song, and both of them smiled all through the songs. it was actually disgusting. i started to nod off during the funeral, which isnt a great thing, but im glad i missed some of the posturing. nobody except the woman's sister, who was my dad's godmother seemed to be sad, despite all the incredible things they said she'd done for the church and others.

and the congresswoman, how could i forget. CONGRESSWOMAN shiela jackson lee. it was so shallow. i was sitting near her brother, who we call uncle mike, and who was also nephew to val, but he wasn't mentioned a single time. congresswoman shiela was simply mentioned to be in the church that day about 7 times. ok, fine, apparently, she's accomplished and has made change in the world, but a funeral is not the place to celebrate her presence, and to ignore the presence of other relatives of the dearly departed.

but back to the church service yesterday. shiela gave a speech about washington, and hope, and change, and god, and how he looks out for us. it seemed kinda barack obamaesque, but not as good, and involving the conscious concern of a divine being. and i couldn't help thinking how much she believed of what she spoke. was she just posturing too? just putting in god because she was in a church, with people who felt that god was watching over them. it really made me wonder about the power of religion, and how it affects what people do and say, but i'll continue this in another blog. this one's getting long.

beautiful day

2008-04-23T14:42:00.000-07:00

today was beautiful. the flowers were blooming, the trees were all bursting and colorful, and the sky was bright and hopeful. i passed the spot where i first told chigozie i loved her and realized that that was almost 9 months ago. even though it was so long ago, the spot was just as beautiful if not more so, and the sun shone blindingly from behind the church where i looked up to and thanked god or nature or something for what an amazing person i'd been blessed with.

yea, it's been a pretty good day.

don't jump

2008-04-20T05:02:00.000-07:00

i would cry. a lot. i know i would. i might be able to carry on, but i'd truly be devastated. so don't jump. please. cuz i know i'm not the only one who would cry, and i can think of at least 2 ppl who might try to kill themselves if u died, (julia, miranda) and one who undoubtedly would try to leave this world to get to u. (fred)

cloudless skies

2008-04-20T04:47:00.000-07:00

idk wat it is about cloudless skies, but they always unsettle me. the more i look at them, the more unnatural they seem. i feel like it's too peaceful, but not quite, it's just sorta bland, like harry grabow when he's not being a tool.

i love looking at clouds. the way the move amongst each other, with different sizes, speeds, and the way they come apart, reattach, and are changing every second. but i love it best when clouds catch the light of the sun, and they just glow like beautiful, fluffy sky lanterns. =]

clouds give the sky many things: depth, variety of the celestial landscape, color, and majesty. clouds just look so regal, when they're rising and moving near the sun or moon, overwhelming it, overshadowing it (haha, pun), and just glowing. tis a beautiful thing. =]

idk, i guess in my mind, a sky without clouds is like a person without problems in their life. no physical or mental obstructions, just glaring light, nothing hiding who or what they are. it's bland. i've never met anyone who i could compare like that too, maybe a baby, but still, its fun to wonder wat baby's are thinking about, if anything. i like clouds, and people with problems, because there's something to figure out with them. they're not just straightforward with everything. granted, jessy was like that the first day we met, which took me off guard at first, but it worked out. =P

with clouds, as well as people with problems, though, there has to be a balance. most days (like most people) have clouds (problems =P), but if there's too much in their life, its like a completely cloudy sky, barely any sun, and a high chance of rain (tears), and if it doesnt rain, its just dismal. at least if there is precipitation, u know there's a reason for the overcast skies of their souls (yay cheesy poetic language! =]) and if the person has too much going on, its like their sun (soul, heart, mind, all 3) is being concealed by their clouds, but its not easy for someone to just clear away the obstructions. it's their sky, they have to clear it or increase the cloud cover.

but again, clouds move, clouds change, and clouds have different sizes and depths. everyone has problems, i hope, but they're all different, and they all have the potential to either cloud your sky beyond all recognition or understanding, or catch the light from your sun and make your sky shine with all possible beauty, even causing happiness to those who may view it. =]

P.S. i had no idea that metaphor would work out so well. yay chance! =]

selfish selflessness

2008-04-17T16:16:00.001-07:00

ok, well, the basic jist is this: sometimes, i feel like i try to do a lot for you, but it never helps, or it never seems to....count? in ur mind, i guess.

wat got to me 2nite was when u were talking about getting the tattoo, and u said u wanted dave/russell to go with u. and it kinda hurt not seeing my name there. i mean, the more understanding part of me thought "ok, she probably wants physical comfort, which isn't quite my strong point." but still, that's one of my biggest insecurities, so the more emotional side felt pain.

idk, i guess i'm just a little pissed cuz i feel like i do a lot to try and help u. cut dance classes (the one b4 spring break, that was more about me being worried about u than anything else, and i payed for that, but watever), cutting classes (never want Glassman to yell at me like that again, scary), staying late (admittedly, most of those times were just me not wanting to leave), and blowing off work (laziness on my part).

ur my best friend jessy, and one of the things i want most in the world is to see u happy. this may seem hypocritical, but i really don't want u to feel guilty because of this post. idk, i'm indulging the part of me that likes attention for the good i try to do for ppl.

the point may be muddled, but i just want u to feel that ur not alone, cuz i'm almost always looking out for u.

forever

2008-04-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

i realized something yesterday. i was thinking about what jessy said, and realized that she's right. i do live in the present. when i watch the clouds go by, i dont think about how long they'll be there for me to look at them, or how long they'll be moving in front of the sun, catching their light and framing the sky perfectly. when i look at trees, i dont think how long until they bloom, i just enjoy the white buds about to flower.

the only thing i really worry about losing are people. i question my own mortality almost any time i'm alone. i think of random possibilities of how i could die at that moment, not in fear, or sadness, but just in acceptance, i guess, of how life can be here one moment, gone the next, so u might as well enjoy the moment now, cuz it may be your last. MUWAHAHAHA. =P

time

2008-04-14T07:20:00.000-07:00

a while ago i realized that nothing lasts forever. especially not relationships. either someone's gonna fall out of love or friendship, or find someone better, or die. it's gonna end eventually, even if it's till death, unless u die at the same time, but that doesnt mean u shouldn't enjoy it while it lasts. if u know its gonna end, that should, i think, give u more incentive to enjoy wat u have while u have it. sure that's not always easy when u know a relationship has an end, especially if the love doesnt, but that's life. even life ends. we all die at some point, does that mean we should kill ourselves now and save time the trouble? no. it means we should find the garden, frolic in it while we can, and then watch the sunset reflecting on the day we've had, good or bad.

sure, maybe u and i will lose contact after college, and sure, maybe i won't be ur best man. but i'd still like to, and i'm not gonna quit being ur friend just cuz we might not be friends forever. and nothing's set in stone, but i know that if i keep in contact with anyone from dalton, it's gonna be u. definitely. and like i said with the relationships post, remember the chris davidson episode? after all that, i still got turned down, but that didn't stop me from being miranda's friend. so u'll have to do a heck of a lot worse than push me away to really get rid of me.

sure, friends and lovers come and go, forever's not set in stone, but brothers and sisters aren't so easily lost and forgotten. =]

relationships

2008-04-13T18:57:00.000-07:00

wow. i thought my past relationships sucked. leading myself on with 2 girls named hannah, falling in love with one (i think), asking out the second after asking out her best friend. classy.

oh, and of course, the asking out of best friends. lily wen, miranda, almost julia. and then fixing up miranda with chris davidson while liking her, and fixing up julia with russell before i knew i was over her. i've reli....i dont even know wat. fuck sarcasm, i'm a douche. i've cried over girls, prayed for girls, clawed at myself, punched walls, and wrote a shitload of poems. has it all been coincidence? am i sabotaging myself on purpose to repent? or am i just desperate? i've only lucked out with chigozie, and now i've put a time frame on our relationship.

part of me wants to end it, part of me never wants to let her go again. when we talked about wat it would be like to see each other with someone else after we ended it, i just felt so empty. like seeing another guy's hands on her would make me feel angry and jealous and possessive, but seeing her laugh or even smile at another guy would just make me feel empty. i love her, i know i do. "so why are u together?"

....sometimes i wonder that too.

haha, irony

2008-04-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

"I will turn the page with a feeling of satisfaction, knowing who died at the end, who lived, who loved and who lost, so when I say goodbye, it's not a half-assed, remorseful one, but a genuine, loving, gentle, happy goodbye. And a genuine hello to the world that awaits me."
-Jessica Watters

who died:miranda
who lived:julia
who loved:jake
who lost:...russell.

to my friend

2008-04-12T08:57:00.000-07:00

ok, true, u probably fool me a lot more than i realize, but i think i know u enough to tell a little bit why you're angry. when u were talking to me about going on a break with fred, i remember u saying that wat u wanted more than anything was for him to tell u no, he needed u. and first of all, he did, and does need u, and i'm guessing he didn't say much against the idea because ur the world to him. the exact same thing happened to julia. she wanted to break up with her bf, she wanted him to say no, but he said ok because he wanted wat was best for her and would make her happiest. its the same with fred, and most if not all guys who will ever care about u or another girl.

(i'm gonna act like i know it all now):girls like to be fought for, but they dont want to tell guys, they just want them to get it and fight through fire and hell and other rough shit for them. but unfortunately, most guys dont get that. if we care a lot about a girl (like fred and i do about u), and u want to push us away, we'll let u if we think it'll help u, despite its effect on us, which would usually suck.

i do accept too quickly, cuz i'm not a huge fan of confrontation. i get that from my dad. he's pretty passive or passive aggressive most of the time, and i guess i am a lot too. my mom's the aggressive one, and gets into fights with people a bit, but i guess it could be worse. and sure, u r manipulative, and that's rarely a nice thing, but ur not a bitch. and just trust me on this one. i may be blinded by ur good qualities, but that's only because there's plenty of them, and as i told u, i think u sell urself short.

ok, i guess the whole jealousy subject is weird for me, not cuz i dont see my worth, i think i do a lot more than i used to thanks to u, but i'm just not used to ppl being jealous of me. i'm a good pianist and poet sure, and i do other stuff well too, but im jealous of u 2. and dont say i shouldnt be. i think ur mind is more beautiful than mine. like remember that poem i showed u, with the line "his heart spoke thought in poetry" that was about u. ur thoughts are beautifully organized, whether u want to accept that compliment or not, u r attractive. very much so. just ask fred. the funny thing, i think i got that from my dad, he's hilarious, and the charming thing, idk, i guess in middle school i tried the whole reclusive thing, didn't work, and now i have friends who i feel i can be myself with. and sure, things get awkward sometimes, but watever.

ok, maybe part of me was a little annoyed with u, but its probably cuz u've been worrying about me so much, but i guess i see myself as the one who's supposed to worry, and i feel even now that time spent worrying about myself, trying to see if anything's wrong in my life, is time wasted. not that i dont feel i deserve to have problems, but if life's good, i dont feel like i need to sweat the small stuff, u know?

i guess i hate the thought of u spending time worrying about me. the last thing i want to do is cause u trouble or pain, but i guess i'm also jealous that u can see through me so easily, and u know me better than i know u or myself. dont get me wrong, its reli helpful, but sometimes i wish i had ur clarity of seeing ppl.

i know i focus on the best in ppl, partly cuz i want to accept them or forgive them or something, and part of me probably wants to protect my innocence from thinking that the world is awful. but i love all of my friends, despite their flaws, cuz i know i have to accept all of them, or at least as much as my heart wants to accept. sure, my optimism may get me hurt, and has, but im okay with that. i'll accept the consequences, because i'd rather be more accepting than critical of people. there u go, ur not a bitch, u just see a lot in ppl, and ur critical or their flaws.its like being extra perceptive and seeing all the little bumps and obstructions on ppl's faces.

yea, i'm jealous of russell. i wish i weren't, but i cant help it. he accels in the aspect of life im most insecure about in my self. sure, i have good qualities, but there's a part of me that likes to be the best at everything, which i kinda hate, but u know. i didnt have my first kiss till 16, i was turned down by every girl i asked out in middle school (and freshman and sophomore year), while he has been a pimp practically forever, and has made out (and gone out) with arguably the 2 best looking girls i asked out. and u've been where i am too, can u reli blame me for being jealous? =/

sigh. yea, maybe i'm wasting my time on russell. i've let our friendship become pretty shallow, but he's still my friend. ur guys' drama isn't stupid, i know stupid drama. (aka, alyssa, amanda, shariss) sure, i'll probably have my own stuff to deal with, we all will. but by then, i'll probably have other friends to listen to me, or i'll be able to handle it myself, so dont worry about it.

ok, i have felt like u've been pushing me away a bit, but i've been doing that too. but don't u ever think that i won't keep in touch with u. unless u change ur cell #, we're definitely going to be talking, and i might even have internet access where i'm going to college. jessy, ur like a sister to me. ur my best friend, and if i'm keeping in touch with anyone from high school, it's gonna be u. k? so don't push me away. besides, im not that easily gotten rid of. =]

nyc forecast

2008-04-08T04:41:00.000-07:00

the sky's kinda cloudy today, but it's bluer than yesterday. we'll see how things go.

weird day

2008-04-07T19:07:00.000-07:00

the sky was cloudy and whitish gray today. it fit at first. we didnt seem to be talking, and barely making eye contact. it made me really sad, but i cant say i was surprised after our convo last night. i feel like i said too much, or spoke too selfishly, idk. oh well, things are better now, and the day ended well.

idk, but i guess if she reads this, i just want to tell her that she means alot to me. she's my best friend, and she's like a sister to me. i've said that to other ppl, but i mean it the most with her. she's my favorite person to hang out with, sullen, drunk, angry, crying, watever. she's not just my sometimes friend. she's my always best friend, and we dont have to talk about watever's going on to still be friends, and she doesnt have to be her happiest for us to hang out. (hintidy hint hint) =]

guilt

2008-04-06T17:27:00.000-07:00

i don't know what hurts more. knowing I ruined her first good mood in a while, hearing a sum of wat she's been going through lately and knowing it may not be all, or knowing that nothing i can say or do will help.

of the 3 things that almost made me cry this weekend, this has been the worst, but the least tear-provoking.

it's weird. when my friends are going through shit, i only seem to cry when i pray for them. it's a different kind of pain, not like with samantha or hannah, or even ariel. i just feel empty, weak. almost physically so.

a big part of me doesn't want her to read this, cuz i know it won't help, but i feel like getting this out somewhere, and being selfish. ta. da.

first post

2008-04-06T12:36:00.000-07:00

i was just thinking, which i do a lot, and writing in that little leather book should just be for poems, not so much just thinking. hence, blog.

i figured i needed to cyber vent cuz i just started crying playing piano. i feel like this first blog is gonna sound pretentious, or pissy, so just bear with me. (bear? bare? watever)

my chest felt weird right after i cried. like i'd just gotten punched. not quite the physical manifestation of emotional pain, but that was there too. i've been trying to describe the physical-emotional pain recently, but it's tricky. the pain changes with the reason. if its cuz of love, then its like a burning in my chest, same with anger i guess, but i've never been that angry. and when its sadness, its more like a weight in ur chest, making it harder to move, like ur in the ocean, with an anchor in ur chest, and ur sinking. and when u feel useless, or helpless, or something-less, its like u have that weight, but u've given up swimming back to the surface, so u just feel empty and weightless. it's not much more fun, especially if ur primary function as a person is feeling. =P

so that's where i am right now, but its stupid, cuz im not even the one with the problem. she's my best friend, and when i read her blog it said she doesnt write, she just thinks, and if that's true, i dont get how she can look at how her thoughts flow, and think she's nothing special. she's one of the most amazing ppl i've ever met, and by far the most unforgettable. it's weird, but when we talk in starbucks or something, it's almost like the young adventurous person who has climbed the mountaintop to seek the wise council of the guru or something. and she's the guru, but she's in pain. her head is bowed, weighed down by how much she knows, and her eyes look into space, having seen too much in too little time.

ow. ow. (chest throbs? it's been awhile) ms. preuss was right. i do internalize this stuff. does that make me better or worse than him? hmm, probably neither. u cant compare apples to pineapples. one is plain, juicy i guess, could be sour on the inside, but there's always some outside indication. but with pineapples, they always have those pines sticking out, and it's harder to tell wat's going on on the inside just from looking at the outside. and they could be as sour or as sweet as possible on the inside, but u have to be let in, either by finding the chink that lets u see the inside (like a notebook or something =P), or simply cutting in there by force. but be careful, cuz u might get ur finger caught. unfortunately, i have neither knife nor sight to effectively see into the pineapple. oh well, there's always the pear. sometimes overlooked, it can be very juicy and sweet, though biting into it often leaves less than pleasant residue.

ok, enough metaphors, blog entry #1, complete. i guess i feel a bit better. i wonder how she's doing....